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Detour for Desserts (I hate cupcakes)

I guess I should clarify the title. I actually love cupcakes. What's not to love?

What I hate are these places that sell fancy cupcakes.

It all started six months ago. My mom made cupcakes with coconut on the top. My girlfriend went nuts over them, and she told me how cupcakes are her favorite thing in the world.

When we were in L.A., she whipped out this two page sheet of directions for some cupcake place that some famous celebrity opened up. I think it was called Sprinkles.

The cupcakes were four or five bucks a pop. And, we bought about 20. And we were disappointed.

A few of the flavors I didn't even like. The ones I liked were okay, but not great.

When we were going to a friends place downtown, again, a sheet of directions pop up. There apparently was a cafe/bakery nearby that had "specialty" cupcakes.

They ran out of chocolate, and I asked if the white frosting was butter cream. I hate the whipped cream frostings, or the cream cheese ones. The guy said they were vanilla, butter cream frosting.

They weren't. It was some cream cheese crap.

That friend laughed at our detour for dessert, and gave my girl a gift certificate to another place downtown called Heavenly Cupcakes.

They had a funny sign out front about it being a cupcake lounge or something.

She runs in and picks up four cupcakes. And the chocolate frosting on one was great. But the yellow cake tasted like corn bread, which I hate.

And it got me thinking...why do cupcake places suck?

Some joint opened up, I believe in Point Loma, that sells square cupcakes. I had suggested we try it, but my girlfriend seemed reluctant. I think she thought the idea of square cupcakes was weird; kind of like how I get freaked out by the square hamburgers at Wendy's.

We were at a party and the square cupcake place had lots of cupcakes and they looked amazing. But we left before we got to try one.

Some of my friends have kids that have an event at their elementary school. Another guy I play racquetball with, has a fundraiser at his church. I'll sometimes go there and help him cook the burgers, or I'll go and buy stuff in the bake sale. And the cupcakes NEVER disappoint. They have that flavor that...well, they're like the ones a mom would bring into your 3rd grade class when it was Little Johnnies birthday.

Why do those taste so much better? Is it the Duncan Hines or Betty Crocker frosting? Is it the cheap cake?

I dunno. I've often told people I have the palate of a 10-year-old. Maybe that's why these fancy cupcake places just don't do it for me.

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Two poems by Marvin Bell

“To Dorothy” and “The Self and the Mulberry”

I guess I should clarify the title. I actually love cupcakes. What's not to love?

What I hate are these places that sell fancy cupcakes.

It all started six months ago. My mom made cupcakes with coconut on the top. My girlfriend went nuts over them, and she told me how cupcakes are her favorite thing in the world.

When we were in L.A., she whipped out this two page sheet of directions for some cupcake place that some famous celebrity opened up. I think it was called Sprinkles.

The cupcakes were four or five bucks a pop. And, we bought about 20. And we were disappointed.

A few of the flavors I didn't even like. The ones I liked were okay, but not great.

When we were going to a friends place downtown, again, a sheet of directions pop up. There apparently was a cafe/bakery nearby that had "specialty" cupcakes.

They ran out of chocolate, and I asked if the white frosting was butter cream. I hate the whipped cream frostings, or the cream cheese ones. The guy said they were vanilla, butter cream frosting.

They weren't. It was some cream cheese crap.

That friend laughed at our detour for dessert, and gave my girl a gift certificate to another place downtown called Heavenly Cupcakes.

They had a funny sign out front about it being a cupcake lounge or something.

She runs in and picks up four cupcakes. And the chocolate frosting on one was great. But the yellow cake tasted like corn bread, which I hate.

And it got me thinking...why do cupcake places suck?

Some joint opened up, I believe in Point Loma, that sells square cupcakes. I had suggested we try it, but my girlfriend seemed reluctant. I think she thought the idea of square cupcakes was weird; kind of like how I get freaked out by the square hamburgers at Wendy's.

We were at a party and the square cupcake place had lots of cupcakes and they looked amazing. But we left before we got to try one.

Some of my friends have kids that have an event at their elementary school. Another guy I play racquetball with, has a fundraiser at his church. I'll sometimes go there and help him cook the burgers, or I'll go and buy stuff in the bake sale. And the cupcakes NEVER disappoint. They have that flavor that...well, they're like the ones a mom would bring into your 3rd grade class when it was Little Johnnies birthday.

Why do those taste so much better? Is it the Duncan Hines or Betty Crocker frosting? Is it the cheap cake?

I dunno. I've often told people I have the palate of a 10-year-old. Maybe that's why these fancy cupcake places just don't do it for me.

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Apple and Brown Butter Cake

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