SDSU "Retires" Zuma Mascot
"Kid-Friendly" Jaguar Mascot Has Still-Beating Heart Pulled from Chest and Eaten by Official Mascot Aztec Warrior, And Is Then Flayed and Skinned, His Bones and Flesh Left for the Vultures, His Skin Spread Out As Sideline Resting Place for the …
N-Cups
In Wake of Shutdown, San Onofre Nuclear Generator Station Installs Radiation-Resistant Covers on Containment Vessels SONGS Plant Manager: "As the station ages, of course some parts are going to require a little additional support." http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2012/mar/29/21829/
Anonymous Takes Credit for Lifted Lorax Statue
http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2012/mar/28/21751/ LA JOLLA - Authorities made a breakthrough today in their search for the thieves who stole the Lorax statue from in front of Dr. Seuss widow Audrey Geisel's luxurious oceanfront home. "Whoever took the statue left a weird sort …
View from the Campaign Trail: Bonnie "Mommie" Dumanis
How 2012 mayoral candidate Bonnie Dumanis sees her opposiiton: http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2012/mar/27/21653/ Carl "Goo Goo" DeMaio thinks everyone will like him after he shows them how the city's sausage gets made. Transparency - adorable! http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2012/mar/27/21654/ With Jessica's Law, Nathan "Ga Ga" Fletcher …
View from the Campaign Trail: Bob "the Democrat" Filner
How 2012 mayoral candidate Bob Filner sees his opponents: Republican fat-cats, every one. http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2012/mar/23/21407/ Nathan "Laser Cat" Fletcher knows he can count on the military-industrial-laser cat complex for his next meal. http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2012/mar/23/21409/ Carl "Morris" DeMaio has enough money for all …
City Orders Removal of Quetzalcoatl Mural from Balboa Park's Centro Cultural de la Raza
Office of Parks and Recreation Rules that Mural of Feathered Snake God and Fertility Goddess Violates California Constitution's No Preference Clause "The jury's still out on the Egyptian gods on the side of the World Beat Center." http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2012/mar/22/21335/ It started …
Dalai Lama to San Diego: "You Are Not Worthy"
Spiritual Leader of Tibet Cancels San Diego Appearances After Learning of "Grossly Exploitative" Prices for Scalped Tickets "Did not one of you heed the message of The Lorax?" http://sandiegoreader.com/users/photos/2012/mar/22/21334/ His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama today announced that he was …
View from the Campaign Trail: Carl "The Cleaner" DeMaio
How 2012 San Diego Mayoral Candidate Carl DeMaio sees his opponents: From Left: Nathan "Captain Midnight" Fletcher, backroom operator behind the CCDC switcheroo; Bonnie "Winking Justice" Dumanis, always ready to let the blindfold slip; Bob "Toady" Filner, who never met …
Schmart
Three More San Diego Unified Port District Public Art Committee Members Resign Over "Sentimental, Derivative" Statue Depicting Sailor's Homecoming "Why didn't anyone tell us this travesty has been here since 1998? We would have resigned ages ago!" CORNER OF HARBOR …
Invisible Children Founder Attempts to Make Invisible Children with Invisible Woman
Charity Co-Founder Jason Russell Detained by Police in Pacific Beach Officer: "Let's just call it masturbating in public, okay? The guy needs help."
Local AA Groups Plan for St. Patrick's Day
Alcoholism-Management Program Plans to Observe Nation's Drunkest Holiday "In Its Own Way." "Sponsor me, I'm Irish" buttons hot sellers. CHURCH BASEMENT, DOWNTOWN - "For many people," says Brad, an alcoholic, "St. Patrick's Day is a day for celebrating one's Irish …
Af-GAS-istan
Secretary of Defense to Pendleton Marines in Stationed in Afghanistan: "We'd Like to Bring All of You Home This Summer, But Gas is Slated to Hit $5 A Gallon By July." "It is crucial that we conduct the troop drawdown …
View from the Campaign Trail: Nathan "G.I." Fletcher
How 2012 San Diego Mayoral Candidate Nathan Fletcher sees his opponents: From left to right: Bonnie "Baroness" Dumanis, a ruthless enforcer, ready to break the law in the name of justice. Carl "Commander" DeMaio, a megalomaniac obsessed with the destruction …
"Forget It Jake, It's Metropolitan."
Local Private Eye Claims to Have Uncovered Shadow Government Tied to Water Management District "Behind every great fortune there is a great crime." "It started as a standard snoop job," recalls Kearny Mesa-based private investigator Jake Gittes. "Some slobs from …
iPadding
Fashion Valley Apple Store Strains to Generate Buzz for New iPad. "It's not an old and tired slogan. It's a classic, magical slogan."
Mayor Time!
Filner, De Maio, Dumanis, and Fletcher Reveal Common Goal for San Diego: "For it to be ruled over by me."
Game Changer
Padres Report: Andrew Cashner's Bionic Arm Has Promising First Outing Against Mariners "Recovery From Last Season's Rotator Cuff Injury" Revealed to Be "Acclimation to Turbo-Charged Biotech Pitching Cannon" Pitching Coach Darin Ballsy: "If the organic parts of him hold up, …
Oopsie!
Opposing Pitchers Defend Frequent Hit-By-Pitch Incidents Against Camouflaged Padres "We can't miss what we can't see!" Padres third baseman Oscar Salazar grimaces after being struck in ribs by fastball from Kansas City Royals pitcher Luke Hochevar. "I never even seen …
The Old Hidden Ball(player) Trick
Padres Opponents Cry Foul Over Camouflage Uniforms "We can't beat what we can't see!" Padres outfielder Jeremy Hermida (left) congratulates catcher Nick Hundley after the glacially slow Hundley successfully steals home during a spring-training game against the Kansas City Royal. …
Sheriffs Warn Against New Extreme Sport: Murder-Suiciding
Officials Say That Amateur Copycats Often Botch Attempts, With Serious Injuries as Result "Done correctly, it's literally the ultimate thrill. There's nothing after that is ever going to compare - mostly because there's nothing after." "It's hard to say when …
Urban Pastoral
San Diego City Council Approves Backyard Goats http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UgqGuE2Zj74
Urban Chickens
San Diego City Council Approves Backyard Chickens Within City Limits http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_2_EJogf2A
Not the Bees!
Nicolas Cage reacts to City Council's Decision to Allow Backyard Bees http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4MqTCIDKhU
Mexican Ex-President Proposes Drug Snak-Paks for American Middle Schoolers
Vicente Fox Addresses Coronado Middle School Students, Says "Responsible Consumption" Is Only Solution to International Drug Violence Lunchable-Style Packages Would Contain Individual Pouches of Pot, Meth, Coke, and Heroin, Diluted to Make Them "Suitable for Juvenile Consumption." "Drug use is …
"Why Doesn't Anyone Believe Us?"
City Official Issues Strongly Worded Whine About Media's Lack of Credulousness San Diego Chief Operating Officer Jay Goldbrick: "The city's budget really is balanced. In fact, tough financial decisions, combined with smart management practices, have allowed us to pass a …