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I met up with Lieutenant Facemelter and noted San Diego plastic surgeon Dr. Donald Flamenco to talk air guitar and dissolved faces. We chatted in a coffee shop 10 minutes away from Facemelter’s top secret training grounds just off the coast of the La Jolla Shores. Before our discussion began, Facemelter tried several times to order a table keg of Pabst Blue Ribbon from the barrista. She informed him that not only were they a coffee shop that didn’t have a liquor license of any sort, but that PBR didn’t even come in the table keg variety. Facemelter was agitated. The time was 8:25 AM.
R: Lieutenant Facemelter, your performance at last year’s San Diego Air Guitar Championship was truly astonishing. How do you plan on topping it this year?
LF: Well, I can assure you it won’t be easy, but I’ve taken all of the necessary precautions to ensure another victory.
R: For the readers who have yet to experience Lieutenant Facemelter live, describe your routine to the uninitiated. LF: Expect 60 seconds of eternal greatness. A hard-hitting, head-banging, panty-wetting good time. Satisfaction guaranteed or you probably hate America.
R: Describe your training regiment and your top secret training facility/fortress of solitude. Is it true that you exist on a strict diet of Pabst Blue Ribbon, trail mix, and pickles?
LF: Man, I used to hate training. I kept going in and out of routines that left me tired, uninspired and yielded minimal results. However earlier this year I found something that finally worked, a hybrid workout I like to call PBR90X.
R: PBR90X?
LF: Yea, you know... it’s a moderated workout using the DVDs of that chistel chest Tony Horton. Tony’s always encouraging you to go at your own pace, so basically I do about 13 situps, fire off a string of frustrated profanity and then shotgun a Pabst. I repeat as necessary, often deciding to skip over the situps completely and just continue drinking. I tried keeping up with the aerobic workout, but I just ended up making a huge mess. Squat thrusts and an open can will paint your walls with beer and soak in your carpet for weeks.
R: So basically you just drink for 90 minutes?
LF: Hey fuck you, man. That shit is intense. Do you know you get a free tanktop when you order those discs?
R: Of course I knew that. As you can see I am wearing one at this very moment. Moving on, tell me about your father, General Facemelter. Why was David Coverdale never charged with murder regarding his death? LF: General Facemelter was a great man. A pioneer of musical genius and the leading inspiration for my involvement in the US Air Guitar circuit. Coverdale was never charged because quite simply, he didn’t do it. Everyone who was there that night knows it was that dickbag Don Dokken who fed him the final shot that put my father in the hospital. Not only did he kill my father, that asshole skipped out on the bill when my dad hit the floor. Dude still owes me $32.70.
R: Lieutenant Facemelter, describe the first face you ever melted while playing air guitar. How did it make you feel watching the skin slide off that skull?
LF: It was intense, man. I was nailing this nasty solo and when I came up to make eye contact with the crowd, the entire front row had collapsed to the floor. At first I was like, “Holy SHIT. I’m in a lot of trouble here.” I finished up my track and the club owner pulled me aside. It was at that moment he explained that facemelting is in fact, a common occurrence and completely treatable if handled by the right doctor. I was relieved and at the same time, empowered to know that I had such a gift.
R: Dr. Flamenco, describe the modern day phenomena of face-melting. When did it begin and how can someone seek treatment after their face has been melted off of their skull?
Dr. F: The first recorded instance of face-melting occurred at a David Bowie concert in Santa Monica circa 1972-the Ziggy years. Mick Ronson, Bowie’s lead guitarist, was in truly rare form. When he launched into that first solo on “Life on Mars” you can just barely hear a female voice in the audience seeming to yell “Yeah!!!” but she was in fact yelling “Yarghhh!!!!” as her face was melting off of her skull while watching Mick with such intense concentration. That is the key to face-melting, it is when the viewer becomes as intensely occupied with the actions of the performer as the performer is- the only result can be a face melting off a skull. Her name was Jenny Smith. Poor Jenny Smith. All those Bowie fans just continued to splash around in the puddle of her melted face bloody slop for the rest of the show, unbeknownst that the seemingly passed-out girl was in fact dead via melted-off face. The most famous instance of face-melting is obviously the scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when the Nazi’s face is melted off when the contents of the ark are revealed to him. What most people don’t realize is that this was no special effect. A young Eddie Van Halen was hired by director Steven Spielburg to play a blistering rendition of “Eruption” directly in front of the actor (Ronald Lacey) for the scene. That scene should be in Faces of Death. Steven Spielburg is a straight up assassin. Think about that when you are watching Super 8 this summer.
R: Wow! That is completely disturbing. I wonder how a nice guy like Tom Hanks can associate with Spielburg knowing he is a cold-hearted killer? Kinda explains how Eddie Van Halen turned into such a dick after those first couple of Van Halen albums as well. What about recovering from face-melting doc? How can victims be treated?
Dr. F: It is really quite simple. If you have a friend whose face is melted off their skull via regular or air-guitar simply scoop up their melted face remnants, place the bloody slop in your pockets and take them with your seemingly dead, exposed skull friend, to an ER. No need to even call an ambulance. Just make sure to keep the skull on ice. And don’t forget the eyes!!! Everyone always seems to forget an eye for some reason. Here’s a tip as well: If you have a friend who seems prone to have his or her face melted off their skull, try to wear cargo shorts or cargo pants when attending concerts with them. I know skinny jeans are all the rage, but they are truly terrible for gathering and transporting melted face blood slop. Now, returning to our main discussion, post ER the face-melting victim will be sent to a qualified plastic surgeon, most likely myself, who specializes in re-crafting the faces of victims who have had their faces melted off of their skulls. In the end, as long as friends had pockets large enough to transport ample amounts of bloody melted face slop, these face-melting casualties will look no more appalling then any of the adobe facial train wrecks you can watch weekly on The Real Housewives of Orange County.
LF: Well that is part of the treatment. Recovery from an MFE (Melted Face Episode) also requires some PTREWR (Post-Traumatic Re-Engagement With Rock.) Similar to a young flower with only the most slight and shallow of roots, a reconstructed face must be watered lightly before it can withstand the elements of a full on hurricane. Dr. Flamenco is actually a pioneer in the field of PTREWR, aren’t you you pussy?
Dr.F: Yes. The treatment basically works like this. For the first month the victim is forced to listen to “More Than Words” by Extreme for 10 hours a day via headphones which are stitched onto his or her skull. The stiches are taken out for the second month, when the listener is introduced to “Is This Love?” by Whitesnake and “I Remember You” by Skid Row. The third month introduces “November Rain” by Guns and Roses and “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin. The final test is the fourth month, when repeated listenings of Iron Maiden’s Greatest Hits are ordered to make sure the recovery is complete. If there is any sign of facial seapage or SM (South Mouth) we quickly throw on Mr. Big’s 1991 album Lean Into It to ensure any further face-melting is ceased immediately.
R: I had heard that The Final Countdown by Europe was the album utilized to ensure non-facial melt.
Dr. F: It was originally but then Europe got pissed.
R: Well they are just a band, they will get over it.
Dr. F: No. The continent Europe got pissed.
R: Ahhhhhhh. So, Lieutenant Facemelter, how many faces do you expect to melt at the Casbah during this year’s Air Guitar Championships in San Diego?
LF: Well, you can't set your sights too high, but I'm gonna target the front row and hope for a full frontal face melt. We're in a smaller venue here, so we're lookin' at maybe 10-15 faces minimum.
I met up with Lieutenant Facemelter and noted San Diego plastic surgeon Dr. Donald Flamenco to talk air guitar and dissolved faces. We chatted in a coffee shop 10 minutes away from Facemelter’s top secret training grounds just off the coast of the La Jolla Shores. Before our discussion began, Facemelter tried several times to order a table keg of Pabst Blue Ribbon from the barrista. She informed him that not only were they a coffee shop that didn’t have a liquor license of any sort, but that PBR didn’t even come in the table keg variety. Facemelter was agitated. The time was 8:25 AM.
R: Lieutenant Facemelter, your performance at last year’s San Diego Air Guitar Championship was truly astonishing. How do you plan on topping it this year?
LF: Well, I can assure you it won’t be easy, but I’ve taken all of the necessary precautions to ensure another victory.
R: For the readers who have yet to experience Lieutenant Facemelter live, describe your routine to the uninitiated. LF: Expect 60 seconds of eternal greatness. A hard-hitting, head-banging, panty-wetting good time. Satisfaction guaranteed or you probably hate America.
R: Describe your training regiment and your top secret training facility/fortress of solitude. Is it true that you exist on a strict diet of Pabst Blue Ribbon, trail mix, and pickles?
LF: Man, I used to hate training. I kept going in and out of routines that left me tired, uninspired and yielded minimal results. However earlier this year I found something that finally worked, a hybrid workout I like to call PBR90X.
R: PBR90X?
LF: Yea, you know... it’s a moderated workout using the DVDs of that chistel chest Tony Horton. Tony’s always encouraging you to go at your own pace, so basically I do about 13 situps, fire off a string of frustrated profanity and then shotgun a Pabst. I repeat as necessary, often deciding to skip over the situps completely and just continue drinking. I tried keeping up with the aerobic workout, but I just ended up making a huge mess. Squat thrusts and an open can will paint your walls with beer and soak in your carpet for weeks.
R: So basically you just drink for 90 minutes?
LF: Hey fuck you, man. That shit is intense. Do you know you get a free tanktop when you order those discs?
R: Of course I knew that. As you can see I am wearing one at this very moment. Moving on, tell me about your father, General Facemelter. Why was David Coverdale never charged with murder regarding his death? LF: General Facemelter was a great man. A pioneer of musical genius and the leading inspiration for my involvement in the US Air Guitar circuit. Coverdale was never charged because quite simply, he didn’t do it. Everyone who was there that night knows it was that dickbag Don Dokken who fed him the final shot that put my father in the hospital. Not only did he kill my father, that asshole skipped out on the bill when my dad hit the floor. Dude still owes me $32.70.
R: Lieutenant Facemelter, describe the first face you ever melted while playing air guitar. How did it make you feel watching the skin slide off that skull?
LF: It was intense, man. I was nailing this nasty solo and when I came up to make eye contact with the crowd, the entire front row had collapsed to the floor. At first I was like, “Holy SHIT. I’m in a lot of trouble here.” I finished up my track and the club owner pulled me aside. It was at that moment he explained that facemelting is in fact, a common occurrence and completely treatable if handled by the right doctor. I was relieved and at the same time, empowered to know that I had such a gift.
R: Dr. Flamenco, describe the modern day phenomena of face-melting. When did it begin and how can someone seek treatment after their face has been melted off of their skull?
Dr. F: The first recorded instance of face-melting occurred at a David Bowie concert in Santa Monica circa 1972-the Ziggy years. Mick Ronson, Bowie’s lead guitarist, was in truly rare form. When he launched into that first solo on “Life on Mars” you can just barely hear a female voice in the audience seeming to yell “Yeah!!!” but she was in fact yelling “Yarghhh!!!!” as her face was melting off of her skull while watching Mick with such intense concentration. That is the key to face-melting, it is when the viewer becomes as intensely occupied with the actions of the performer as the performer is- the only result can be a face melting off a skull. Her name was Jenny Smith. Poor Jenny Smith. All those Bowie fans just continued to splash around in the puddle of her melted face bloody slop for the rest of the show, unbeknownst that the seemingly passed-out girl was in fact dead via melted-off face. The most famous instance of face-melting is obviously the scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when the Nazi’s face is melted off when the contents of the ark are revealed to him. What most people don’t realize is that this was no special effect. A young Eddie Van Halen was hired by director Steven Spielburg to play a blistering rendition of “Eruption” directly in front of the actor (Ronald Lacey) for the scene. That scene should be in Faces of Death. Steven Spielburg is a straight up assassin. Think about that when you are watching Super 8 this summer.
R: Wow! That is completely disturbing. I wonder how a nice guy like Tom Hanks can associate with Spielburg knowing he is a cold-hearted killer? Kinda explains how Eddie Van Halen turned into such a dick after those first couple of Van Halen albums as well. What about recovering from face-melting doc? How can victims be treated?
Dr. F: It is really quite simple. If you have a friend whose face is melted off their skull via regular or air-guitar simply scoop up their melted face remnants, place the bloody slop in your pockets and take them with your seemingly dead, exposed skull friend, to an ER. No need to even call an ambulance. Just make sure to keep the skull on ice. And don’t forget the eyes!!! Everyone always seems to forget an eye for some reason. Here’s a tip as well: If you have a friend who seems prone to have his or her face melted off their skull, try to wear cargo shorts or cargo pants when attending concerts with them. I know skinny jeans are all the rage, but they are truly terrible for gathering and transporting melted face blood slop. Now, returning to our main discussion, post ER the face-melting victim will be sent to a qualified plastic surgeon, most likely myself, who specializes in re-crafting the faces of victims who have had their faces melted off of their skulls. In the end, as long as friends had pockets large enough to transport ample amounts of bloody melted face slop, these face-melting casualties will look no more appalling then any of the adobe facial train wrecks you can watch weekly on The Real Housewives of Orange County.
LF: Well that is part of the treatment. Recovery from an MFE (Melted Face Episode) also requires some PTREWR (Post-Traumatic Re-Engagement With Rock.) Similar to a young flower with only the most slight and shallow of roots, a reconstructed face must be watered lightly before it can withstand the elements of a full on hurricane. Dr. Flamenco is actually a pioneer in the field of PTREWR, aren’t you you pussy?
Dr.F: Yes. The treatment basically works like this. For the first month the victim is forced to listen to “More Than Words” by Extreme for 10 hours a day via headphones which are stitched onto his or her skull. The stiches are taken out for the second month, when the listener is introduced to “Is This Love?” by Whitesnake and “I Remember You” by Skid Row. The third month introduces “November Rain” by Guns and Roses and “Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin. The final test is the fourth month, when repeated listenings of Iron Maiden’s Greatest Hits are ordered to make sure the recovery is complete. If there is any sign of facial seapage or SM (South Mouth) we quickly throw on Mr. Big’s 1991 album Lean Into It to ensure any further face-melting is ceased immediately.
R: I had heard that The Final Countdown by Europe was the album utilized to ensure non-facial melt.
Dr. F: It was originally but then Europe got pissed.
R: Well they are just a band, they will get over it.
Dr. F: No. The continent Europe got pissed.
R: Ahhhhhhh. So, Lieutenant Facemelter, how many faces do you expect to melt at the Casbah during this year’s Air Guitar Championships in San Diego?
LF: Well, you can't set your sights too high, but I'm gonna target the front row and hope for a full frontal face melt. We're in a smaller venue here, so we're lookin' at maybe 10-15 faces minimum.