Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

Things Are Going To Get Ugly

Today I bring you a profoundly expensive item for the Runner-Up:

19th Century Tortoiseshell Tea Caddy - $6000 (Normal Heights)

At first, I was a little skeptical. Six (6) grand for an ickle-bitty tea cozy box without a key? Sure, it's made out of (probably) endangered animals, which definitely gives it a little of the X-factor to the discerning collector. Turns out that it contains ALL THE EVILS OF THE WORLD, hence the expense. Who knew? Anybody feeling curious?

Speaking of tortoises--here's the day's Best of the Best1.

BIRDS AND TORTOISES

Posing as a charitable soul willing to take in "deformed" birds and tortoises "not in the best of shape" is all well and good, but I see your secret plans, Mister.

It is clear that you are building a secret army....

Oh, I hope we never again see the day when an army of laser-cannon equipped, bio-mechanically enhanced Turtle Birds stalks the lands, incinerating whole villages with their laser vision, stomping on the huts of innocent peasants with their terrible, robotic legs. The women and children lie huddled in silent terror beneath the floor joists as the men go bravely out to die at the hands of the indestructible army. The bravest try to sneak out under cover of darkness to procure food and water for the starving refugees, but they are swiftly gunned down by the terrible Turtle Bird soldiers, for whom darkness is no hindrance.

How could we not have seen this coming? We ignored all the signs; the maniacal stockpiling of turtles and birds with nothing left to lose, the all-caps posting of the mad scientist who kickstarted the apocalypse with his dabblings in the darkest of the dark sciences. We ignored the rising of the tide, and thus were swept away.

But, from the darkness, a hero was born. She is the only one who can stand against the Turtle Birds. She is our Joan of Arc, our Charles de Gaulle, our Neo, our John Connor. Her name is Murgatroid and she will free us from the horror of life in 2010.

Yes, that's right, the near future--2010! The Year the Earth Went Kablooey. Before 2010, things were so peachy keen, frosted with the deliciousness of a life before the onslaught of the demented army of Turtle Birds with their laser cannons, razor-sharp wings, and impenetrable shells. The numerologists, astrologers, and other pseudo-scientists were two years too late in their prediction of the 2012 Armageddon.

Our fight continues--Murgatroid will deliver us!

1. No, not that Best of the Best, obvi.

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all

Previous article

Gonzo Report: Three nights of Mission Bayfest bring bliss

“This is a top-notch production.”

Today I bring you a profoundly expensive item for the Runner-Up:

19th Century Tortoiseshell Tea Caddy - $6000 (Normal Heights)

At first, I was a little skeptical. Six (6) grand for an ickle-bitty tea cozy box without a key? Sure, it's made out of (probably) endangered animals, which definitely gives it a little of the X-factor to the discerning collector. Turns out that it contains ALL THE EVILS OF THE WORLD, hence the expense. Who knew? Anybody feeling curious?

Speaking of tortoises--here's the day's Best of the Best1.

BIRDS AND TORTOISES

Posing as a charitable soul willing to take in "deformed" birds and tortoises "not in the best of shape" is all well and good, but I see your secret plans, Mister.

It is clear that you are building a secret army....

Oh, I hope we never again see the day when an army of laser-cannon equipped, bio-mechanically enhanced Turtle Birds stalks the lands, incinerating whole villages with their laser vision, stomping on the huts of innocent peasants with their terrible, robotic legs. The women and children lie huddled in silent terror beneath the floor joists as the men go bravely out to die at the hands of the indestructible army. The bravest try to sneak out under cover of darkness to procure food and water for the starving refugees, but they are swiftly gunned down by the terrible Turtle Bird soldiers, for whom darkness is no hindrance.

How could we not have seen this coming? We ignored all the signs; the maniacal stockpiling of turtles and birds with nothing left to lose, the all-caps posting of the mad scientist who kickstarted the apocalypse with his dabblings in the darkest of the dark sciences. We ignored the rising of the tide, and thus were swept away.

But, from the darkness, a hero was born. She is the only one who can stand against the Turtle Birds. She is our Joan of Arc, our Charles de Gaulle, our Neo, our John Connor. Her name is Murgatroid and she will free us from the horror of life in 2010.

Yes, that's right, the near future--2010! The Year the Earth Went Kablooey. Before 2010, things were so peachy keen, frosted with the deliciousness of a life before the onslaught of the demented army of Turtle Birds with their laser cannons, razor-sharp wings, and impenetrable shells. The numerologists, astrologers, and other pseudo-scientists were two years too late in their prediction of the 2012 Armageddon.

Our fight continues--Murgatroid will deliver us!

1. No, not that Best of the Best, obvi.

Sponsored
Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Deep Blue Sea

Next Article

Wicked Costly

Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Drinks All Around — Bartenders' drink recipes Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories Fishing Report — What’s getting hooked from ship and shore From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town The Gonzo Report — Making the musical scene, or at least reporting from it Letters — Our inbox Movies@Home — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Outdoors — Weekly changes in flora and fauna Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Street Style — San Diego streets have style Surf Diego — Real stories from those braving the waves Theater — On stage in San Diego this week Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close

Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

This Week’s Reader This Week’s Reader