"Where the hell were you last night?" Mel's accusatory tone cracks across the space between our cell phones. "You were supposed to watch Project Runway with me." "Mel, now listen, this is important stuff," I …

At night the door on my neighbor's apartment clacked open and shut. All night, the spring-loaded screen swung open -- reeeeeek -- and slammed back shut -- clack ! Marco, the landlord who spoke some …

"I've heard you can Effect the outcome of sporting events." "You've been misinformed," the man says. "I don't effect the outcome of sporting events any more than you do, or anyone for that matter." His …

"We are the oldest whitest people on the planet, aren't we?" Ron asks. I agree and nod. "We're like the last holdouts in a zombie movie. Outside that door is a civilization we don't recognize. …

My wireless Internet connection fades out and goes black. Plodding into the next room, I duck my head under the bed and push my ass high in the air, and I root around for the …

Two Policia scratch the black leather soles of their boots against the grit of the sidewalk as they turn their backs to me. The Spanish in their mouths is the deliberate cadence of morning, and …

She sits like a stack of deli meats, all mounded up and sliding off of herself. Purple straps and black straps from tank tops and bras try to restrain her soft bubbles of flesh. Engorged …

"All right, everyone quiet down. Let's pick a movie. How do I do that?" "You have to go to the On Demand screen, then..." "Where the hell is that?" "It's back two things. You have …

Rowdy honky-tonk stomps into the room from a monolith speaker in the corner. Piano keys jangle. Drum skins are slapped broad with flat sticks. Disconcerting. The whole damn atmosphere is intentionally disconcerting."Do you remember Molly …

"14 Miles," the angular numbers and white diode letters flash from a matte black, artificial panel, and a synthesized beep beep sounds. The beeps escape the atmosphere of the room and leave behind the whirring …

A VD clinic is like if you could take a standard elevator and stretch it in every direction. Chemical lemons accost the sinuses; every surface has been wiped down with a disinfecting alcohol solution. Light …

Of all the songs in the entire world that one can rattle out of an electric speaker, someone chose this. From the earliest recorded sound on wax cones of misguided notes upon spinning, leaden, glass …

"Fourth down and one. Chargers need to convert here to put themselves in field goal range." Sparkling graphics prance across the screen with stats on how many points the San Diego kickers scored this year …

"Do you ever watch Arrested Development?" John asks. "No," I answer. This is where most conversations with me go. When the "How have you been doing?" greetings are over and we've stared at our mimosa …

"It's a polar bear," a statuesque woman on the little black screen breathes huskily while posing for the camera. "Wait," I blurt. The DVD is paused. "The plane supposedly crashed in the tropics. Why the …

"Guinness, please," I mumble to the woman behind the bar while I shuffle a handful of bills around. I start to feel human again with the first few sips. An Olympic-caliber hangover sat in my …

By Sunday morning I had been up for 24 hours. The attempt to sleep would prove to be futile. Instead of trying to fight the sun with clamped eyelids and pillows piled over my head, …

Things to do before I turn 30: live on both coasts; fall in love; backpack around Europe; ride my bike the 50 miles from Rosarito to Ensenada; write a hit TV series, cast Phoebe Cates, …

It's the compulsion, the need that keeps you awake until dawn. The drugs are secondary. That hole has to be filled. Somehow you were given that hole. During your childhood. The intricate latticework of behavioral …

"I've heard you're God," the reporter said. The old man whom the reporter was talking to continued to chomp on his chocolate chip chocolate muffin. When the hoary fellow finished he croaked out, "Who told …

My phone rang. "Hi, this is Josh from Girls Gone Wild , and I've got..." "Girls Gone Wild?" I asked. "Yes, sir," his crackly, immature voice croaked over my receiver. "Josh, is it?" "Yes, sir. …

You can't outrun evolution. You can throw a blazer over a half-tucked button-up, slip a sterling money clip into your back pocket, open the door, and ease your Dolce & Gabbana sandals over the pedals …

A burst of screaming kids blew out of the door , down the steps, and across the rocky front yard. "Happy Birthday, Donovan!" I yelled to one of the grubby little monsters as he shot …

"Coffee, please," I say and hold back on snapping my fingers and yelling, "Quick! Quick! Move! Move!" She understands the unspoken commands and slides a clear, textured glass of ice water in front of me. …

"At Shady Acres we're committed to respect," the announcer says. Across the TV screen, a golf cart eases down a concrete path between two manicured lawns. I look over at my dad. "Don't even think …

"I can't believe you guys brought a TV and VCR," I announced to the group of blue overalls sitting in the torpedo room. "You know what I brought? I brought some books and CDs. I …

"Ugh," I say and roll my eyes. "Change it." "What are you talking about?" Joe, my cousin asks, incredulous. "That's Metallica." "I know it's Metallica. They suck. Change it." "Metallica rocks," he says and throws …

"So, what do you think?" That's my dad's standard phrase. The phrase he speaks when he doesn't have anything else to say. When silence pulls the room into its vacuum, "So, what do you think?" …

Being hung over is a special treat. Last night I felt like I was made of golden light, all smiles and surrounded by fluffy pillows. This morning the harsh crash of trash cans in the …

In an effort to get the key to the Subway across the street, Kip, my roommate, has come up with a clever plan. Since I'm super-famous, we figure it's only a matter of time before …

Scrawled in my notebook during Comic-Con Wednesday July 13, 2005 1:21 p.m. Eating lunch downtown with Kip and Renee before walking to the convention center. On the street outside the restaurant are two men waiting …

If this was on television, the scene would show me sitting across from a girl. When she talks you can see her mouth move, but only hear The Dukes of Hazzard theme playing from the …

Teeth grind when you're addicted. Every second of the day. While you sleep. While you shower. You never eat when you're addicted. If you did eat, your teeth and dry mouth would grind everything into …

Sweat cracked across my forehead, pooled in my eyes, and stung my cracked lips. The skin peeking from beneath my collar turned from irritated to burned. When my hands touched the granite, I smelled charred …

Mary had a little lamb. Mary's ovine pet propelled her, not just to stardom, but to galactic fame. It was the TV show featuring Mary and her adolescent sheep where her acclaim started. It was …

On TV, people's faces look dramatic in the rain. In real life, the rain doesn't impart that magic quality of passion. The air between cars is painted with a gray, oily brush. The black dots …

People don't talk in real life the way they do on TV. In real life nobody makes a statement then waits for the other person to speak. Nobody answers a question directly. People don't listen …

I kick my feet up on my coffee table. My reclined position affords me an unusual view. On the expanse of white ceiling the contrast of a small black dot catches my eye. The dot …

What about Betsy? "I said, your love!" the flat-screen TV speakers blare into the semi-neutral, designer-coordinated bedroom. Betsy whirls around in a gossamer nightgown, singing the chorus, "Your love keeps liftin' me," and she falls …

I was in terrible shape. My spirit was crushed. Not the soul. I don't believe in souls, but the spirit is hard to ignore. For 45 minutes in the morning I had to commute to …

"Oh, shoot!" Mrs. Juhl said. "I forgot the TV and VCR in the teachers' lounge. Tony, since you're in the back near the door and drawing on your desk instead of reviewing the chapter, why …

Hooters girls danced in circles beneath flickering TV screens. Their dance was a sexually charged Hokey Pokey for guys who were celebrating a birthday. "You put your name tag in! You put your name tag …

"Trigg, how's it going?" I asked. Trigg was the kind of guy who would tell people how he was doing instead of going through the "Fine, how about you?" process. "Well, first of all, my …

Journal Entry, April 17, 2005: I guess the story could start anytime. It could start when I lost my job. It could start the night before I lost my job when I bought the bottle …

"Woof!" My dad uses the same word to describe women he finds both ugly and attractive -- only the inflection in his voice changes. For attractive women he rocks back in his recliner and clutches …

THE ICE OF THE DANUBE RIVER HAD THAWED A LITTLE and flat chunks flowed along the bank. I walked from the Chain Bridge into the Pest half of Budapest, shielding my face against biting wind. …

I KNOCKED ON THE DOOR. There were people inside, but nobody got up to answer. I checked my notebook: 52 Romford Road, London, England. I was on the right street at the right house, but …

i REPRODUCE BY EXPELLING A CLOUD OF SPORES. Through the millions of years of evolution the lizard cortex of my brain recognizes patterns that indicate a situation of possible reproduction. Whenever colors and shapes align …

"TODAY IS GOING TO BE A NICE ONE: SUNNY IN THE MORNING to mid-afternoon with partly cloudy skies this evening, but only a slight chance of rain," the blond weatherman in the tailored, navy blue …

WE WERE ALREADY DRUNK AS HELL. We'd been at a birthday party in an apartment near the airport drinking beer and vodka for hours. The cocaine kept us operating at a normal frequency despite the …

I WAS ALWAYS CHASING CIGARETTES AROUND and grabbing them by the butt. The ashtray before me heaped with gray dust and leafy tubes of cotton. The barbecued tobacco stained my fingers and turned them into …

"I WANT TO GO ON OPRAH AND HAVE HER ANNOUNCE ME AS 'The Man Who Made Wearing Skirts Okay,'" David gushed. The others at the party hardly noticed the frilly petticoat purposefully pouring from his …