SD on the QT. By Walter Mencken. Subscribe to this blog.
Entries
(Astro)turf War
East Coast-West Coast Rivalry Erupts on SDSU Campus Following Football Program's Decision to Sign with Big East Label, Basketball's Move to Big West Basketball Coach Sam Fischer: "Don't hate the players, hate the game. Also, maybe hate the way money …
SDG&E Gets Serious, Enshrouds Moon in Stygian Shadow
Terrifying Celestial Darkness Intended to Serve as Warning to Solar-Home Customers Protesting Rate Hike Statement from SDG&E Chief Officer of Retribution: "You have been faithless, San Diego, and your faithlessness is anathema to Our Powerful Selves. Too long have you …
Vocal San Diego Publisher Explains Layoff of Education Reporter
Layoffs were announced today at the nonprofitable news outlet Vocal San Diego. Included in the list of writers and photographers was Education Reporter Ellen Albert, long regarded as one of the sharpest sets of eyes on the volatile and shifting …
New U-T President Hodges: "We want everyone to be fired...up to come in here."
KNOCKING VERY HARD ON WOOD, SAN DIEGO READER OFFICES - Speaking to the entire terrified staff at the San Diego Whatta-Maroon today, new President and Grand Inquisitor Mickey Hedges said that he wanted to "create an environment and a space …
Chargers Blackout for Sunday's Game
In Preparation for Matchup Against Bills, Local Sports Bars to Offer Consciousness-Obliterating Special Cocktail Lineup - and at Cheaper Price than Unsold Chargers Ticket "Even if you could see it on TV - would you want to?" SETTING THEM UP …
Police Brutality?
In Response to Hunger Strikes Protesting Violent Police Response to Occupy San Diego, SDPD Begins Setting up "Bacon Stations" Around Civic Center Plaza "Pepper spray may not be a food product, but how about the smell of delicious, sizzling bacon?" …
Kelvin Acea: Fire Turner Now
Longtime Charger Reporter for the Spoonrun-Spittoon Says Victory Over Jacksonville Shows that Coach-Provocateur "No Longer Has the Heart for Truly Experimental Football." "When you start listening to the critics, it's time to go." TOP FLOOR OF THE HOLLOW SHELL THAT …
Sponsored Post: The Most Expensive Orgy in History
The Westgate Hotel is proud to invite the sophisticated and literate readers of Almost Factual News to celebrate the coming of the New Year in the manner of what Great Gatsby author F. Scott Fitzgerald called "the most expensive orgy …
Economic Indicator Report: Housing Starts Down, Tunnel Construction Up
According to figures released yesterday, San Diego's homebuilding market is continuing its nightmarish decline since the glory days of the mid-aughts: housing starts were down 47% in October from the same month in 2005. But as recent discoveries have indicated, …
Medical Marijuana Dispensaries Begin Implementing "Pop-Up" Locations
Popular Restaurant Trend Inspires Retailers to Sell Product at Temporary "Streetcorner Shops." "I don't know why we didn't think of this before." CORNER OF 30TH AND IMPERIAL, JUST AROUND MIDNIGHT - Marshall Samuelson had a problem. The Federal Government had …
La Jolla Stem Cell Laboratory Replaced with "Labattoiry"
MUTTERING SOMETHING ABOUT A BRAVE NEW WORLD, LA JOLLA - The quest to follow the German philosopher Gottfried Leibniz's dictum that we "put nature on the rack" and figure out how to twist it to our own ends will greatly …
SANDAG Releases 2050 Regional Travel Plan
Report's surprising title: 2050: The Return of the Horse Critics say Association's predictions of dystopian future in which automobiles are "forgotten relics of a bygone age" are "unnecessarily pessimistic." Others praise plan's "forward-thinking vision of a greener San Diego County." …
San Diego Pastor Calls Tim Tebow "God's Quarterback"
Megachurch Pastor Sees Almighty's Hand at Work in Chargers' Loss "Everybody thought Christ was a failure, too - right up until the Big Game on Easter Sunday." When Tim Tebow put in an appearance at the Sunday morning worship service …
Local Pro-Life Group Protests Maltreatment of Fin-Whale Fetus
San Diego Chapter of the Baby Burial Brigade Demands "Dignified Burial at Sea" for Whale Fetus Found on Beach "Just because it's a whale fetus doesn't mean it isn't a person. Well, it does mean it isn't a person, but …
Fin Whales Vow to Re-Occupy Point Loma Beach
Outraged, Enormous Mammals to Continue Protest at Point Loma Wastewater Treatment Plant Despite Eviction by Authorities Translated whalesong: "They've been dumping their crap on us for too long. The system is broken, and something has to change." REMOTE STRETCH OF …
Coach Turner Promises Miracle Turnaround for His Fantasy Football Team
Embattled Coach-Provocateur Says He Laments Injuries, Refuses to Blame Woes on Players, Expects Better Things in Near Future "I'll miss Cutler, but have you seen Tebow's numbers over the past couple of weeks? Kid is on fire!" INSIDE THE SITUATION …
Daddy Issues
Ocotillo Wells Teen Claims Paternity of Lakeside resident Mariah Yeater's Justin Beiber-Hoax Baby "She's purty. And famouser than me. And now I want to tell the story of our wild night together!" LISTENING AS THE GEARS OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION GRIND …
A Peek Behind the Curtain
Dearest SD on the QT readers: We here at SD on the QT prefer, as a rule, not to show you how the sausage is made. Journalism isn't always a pretty business, especially when you're getting the "news you won't …
Papa's Got A Brand New Rag
To Celebrate Acquisition of Union-Tribune "Papa Doug" Manchester Adopts New Familial Nickname." "No more 'Papa.' Just call me 'Big Brother'!" GATHERING UP EVERYTHING THAT ISN'T BOLTED DOWN, UNION TRIBUNE HEADQUARTERS IN MISSION VALLEY - Well, it's official: Doug "Big Pappy" …
UCSD: Best Prank Ever
Senior Class Fabricates Existence of Korean "Artist," Cons Stuart Collection into Hanging House Off Edge of Seven-Story Building Stuart Collection Curator Attempts to Save Face: "Actually, joke's on them: this prank is so genius that it ascends to the level …