My stepbrother is about 90% on the comedic things he sends me. Most of my other friends are a lot lower, although I must admit, most of my friends don't just forward those stupid lists and things everyone else seems to find hysterical and forward to everyone in their address book.

He sent me something from a website called "Cracked" which has a lot of humorous content. It had various pet peeves at concerts. I decided to cut and paste some of it here, with my responses as well

CRACKED: It's concert season: Time to start paying ridiculous amounts of money so you can stand next to sweaty strangers and quietly fret over how stupid you probably look trying to dance without bumping into anyone. Quite frankly, CRACKED has had just about enough of the whole thing and so we're laying down the law for performers and concert-goers alike. Here are 10 things that need to stop happening at concerts immediately, or we can't be held responsible for the consequences. THE PERFORMERS Lead Singers Do not, under any circumstance, grab the microphone with two hands and close your eyes to sing... ever. Oh, and stop dressing your hands and wrists with strings, bands, henna tattoos, rings and whatever else you're using to try to mask the fact that you aren't playing an instrument. And, stand the f--k up every once in a while. The whole cripple-with-an-inner-ear infection bit got tired when Bono was in his 20s.

JB adds: It's cool when you say something about San Diego, but name checking the city isn't necessary. We've all seen Spinal Tap, and we all know you probably just asked the roadie 10 minutes earlier which city you're even in. Now, when I saw Train, the singer talked about going into a fitness place and had a funny story. Share that stuff with us, not just a generic shout-out (and for you fans, is it really necessary to applaud that wildly? the late night shows hate when you do that as well). Now, if a musician has a song that has a line like "coming into Los Angeles..." maybe change that to "San Diego." That would at least be a tiny bit clever.

Bassists Hang out in the back, don't move around too much. If you need to talk, then talk to the drummer. No more of this primping and prancing. We want to see you showing off like we want to see some fancy moves from the referee at a football game.

JB adds: Poor bassists. They never get the love, unless they also sing (see Sting, McCartney, Claypool). Seek out a bit Kids in the Hall did involving bass players. It's hysterical.

Drummers We need you guys to start wearing sleeves, thanks. Also, The gloves; you're not bench-pressing here. How much hand protection do you need to grip a couple of sticks that are about the weight and girth of two pretzel logs?

JB adds: I always thought it made sense for them to wear sleeveless shirts, as they're probably less restrictive. Now, the buff dudes at the gym can give that a rest. We know you're muscular, so what. You look goofy. And, regarding the gloves, most of the drummers I see don't wear them.

An End to Witty Commentary As a rock star, you are constantly surrounded by people who think you sh-t velvet, and those people have probably led you to believe that you're a pretty funny guy. But here's the thing: you're not. Like, at all. If I wanted to see some a$$hole laugh at a couple of his own nonsensical stories, I'd get drunk at my dad's place. At least there'd be a good fistfight involved (JB adds: the worst part of this is when you see the bassist and drummer laughing; they've heard this story 72 times on this previous tour, and they're acting like they're hearing it for the first time).

Just remember Mick, you're going to need those hilarious anecdotes when you're trying to distract the drunk sorority girls from realizing they're having an orgy in a port-a-john with a septuagenarian.

JB adds: I don't think Mick or Keith, Meatloaf, or any ugly musician/singer really needs to worry about that. The groupies know the guys are ugly, and like them anyway. That's why all of us bitter writers, that try to come up with clever lists like that, are so dang envious!

Also, I don't think it's just rock singers. I think the microphone does that to people. The amount of weddings I've been to where a priest or rabbi makes countless jokes, and the crowd laughs like they've never heard anything funnier. Maybe it's because you are so bored, you'll take anything thrown your way. Now, the courtesy laugh for the person doing the toast is fine, as they're nervous and probably not comfortable speaking in public. But encouraging priests to continue this practice, does nobody any good.

If the singer has a somewhat interesting story, I'm all for hearing it. But I'll never forgot as an SDSU student, seeing Joe Walsh perform there. I had second row seats and was pumped. He told the funniest jokes. Well...I have seen him about 8 times since, and most of those times he's telling the same jokes (one concert was 15 years later!). Lame.

CRACKED continues with -- Now on to the real offenders: the throngs of people stupid enough to pay money to see these a--holes in the first place.

THE CONCERTGOERS No Yelling Out Song Requests Musicians have these things called set lists, and they are integral with lighting and... never mind, you're drunk. Just stop it.

JB adds: It's also funny that these fans will yell out the most popular song. Obviously (and unfortunately), Styx is going to perform "Sailing Away". You don't need to yell for that. And...do you really think the band is going to hear you from the 38th row at the Sports Arena? Note to people seeing local bands at smaller venues: no need to yell out for "more cow bell". The bit was funny when Will Ferrell and Christopher Walken did it on Saturday Night Live. It's old now. In fact, it was old a month after the skit first ran.

No Band T-Shirts Everyone knows that you're not supposed to wear the T-shirt of the band you came to see, but it's a little known fact that wearing any band T-shirt at a concert is also permissible grounds for the use of violence. We get it, you really like music and were able to find a T-shirt of an obscure band that you'd never heard of until you found the T-Shirt. Nerf Herder is a favorite of yours? Really? I know, your buddies told you it's a pretty cool shirt....

JB adds: I agree, you don't wear shirts from the band you're seeing. Although sometimes I like the move. Last night at Stan Ridgway, a woman wore a Party Ball shirt. I thought it was cool. And for a talented artist that deserves to be playing in front of thousands, but hasn't had a hit in years and is now playing for 100...it lets everyone know you were at the show in 1993. And you still have the cool shirt.

And, I think the writers of Cracked don't realize that if you're wearing a shirt with a band name, you aren't making a statement that YOU think you're cool for liking said band. Or that you're cooler than the guy next to you with the goofy Iron Maiden shirt (I actually saw Ryan Adams, that goofball rebelious dope, who somehow just married Mandy Moore...wearing a Maiden shirt as he was walking downtown a few hours before his show at Spreckles).

Wearing a band shirt is showing that you like a group, and is really no different from wearing a shirt that says "Chargers" or "Ford Mustang," or whatever else.

Do Not Make-Out at Concerts We're glad you and your on-again, off-again boyfriend/girlfriend rekindled your medium-rare romance for a night, but this isn't either of your parents' basements. Stand still, look at your stylish retro sneakers and remind yourself over and over again that your mother wasn't lying when she said you were the most unique little alterna-snowflake in the universe.

JB adds: I don't have a problem with this. I'm just not sure I see the point. I immediately think of some lame Journey concert, when the latest Steve Perry soundalike, from the latest Journey tribute band, starts crooning "Open Arms". And, the 48-year-old couple starts kissing uncontrollably, because that was the song they played at their wedding. Whatever. If it makes them happy.

Cracked continues with: And, speaking of you people with the retro sneakers... Enough With the Ironic Facial Hair See that guy? That's James Taylor. He is one of the few people who could rock a mustache and get away with it. You, ironic-facial-hair guy, are not. I know, the singer from that band you like looks cool with a handlebar mustache so you figure, why not? Or, maybe you think that making yourself brazenly ugly beats being just ordinarily ugly. The fact is that if you're the type of person who is wearing ironic facial hair to a rock concert, you do not need to be sabotaging your chances of getting laid any more than the gene pool already has.

JB adds: Nothing to add to the above. That's some funny sh-- ! Okay, wait. I do have something. I have no problem with the facial hair thing. All of us males, in our teen and early 20s, experimented with facial hair. I mean, we thought it was cool that we could now grow mustaches and beards. There's a local artist I see at a lot of clubs and galleries in town, that rocks his handlebar mustache. The problem I have with those people with the facial hair...is that they're usually the ones smoking outside the Casbah, and they have this look on their face like they're too cool for school. Enough already. You're not cool. You're smoking, you have a ripped flannel shirt, and you're looking at me like you're some rebelious stud and I'm a goofy old man. Hey...I came here to see the band. You just came to front like you're part of the scene and look cool. And to those people, I say, buy a razor.

Stop Taking Pictures With Your Cell Phones You people spend $100 to go to a concert so that you can watch the entire event on a 3-inch by 2-inch, green-lit, night-vision screen. Rather than enjoying the music, you spend your time trying to determine if that speck that looks like a glow-in-the-dark amoeba swimming around in a cloudy bucket of piss is Bono or the Edge. We're going to take a wild guess and say that you are the same people, who as parents, will spend your entire family vacations taking pictures rather than taking a vacation. You'll be too busy making your kids look like they're enjoying themselves when you say "cheese" to ever enjoy your kids. All of that is fine and good. We don't mind that your children will grow to hate you. If it weren't for parents like you, a lot of great angry rock music would never have existed. But once you start ruining the very concerts you helped create, we draw the line.

JB adds: That was a nice conclusion, especially the part about how a lot of great angry rock music would've never existed.

I've never had a problem with the photographers, though. What bothers me is when they do it non-stop and that's only a few people.

I met a guy at the Yes concert at Humphrey's, who told me he asked people behind him to be quiet. I was on his side, as I hate talkers. Then he told me that he asked them to be quiet because he was recording the show (ie "bootlegging"). And that made the people talk and mock him even more.

I was once at an Eric Clapton concert my friend was recording. He wanted to tell the guy beside him to be quiet, but the guy wasn't doing anything bad. He'd occasionally ask his wife if she wanted a beer. He might occasionally yell out for "Layla" (see the set-list portion of this blog, sir). You can't tell people to be quiet because you want an illegal, better recording of a show. But you can, if it keeps you from enjoying the songs you're trying to hear (and it's an acoustic show). When Clapton is jamming through a Marshall stack, with local Nathan East on bass, and some drummer pounding away...you're going to sound stupid telling someone to be quiet.

I will say, one last thing regarding cameras. Some venues won't let you bring them into the show. The bouncer will claim that it's the clubs policy. At the Casbah, they've told me each band is different. Depending on what they say, they'll enforce.

So, I'll sometimes take my camera back to the car (hoping nobody is going to see and break in)...and then a bunch of yahoos are using their cell phones to take pictures. Either the bouncers need to confiscate cell phones or not let them be brought in, or let every other camera go.

Of course, if cell phones aren't allowed in, what will the geek do that calls his friend and says "Dude...I can't believe you aren't here for this REM show. This is the best show ever. Listen...they're doing Superman right now..."

As he holds the cell phone up high, thinking his friend is even hearing anything other than a lot of noise.