Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

Review: Ted

The first thing one notices about Ted is the flat TV lighting. There's not a shadow as far as the eye can't see. It's the anti-3D: instead of paying a $4.00 surcharge for stereoscopic glasses, theatres should lop a few bucks off the ticket price due to depth impairment.

The similarities don't stop there. Ted contains about 10 minutes worth of laughs, a pretty good ratio were it a half-hour sitcom, not a 105 minute feature.

http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2012/jul/02/27169/

Ted (voiced by writer/director Seth MacFarlane) was immaculately conceived on Christmas Day, 1983. (The stuffed bear's owner, John, made a wish that the two become best friends forever.) The most appealing portion of the film is the 5 minutes dedicated to America's reaction to the phenomenon of a walking, talking, and fully-reasoning plush toy. Watching Ted zing Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show is the film's crowning digital achievement. Were it up to me, Ted and Johnny would never have grow up (and Joe Dante would be calling the shots).

Ted's star plummets. Once his 15 minutes of fame pass, Ted matures into a scruffy Boston bear who parties harder than his Kennedy namesake. The adult John is played by a woefully miscast Mark Wahlberg. John is an insecure, substance abusing doof incapable of putting his childhood behind him. Wahlberg is a terrific actor, but this is a role for Paul Dano or even Jonah Hill, not a chiseled slab of Hollywood beef who oozes confidence and charm. Wahlberg is as incapable of playing an emotionally stunted nerd as DeNiro was playing dumb in Stanley and Iris.

All John needs is one error-free month at the car rental company and he will be bumped up to branch manager. As if that situation were not enough to add needless conflict to the mix, there's John's galpal, Lori, whose co-workers insist throw down a "Ted or me" ultimatum. What insecure 33-year-old teddy bear-bearer is going to land a grounded career woman like Lori, especially when she's played by comely Mila Kunis, the girl with the swimming pool eyes?

The novelty of watching a computer generated toy working blue wears off at around the 30 minute mark. All that's left is skit comedy, a chase sequence, and a fresh fart joke involving Joel McHale that, to MacFarlane's credit, made me laugh. Considering his penchant for inane pop culture references, MacFarlane proves to be a Tarantino without a cause, throwing in slams against everything from Flash Gordon's Sam Jones to the theme from Octopussy. Several of the topical mentions are so obscure as to date the film before it hits home video.

MacFarlane may talk a dirty game, but when it comes to showing his hand, the bad boy goes "all in" with a pair of Hollywood conventions. Does a film about a 33-year-old substance-abusing slob and his animatronic knickknack really need a formulaic romance? But wait, there's more! A clumsily planted subplot -- Giovanni Ribisi as a covetous father wanting to kidnap Ted ostensibly as a gift for his slovenly son -- pads out the third act.

Critics with memories that stretch beyond 2005 are calling this a modern day Harvey. Jimmy Stewart starred as cuddly lush Elwood P. Dowd, a man so haunted by delirium tremens he imagined his best friend was a 6-foot rabbit. Adorable alkie Elwood is the only one before whom the bunny materializes. In MacFarlane's update everyone sees Ted.

A first-reel logjam of references to E.T., Raiders, and Jurassic Park indicated MacFarlane was about to score major points by taking a dump in Spielbergia. If anything, he waters Steve's lawn with a urine-scented drizzle of indebtedness. Ted isn't patterned after an invisible bunny named Harvey. He's Dirty E.T., a cursing CG sock that MacFarlane ultimately employs (just like his idol) as a pathetic means of eliciting pathos.

Reader Rating: One Star

Click for Showtimes.

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all

Previous article

Syrian treat maker Hakmi Sweets makes Dubai chocolate bars

Look for the counter shop inside a Mediterranean grill in El Cajon
Next Article

Pie pleasure at Queenstown Public House

A taste of New Zealand brings back happy memories

The first thing one notices about Ted is the flat TV lighting. There's not a shadow as far as the eye can't see. It's the anti-3D: instead of paying a $4.00 surcharge for stereoscopic glasses, theatres should lop a few bucks off the ticket price due to depth impairment.

The similarities don't stop there. Ted contains about 10 minutes worth of laughs, a pretty good ratio were it a half-hour sitcom, not a 105 minute feature.

http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2012/jul/02/27169/

Ted (voiced by writer/director Seth MacFarlane) was immaculately conceived on Christmas Day, 1983. (The stuffed bear's owner, John, made a wish that the two become best friends forever.) The most appealing portion of the film is the 5 minutes dedicated to America's reaction to the phenomenon of a walking, talking, and fully-reasoning plush toy. Watching Ted zing Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show is the film's crowning digital achievement. Were it up to me, Ted and Johnny would never have grow up (and Joe Dante would be calling the shots).

Ted's star plummets. Once his 15 minutes of fame pass, Ted matures into a scruffy Boston bear who parties harder than his Kennedy namesake. The adult John is played by a woefully miscast Mark Wahlberg. John is an insecure, substance abusing doof incapable of putting his childhood behind him. Wahlberg is a terrific actor, but this is a role for Paul Dano or even Jonah Hill, not a chiseled slab of Hollywood beef who oozes confidence and charm. Wahlberg is as incapable of playing an emotionally stunted nerd as DeNiro was playing dumb in Stanley and Iris.

All John needs is one error-free month at the car rental company and he will be bumped up to branch manager. As if that situation were not enough to add needless conflict to the mix, there's John's galpal, Lori, whose co-workers insist throw down a "Ted or me" ultimatum. What insecure 33-year-old teddy bear-bearer is going to land a grounded career woman like Lori, especially when she's played by comely Mila Kunis, the girl with the swimming pool eyes?

The novelty of watching a computer generated toy working blue wears off at around the 30 minute mark. All that's left is skit comedy, a chase sequence, and a fresh fart joke involving Joel McHale that, to MacFarlane's credit, made me laugh. Considering his penchant for inane pop culture references, MacFarlane proves to be a Tarantino without a cause, throwing in slams against everything from Flash Gordon's Sam Jones to the theme from Octopussy. Several of the topical mentions are so obscure as to date the film before it hits home video.

MacFarlane may talk a dirty game, but when it comes to showing his hand, the bad boy goes "all in" with a pair of Hollywood conventions. Does a film about a 33-year-old substance-abusing slob and his animatronic knickknack really need a formulaic romance? But wait, there's more! A clumsily planted subplot -- Giovanni Ribisi as a covetous father wanting to kidnap Ted ostensibly as a gift for his slovenly son -- pads out the third act.

Critics with memories that stretch beyond 2005 are calling this a modern day Harvey. Jimmy Stewart starred as cuddly lush Elwood P. Dowd, a man so haunted by delirium tremens he imagined his best friend was a 6-foot rabbit. Adorable alkie Elwood is the only one before whom the bunny materializes. In MacFarlane's update everyone sees Ted.

A first-reel logjam of references to E.T., Raiders, and Jurassic Park indicated MacFarlane was about to score major points by taking a dump in Spielbergia. If anything, he waters Steve's lawn with a urine-scented drizzle of indebtedness. Ted isn't patterned after an invisible bunny named Harvey. He's Dirty E.T., a cursing CG sock that MacFarlane ultimately employs (just like his idol) as a pathetic means of eliciting pathos.

Reader Rating: One Star

Click for Showtimes.

Sponsored
Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

Bud, the Bickle We Knew!

Next Article

Here Is - Super 8

Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Drinks All Around — Bartenders' drink recipes Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories Fishing Report — What’s getting hooked from ship and shore From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town The Gonzo Report — Making the musical scene, or at least reporting from it Letters — Our inbox Movies@Home — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Outdoors — Weekly changes in flora and fauna Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Street Style — San Diego streets have style Surf Diego — Real stories from those braving the waves Theater — On stage in San Diego this week Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close

Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

This Week’s Reader This Week’s Reader