I was 23 years old this night in Chula Vista. My name is Tammy. I had met Michael year earlier at a bar in C.V. Michael was an outlaw biker in a notoriously violent So. Cal. club. I just didn't get what that meant... to date this man and his club rules. But I would learn. And I would join the CCC within a year. On a hope and a prayer for a new perspective for my life. I was stationed in Escondido but I still missed C.V.. My Gran was there... it made it my home. And I missed Dawn. She was the girlfriend of another "brother" and she was my friend. I wanted to see her even though she lived with Fatman. I loved her. We understood eachother. Then 3 blocks away was Gran. At 23 you figure you can work everything out. So on the bus to Broadway and Moss. Dawn and I were so happy that evening. But this was a man's world and soon enough Michael discovered I was in town and hadn't asked to see him.
       After telling Fatman to make sure I stayed put until he got there I was handed the phone..."Hello" Screaming fury blasted my ear, my head..."Why was i so effed up, so selfish?". "How could you not even want to see me?". I was thinking the screaming and threat about what was to happen to me though I kept this to myself.
      Now I am just sitting on the edge of a bed FRANTIC, in mounting panic.. even Dawn's helpless eyes pained me.
     Behind me a door I cannot walk through. Before me sliding glass doors... So close I see only the dark... So close I can almost touch open space.
                             DESPERATION SWELLING
                               My mind infested with fear...
                                         I see a plan
                             YES! I can see it happening
                                           My body
                                          smashing
                                            through
                                               the
                                             glass

I am running in my mind's eye, my body intact. But how fast? Am i fast enough to run across the backyard and over a fence? Before they reach me? My logic shrinking fast than a cold dick on an icy morning... Am I fast enough? Maybe... Sanity giving way to madness... Am i fast enough? I am. I think. Not worried about breaking bones or glass or blood Getting there seems so doable... I WANT TO BELIEVE! Alas, I am no so great at obliviousness and this is all so heart-poundingly real. The heart-pounding and all! I'm so quietly still in internal pleading only I know I'm screaming. On the other end of the line Michael has become more than a voice. He shrouds my whole life now. Yet, I no longer hear his words. I no longer see him. My soul demands I think. To think is to breathe. Breath is thought. Thought is life. Keep him on the phone. He can't be here then, right? I just need a little more time. Once he hangs up I have maybe 30 minutes max. Bust something is brewing in the universe of my soul. So I just keep talking in that same pleading weakened tone he expects to hear. And the "brother" in the room just keeps looking at his computer, not wanting to hear. He hates that sound in my voice. He can't aknowledge his own fear... doesn't want to remember his own humanity... I am panic choked. I am aching silence. But I have an idea. Back to the phone. One final question, "Are you going to hurt me?" I ask. "Worry about it." Click. 30 min. TICK TOCK TICK TOCK. But I just keep talking. Pleading, obsequiesse talking; like hes still there. Fatman still facing his computer. Animal in the living room. Dawn Scarce. Finally Sweet, Sweet dial tone. Keep talking Tammy... My fingers barely moving...911. I talk to answering angel as if she is Michael. Trying to be specific in a non specific way... "I want to go home"... "Please dont hurt me"..."I need to go". Was it ten seconds? It felt like forever. I wonder if my angel has ears that hear me. Does she get it? Stay with it Tammy. Believe in it. Now let go. I have to trust and Hang up. There is power in this, here, now. I wait for rescue. Tick Tock, Tick Tock. I pray. Though I don't know to whom or what. Every molecule I can summon is busy trusting me, trusting this, my only plan. TICK TOCK. Escape my only goal. I am blnd in breathless anticipation. Awed at my desire for life. OH MY GOD! The phone is ringing. It's only been moments... I know who is is--- Fatman answers. He listens. He says "No one called 911. No crying females here." Thank god I'm not actually crying. But his tone, his air, his smell I can tell
I am being noticed now Will he sense my doom? Can he taste it, my impending gloom? NO! This is still my creation. Believe. He sees me now. But he can't believe in me now and see in himself less. I could not possess a strength he did not own. Nor can a girl be craftier than he. Surely he would have seen me coming. My eyes level... my head up. I dont look away. I don't know anything. I begin to see in him his own mounting fear. Now he hears TICK TOCK... the police will check soon... closer than my fear. I don't dwell on this, too much, right now. I stay still within my "truth". My scent does not change. Hold on, I think to myself. You might just make it out of here. TICK TOCK Fatman's threat is clear. "If I find out you did this, you won't have to worry about Mike." I show him no fear. I give him nothing of me to hold on to or focus on or rage on or blame. I realse him to himself.. his own world---- Then commotion, he's shouting orders...guns, guns all of those guns...moving through a secret door to a house next door.They don't move me...I seem apart from all of this.Invisible. In my whole self I believe only this. This facade can hold me Fatman's worries consume him. Animal just seems dazed. TICK TOCK. Then the knock. Yes. Sweet salvation, please be mine. Fatman walks out, Dawn comes in. A brief glance then her back is to me at the door. I remain seated on the bed. Maybe I can't move yet... When the officer comes to the door Dawn is saying she didn't call 911 and needs no assistance. I don't remember using my words. Only i hoped my eyes were screaming loudly enough for him to see (hear?) my need. I see it! He senses something-- Thank god, my higher power, the effing universe or some unnamed angel.. He plays it very cool. Subtle and smooth. I know he knows who these men are. He says he'll need to see each female one at a time outside. Just to be sure, you understand his body language says routine procedure. After Dawn comes back she says I'm #2. Yea!-- I'm out of the bedroom, into the living room, walking right through. Trying not to run.... keep walking toward the door. Less than 10ft down the hallway out... when the other female (who I like to call sorrowful, meddlesome c who forgets she is not one with her man. Or bitch for short.), says "Leave your purse.". This wakes up Animal, to me as an issue in his life. He's like "Ya, leave your purse." But Im too close to the exit now and I'm gonna keep moving. I kinda glance over my shoulder with a "what?" and BOOM only 5 more feet. I figure the doors closer to me than he is... plus there is an effing cop in the driveway...so... screw you motherf***, I scream in my head. I'll take my chances outside. And I'm out. Time is of the essence. I mean, I have, maybe 10minutes tops, before Michael...gets...HERE. It's all I can do not to run screaming down the street. I walk right past him.."Do you have a car here?" "where is it?" "Up the street,good. Lets go" I even went straight to the back to show I was no threat. Now I'm in ACT 2. It's going to be tricky. I can't really say anything. I can't look like there's much to be said. I don't care if he thinks I'm a complete idiot. I'd rather. "Are you ok?" "Yes sir, I'm fine." "Now" "I just really need to get to my Gram's". "it's close, right on G st." "Please." "Ijust really need to be at my Gram's" "You know." he replies "I could arrest you for being under the influence of narcotics." You would be safe from these guys." "No really, I'll be fine" "I barely knew them, I'm just stupid". "Please, take me to my Gram's" "Really lets just go now." My ignorant persona (not such a lie) must be working because he agrees. With one last warning about how unprotected I'll be. TICK TOCK. He says he'll go back in and tell them he's arresting me to buy me some more time. Sure, but, please I really want to get to my Gram's. TICK TOCK. I can't tell him about the ticking time bomb barrelling toward me. Finally we get to Gram's, three blocks and a world away. Turns out the jig wasn't up when they called the jail, amazing they lied too and said I was there! wow! I cared only to get inside. I'm at Gram's. She has so many questions. But I can't tonight. I quiet her and make sure the lights are out and curtains closed. I can almost feel Michael arriving at the the house I am not. Stomping, cursing, pulling at his hair. How could two "brothers" fail to keep me in a "brothers" house? But, thats their problem. I lay on the floor and breathe deeply. I realize from the moment one man sought to control my fate and another man gave it back to me, only 30 minutes had passed this night in chula vista. As my heart began to ease into the next 30 minutes, 2 more hearts only 3 blocks away are thumping in explanation. And I lived to tell the tale. After a year's absence I came back to Chula Vista. I live here still with my own family. Gram's is gone but always with me. I never did see Dawn again, but the spirit of her friendship woud save me again. Fatman is also gone, but before he died I called him friend...As for Michael... Sometimes I even notice those streets that remind me of that one night in Chula Vista. It seems so long ago. A story never told. Now you know.