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CRAIGSLIST FUNNIES: I've been collecting these headscratchers that I've found posted in the San Diego Musician section of Craigslist.
“Heroine addicts need not apply.” (So no Supergirl collectors)
“Need female dancers…no flukes or groupiers please.” (We’re allergic to fish)
“Must be god centered and ready and willing to spread only positive massages.” (Yeah, negative massages never have a happy ending)
“CD artwork…can provide samples on speculam.” (Said the freelance gynecologist?)
“Every day that goes by without a gig, [I] get closer to killing everyone in my neighborhood.” (Another reason to avoid living next door to a drummer)
“Looking for female dancer who sings…vocal talent not necessary. Must weigh 9 or 10 on hottie scale.” (Pounds?)
“We are revalutionery street poets none for our acapollo freestile raps.” (Turn off Showtime At The Acapollo and go buy a dictionary)
“Heavy singer looking for heavy band to make heavy music.” (What, is Meat Loaf outta work again?)
“Bing Crosby needs Bob Hope. Singing comic or funny singer needed to put together variety act…don’t be stuck up.” (Unless you're El Vez)
“Tired of playing with yourself? Let me help.” (Groupies-R-Us?)
“Metal guitarist looking to form or join group…not into Cookie Monster sounding vocals.” (So forget about me playing that Dr. Teeth reunion)
“Death metal tuba…looking to increase my tuba resume experience.” (The kid from Fame gets all the good gigs.)
“Funeral vocalist. Fill your loved one’s farewell with heavenly music....Classical, popular, traditional. Military burials (National Anthem). At chapel, funeral home, graveside, in-home.” (Can I get that to-go?)
(Okay, I'll knock off the snide commentary and just let the weirdness flow...)
“Seeking U2Heads to portray U2's Boy/October era in sight and sound…seeking a Bono, Adam, and Larry. The Edge portrayer position is taken. Wigs, attire, and equipment, similar to what U2 looked like and used at that time are mandatory, no exceptions…This band is to portray the very early years of U2 when they played small venues and pubs, which is where we will play too.”
“If you love hip-hop, R&B, and consider yourself a true artist, a local producer (with song/production credits) wants to breath life into your talent…please do not respond if you just started doing what you do yesterday, or if the only person to ever tell you you’ve got talent is your mama.”
“We need a strong [female] vocalist that's sexy and powerful. I want tattoos and the pin-up girl look, ie Betty Page. I said sexy, so you should no[sp] that's within, not on the outside…We also don't want a screamer. A little is ok, but that's it.”
“Need a drummer, bass player and lead guitar to start up a Pretenders cover band. I would sing lead vocals and organize shows…open to branching out into more eighties stuff, not married to a Pretenders-only thing. I promise that I am a more-than-decent Chrissie Hynde knock-off.”
“Metal/Rock band seeks vocalist…We like to stay positive and fairly intelligent, so no lame ‘I wanna stabby rip stab stab myself’ emo lyrics or stupid Satan murder death kill lyrics, and nothing lyrically that is a four letter word every other word.”
“I play the flute and I need to find a band. Any kind of band. I just need to jam. Preferably on stage.”
“Looking for some people to jam with. I'm not looking for the best…Must be willing to piss off neighbors, must like to drink beer!”
“Looking for acoustic or stand-up bassist…We're pretty laid back. We drink and burn. Don't worry, we're not hippies.”
“I'm a vocalist who also creates intense soundscapes using synths and my voice…certainly not anything commercial.”
“Musicians who are aware that the time of their rising has arrived…is it clear to you that through the infinity power of sound you can make a difference in humanity? Do you posses the talent to make a difference through your music?”
“Bassist wanted for experimental jazz group. No real songs, just solid improv…We have gigs. Yes, even though its definitely not popular music, we have gigs. We know people.”
“Our shows include circus acts, vaudeville, black light, aerialist, sideshows… If you can play and have a circus skill, even better. If not we can teach you one.”
“I am a female musician (27 years old) with 20-plus years of professional gigging experience…with no money and no car. Can you drive me to gigs and record my songs?”
“I need two female vocalists or cheer leaders. The part is a small cheer on a hip-hop track. The vocalists need to be able to cheer the word: K-N-O-L-E-G-E…you will be compensated $10 for your time.”
“Bass player needed… 420 friendly, no egos and no emos.”
“We are searching for a vocalist who can provide his/her share of the money…needed to take a band to a professional level.”
“I have never been in a band or performed my own songs for anyone other than my family and friends [but] I recently had an epiphany where it was made very clear that I need to start singing.”
“I look just like James Hetfield from Metallica…I have sang in bands and we did a Metallica cover and it went over pretty well. I think there is some good money to be made doing this.”
“Female background singer wanted…you don’t need to be super thin, but we want someone without a weight problem.”
“Female Vocalist: I love to sing [but] I dont have a way to do it without irritating the neighbors of my apartment complex…maybe a band?”
“Free Demo Reviews: I’ll write that your[sp] great even if you suck…I can’t get you a record deal but I want free demos.”
“Old farts band (Chula Vista) looking for other moldy oldies just like me in their 60s…[I] want to jam with other geriatric rockers.”
“Drummer available…must be punk. I not very good yet.”
“Political Hip-Hop…Obama would like us if Obama liked hip-hop. Which he does…He’s lying about that.”
“Band plays for beer…or [for] $50 but you better twist us some doobage.”
“For U2 and Springsteen fans…you have sh-tty taste in music.”
“Top secret tribute band…starting blink 182 tribute…if you steal this idea, I’ll sue you.”
“Wanted: Female lead guitar player who can play simply and poignantly…You should have some stage personality, be able to laugh and be able to handle banter about dildos, poop, and David Lee Roth's ass baring chaps without blushing.”
“I'm a writer, singer, sex machiner…I am a spiritual soldier singing melodic, fist-pounding messages from a pulpit in the sky…It's scary what we're putting together.”
“I am the lyricist/ female lead singer/songwrietr founder of the band [Josiah Hawk] ,the only reason i say this, is not to be ego, but to tell you ,this music thes bad is something i have sacrficed alot for and put my heart and soul inot, i wil od that for all of us, but you have to want it too.”
“you don't have to be pro, you just have to have integrity, good taste, and social graces. i'm easy going but very driven at the same time…be at least 21, if your not and still find this interesting we can talk about it. boys, girls, pets, oceans, mountains, flowers, and martians are encouraged to come forth.”
“Do not support Squirrelly Arts! They are evil, and you will go to Hell even if you engage in listening to their messages of hate, homosexuality, and complete disregard for our Lord and Savior.”
“We don’t suck…if you suck, try out for the Locust.”
“I wasn’t expecting to start a Craigslist flame war” says singer/songwriter Scott Wilson of his own recent online classified ads. “I’ve been posting for filmmakers to collaborate on music videos. A bunch of people started attacking my resume, some accusing me of being a liar and others who said I’m not even who I say I am...there was some reference to my Emmy Award as an ‘imaginary statue.’”
Wilson’s day job as a video editor earned him a 2002 Emmy for Outstanding Multi-Camera Picture Editing for a Miniseries, Movie or Special, for his work on the 2001 performance documentary Sting…All This Time. “They were pissed off [on Craigslist] because I couldn’t afford to pay them,” says Wilson, who has edited TV shows like Rock Star: INXS, various MTV and VH1 specials, and DVDs featuring Metallica and Queensryche. “Even people who believed my resume, there was some problem with my status as a broke musician, as opposed to a successful video editor. In reality, I was looking for students or aspiring filmmakers to collaborate with, who wanted to create in the spirit of love instead of profit. If you prove yourself, the profit will come.”
Amidst the negative and frequently foul-mouthed posts (“You couldn’t print them”), Wilson says “One guy came to my defense and said that these people make the San Diego video industry look like a bunch of amateurs.” He’s decided to stop referencing his Emmy while seeking video collaborators, since people tend to associate that with deep pockets. “I could take a picture of the Award, but it’s in my storage room, packed in a box. People kept wanting to touch it.
Wilson ended up self-shooting his newest video for the song “Shade of Eden,” currently only available as a free MP3 at www.sandiegoreader.com. “I used a small Flip UltraHD camera to film performance shots at Santee Lakes and at Mast Park nearby, on Carlton Oaks…I’m still looking for people who want to do videos for my songs. I would reciprocate by editing the best video that I could possibly make, in order to showcase their talent.”
“As long as they don’t want to touch my Emmy.”
CRAIGSLIST FUNNIES: I've been collecting these headscratchers that I've found posted in the San Diego Musician section of Craigslist.
“Heroine addicts need not apply.” (So no Supergirl collectors)
“Need female dancers…no flukes or groupiers please.” (We’re allergic to fish)
“Must be god centered and ready and willing to spread only positive massages.” (Yeah, negative massages never have a happy ending)
“CD artwork…can provide samples on speculam.” (Said the freelance gynecologist?)
“Every day that goes by without a gig, [I] get closer to killing everyone in my neighborhood.” (Another reason to avoid living next door to a drummer)
“Looking for female dancer who sings…vocal talent not necessary. Must weigh 9 or 10 on hottie scale.” (Pounds?)
“We are revalutionery street poets none for our acapollo freestile raps.” (Turn off Showtime At The Acapollo and go buy a dictionary)
“Heavy singer looking for heavy band to make heavy music.” (What, is Meat Loaf outta work again?)
“Bing Crosby needs Bob Hope. Singing comic or funny singer needed to put together variety act…don’t be stuck up.” (Unless you're El Vez)
“Tired of playing with yourself? Let me help.” (Groupies-R-Us?)
“Metal guitarist looking to form or join group…not into Cookie Monster sounding vocals.” (So forget about me playing that Dr. Teeth reunion)
“Death metal tuba…looking to increase my tuba resume experience.” (The kid from Fame gets all the good gigs.)
“Funeral vocalist. Fill your loved one’s farewell with heavenly music....Classical, popular, traditional. Military burials (National Anthem). At chapel, funeral home, graveside, in-home.” (Can I get that to-go?)
(Okay, I'll knock off the snide commentary and just let the weirdness flow...)
“Seeking U2Heads to portray U2's Boy/October era in sight and sound…seeking a Bono, Adam, and Larry. The Edge portrayer position is taken. Wigs, attire, and equipment, similar to what U2 looked like and used at that time are mandatory, no exceptions…This band is to portray the very early years of U2 when they played small venues and pubs, which is where we will play too.”
“If you love hip-hop, R&B, and consider yourself a true artist, a local producer (with song/production credits) wants to breath life into your talent…please do not respond if you just started doing what you do yesterday, or if the only person to ever tell you you’ve got talent is your mama.”
“We need a strong [female] vocalist that's sexy and powerful. I want tattoos and the pin-up girl look, ie Betty Page. I said sexy, so you should no[sp] that's within, not on the outside…We also don't want a screamer. A little is ok, but that's it.”
“Need a drummer, bass player and lead guitar to start up a Pretenders cover band. I would sing lead vocals and organize shows…open to branching out into more eighties stuff, not married to a Pretenders-only thing. I promise that I am a more-than-decent Chrissie Hynde knock-off.”
“Metal/Rock band seeks vocalist…We like to stay positive and fairly intelligent, so no lame ‘I wanna stabby rip stab stab myself’ emo lyrics or stupid Satan murder death kill lyrics, and nothing lyrically that is a four letter word every other word.”
“I play the flute and I need to find a band. Any kind of band. I just need to jam. Preferably on stage.”
“Looking for some people to jam with. I'm not looking for the best…Must be willing to piss off neighbors, must like to drink beer!”
“Looking for acoustic or stand-up bassist…We're pretty laid back. We drink and burn. Don't worry, we're not hippies.”
“I'm a vocalist who also creates intense soundscapes using synths and my voice…certainly not anything commercial.”
“Musicians who are aware that the time of their rising has arrived…is it clear to you that through the infinity power of sound you can make a difference in humanity? Do you posses the talent to make a difference through your music?”
“Bassist wanted for experimental jazz group. No real songs, just solid improv…We have gigs. Yes, even though its definitely not popular music, we have gigs. We know people.”
“Our shows include circus acts, vaudeville, black light, aerialist, sideshows… If you can play and have a circus skill, even better. If not we can teach you one.”
“I am a female musician (27 years old) with 20-plus years of professional gigging experience…with no money and no car. Can you drive me to gigs and record my songs?”
“I need two female vocalists or cheer leaders. The part is a small cheer on a hip-hop track. The vocalists need to be able to cheer the word: K-N-O-L-E-G-E…you will be compensated $10 for your time.”
“Bass player needed… 420 friendly, no egos and no emos.”
“We are searching for a vocalist who can provide his/her share of the money…needed to take a band to a professional level.”
“I have never been in a band or performed my own songs for anyone other than my family and friends [but] I recently had an epiphany where it was made very clear that I need to start singing.”
“I look just like James Hetfield from Metallica…I have sang in bands and we did a Metallica cover and it went over pretty well. I think there is some good money to be made doing this.”
“Female background singer wanted…you don’t need to be super thin, but we want someone without a weight problem.”
“Female Vocalist: I love to sing [but] I dont have a way to do it without irritating the neighbors of my apartment complex…maybe a band?”
“Free Demo Reviews: I’ll write that your[sp] great even if you suck…I can’t get you a record deal but I want free demos.”
“Old farts band (Chula Vista) looking for other moldy oldies just like me in their 60s…[I] want to jam with other geriatric rockers.”
“Drummer available…must be punk. I not very good yet.”
“Political Hip-Hop…Obama would like us if Obama liked hip-hop. Which he does…He’s lying about that.”
“Band plays for beer…or [for] $50 but you better twist us some doobage.”
“For U2 and Springsteen fans…you have sh-tty taste in music.”
“Top secret tribute band…starting blink 182 tribute…if you steal this idea, I’ll sue you.”
“Wanted: Female lead guitar player who can play simply and poignantly…You should have some stage personality, be able to laugh and be able to handle banter about dildos, poop, and David Lee Roth's ass baring chaps without blushing.”
“I'm a writer, singer, sex machiner…I am a spiritual soldier singing melodic, fist-pounding messages from a pulpit in the sky…It's scary what we're putting together.”
“I am the lyricist/ female lead singer/songwrietr founder of the band [Josiah Hawk] ,the only reason i say this, is not to be ego, but to tell you ,this music thes bad is something i have sacrficed alot for and put my heart and soul inot, i wil od that for all of us, but you have to want it too.”
“you don't have to be pro, you just have to have integrity, good taste, and social graces. i'm easy going but very driven at the same time…be at least 21, if your not and still find this interesting we can talk about it. boys, girls, pets, oceans, mountains, flowers, and martians are encouraged to come forth.”
“Do not support Squirrelly Arts! They are evil, and you will go to Hell even if you engage in listening to their messages of hate, homosexuality, and complete disregard for our Lord and Savior.”
“We don’t suck…if you suck, try out for the Locust.”
“I wasn’t expecting to start a Craigslist flame war” says singer/songwriter Scott Wilson of his own recent online classified ads. “I’ve been posting for filmmakers to collaborate on music videos. A bunch of people started attacking my resume, some accusing me of being a liar and others who said I’m not even who I say I am...there was some reference to my Emmy Award as an ‘imaginary statue.’”
Wilson’s day job as a video editor earned him a 2002 Emmy for Outstanding Multi-Camera Picture Editing for a Miniseries, Movie or Special, for his work on the 2001 performance documentary Sting…All This Time. “They were pissed off [on Craigslist] because I couldn’t afford to pay them,” says Wilson, who has edited TV shows like Rock Star: INXS, various MTV and VH1 specials, and DVDs featuring Metallica and Queensryche. “Even people who believed my resume, there was some problem with my status as a broke musician, as opposed to a successful video editor. In reality, I was looking for students or aspiring filmmakers to collaborate with, who wanted to create in the spirit of love instead of profit. If you prove yourself, the profit will come.”
Amidst the negative and frequently foul-mouthed posts (“You couldn’t print them”), Wilson says “One guy came to my defense and said that these people make the San Diego video industry look like a bunch of amateurs.” He’s decided to stop referencing his Emmy while seeking video collaborators, since people tend to associate that with deep pockets. “I could take a picture of the Award, but it’s in my storage room, packed in a box. People kept wanting to touch it.
Wilson ended up self-shooting his newest video for the song “Shade of Eden,” currently only available as a free MP3 at www.sandiegoreader.com. “I used a small Flip UltraHD camera to film performance shots at Santee Lakes and at Mast Park nearby, on Carlton Oaks…I’m still looking for people who want to do videos for my songs. I would reciprocate by editing the best video that I could possibly make, in order to showcase their talent.”
“As long as they don’t want to touch my Emmy.”