Reader Writer Inspires Local Biotech Firm to Create Man-Pig Chimera
John Brizzolara's Awed Envy Over 30-Minute Porcine Orgasm Sends Embryo-Fiddlers Into Fevered Frenzy of Frankensteining "We figure that most men are pigs already, so most people won't complain. Especially not the orgasmic man-pigs." STARING AT THE CEILING, AWASH IN A …
Gaga Gone Wrong!
San Diego Model in Stable Condition After Mass Pigeon Attack on Dress Made from Cranberries. Hindsight Commissioner: "It's common sense: you don't wear a meat bikini at a dog show, and you don't wear a cranberry dress in a city …
San Diego Airport to Replace "Smarte Carts" with "Prison Porters"
Plan Would Ease Stress on Overcrowded County Prisons, Also Ease Stress on Overburdened Airline Passengers "We think people will appreciate 'That human touch.'" NERVOUSLY CLUTCHING CARRY-ON, SAN DIEGO AIRPORT - Ever since California's move last spring to transfer thousands of …
Netflix Spinoff Qwikster Pays $20 Million for Naming Rights to New Central Library
DVD Delivery Arm of Popular Movie Service Seeks Needed Public Relations Boost; San Diego Library System Seeks Needed Cash Money "'Qwikster Central' - well, it sounds better than just 'Qwikster,' I guess." GAZING WITH CAUTIOUS HOPE AT THE NAKED REBAR …
In Celebration of Repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell, Waterfront's "Unconditional Surrender" Statue to be Replaced by "Hey, Sailor."
On August 14, 1945, New York City exploded into celebration over V-J day and the end of the Second World War. One particularly exuberant sailor, recalled photographer Alfred Eisenstaedt, was "running along the street, grabbing any and every girl in …
CA-52 West Blocked by Elephant as La Jollans Attempt to Stop Obama's Fundraising Visit
President Obama's scheduled $5000-a-plate lunchtime fundraiser today at the La Jolla home of Elizabeth and Mason Phelps may be in jeopardy. The President's planned motorcade route, leaked last night on 4chan, was set to take him from Marine Corps Air …
GLAAD Calls Reader "San Diego's Most Gay-Friendly Alternative Weekly"
Gay-Rights Organization Singles Out Paper for Praise In Wake of SDGLN's Numerous Difficulties With San Diego CityBeat "Say what you will; the Reader never uses 'faggy' in its editorial content." SIPPING A LATTE AT THE CORNER TABLE IN LESTAT'S ON …
Top Gun Remake to Do Away with Homoerotic Subtext, Raise Homoeroticism to Level of Text
Film to Receive Full Cooperation of San Diego-based Naval Operations As Part of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Replacement Program, "Show and Tell." "We have most definitely not lost that lovin' feeling." When the word came down that a Top Gun …
Talk to the Invisible Hand: Che Cafe Comes Face to Face with Economic Realities
Reports the Union-Tribune: "If student and volunteer operators cannot raise enough money to pay the annual insurance premium due in the spring, UCSD's iconic Ché Café, a haven for leftist politics and counterculture, will be forced to close." "Score one …
Controversy at USD: AFFIRM or DENY?
As Reader writer Dave Rice recently reported, the University of San Diego has just received $600,000 from the National Science Foundation so that it might "increase the number of female professors, particularly females of minority origin, in science, technology, engineering, …
Chargers Coach Norv Turner: "I'm The Only Trickster God This Team Needs, Thank You Very Much."
During the press conference following his team's devastating, turnover-rich loss to the New England Patriots, San Diego Chargers Coach Norv Turner took time to say that "in retrospect, backup punter and wannabe-prankster Mike Scifres' decision to grease Philip Rivers' hand …
San Diego School District Offers "Whooping Colony" Classroom for Unvaccinated Students
Plan Would Allow Unvaccinated Students to Receive Education, Impecunious District to Receive Funds "They may be unclean, but they're still human. And we're still out of money." Following last year's spike in statewide instances of the potentially deadly infection known …
Hispanic Hipsters Celebrate Mexican Dependence Day
All over San Diego this weekend, celebrations are planned to mark the anniversary of Mexican Independence Day, culminating with El Festival del Grito at the Del Mar Fairgrounds on Sunday. The festival will see performances from such Mexican musical superstars …
Chargers Coach Norv Turner Has Yet to Emerge From Mountain Retreat
Turner was last seen approaching the entrance on his knees, wearing only his headset and a Chargers-branded loincloth. Mercurial Leader Presumably Still Attempting to Discern What the Universe is Trying to Tell Him Following Twin Tragedies of Yielded Opening Kickoff …
Accused Sex Crimes Detective Responds to Sexual Harrassment Allegations
SPECIAL GUEST COLUMN: Detective Edward Fletes, accused by fellow detective Deborah Burger of creating an "intimidating and hostile work environment charged with offensive sexual comments, slurs, innuendos, emails, [and] photos" within the SDPD Sex Crimes Unit, issues a response. Fletes …
Busted: Dumanis Denies Involvement in Pines Case, Photos Tell a Different Story
District attorney and 2012 San Diego mayoral candidate Bonnie Dumanis pulled a dramatic no-show at Friday's preliminary hearing for former attorney Michael T. Pines, despite the fact that she had been subpoenaed. (Pines is accused of stalking the residents of …
If At First...
Richard Tuite Looking Forward to Reattempted Escape Before Retrial for Murder of Stephanie Crowe "I've learned my lesson - steer clear of pay phones and public places. I'd have to be crazy to make the same mistake twice." OUTSIDE THE …
Good Press Going to Philip Rivers' Head?
Head Coach Norv Turner: "Look, I know Peter King picked Philip as this year's MVP. But the bling helmet is a bit much, I think. For one thing, it makes his noggin into a sparkly target. For another, it's a …
Dressed Down
Entire Charger Girl Squad Hit with One-Game Suspension for Wearing Practice Uniforms to Opening Day Game "T-Shirts? The fans can get that at home." What Charger fans were expecting on opening day: What they got: SCOUTING FOR EMERGENCY REPLACEMENTS AT …
Red, White, and Totally Nude?
Cheetah's Gentleman's Club, eager to prevent any renewed association with the 9/11 hijackers stemming from the ten-year-anniversary of the attacks, offers free lap dances to any customer wearing red, white, and blue this Sunday. "Champagne-room VIP treatment if it actually …
Have a PLEASANT day.
La Mesa, leery about its connections to 9/11, plans PLEASANT initiative (Protect Liberty: Eye Arabs Suspiciously And Notice Terrorism) to commemorate tenth anniversary of attacks. "We're just doing our part to keep La Mesa a pleasant place in which to …
Not the Usual Sort of Fraternity-Related Blackout
SDSU Sigma Alpha Epsilon Chapter President: "In hindsight, there was probably a less disruptive way to stage our panty raid on Alpha Phi. Especially with the whole 9/11 thing in a couple of days. Our bad."
SDPD: Conduct Unsporting?
Locals Snared in Pacific Beach DUI Checkpoint Charge Entrapment "What the hell else are we supposed to do in PB?" As the Reader's Dave Rice reports, last weekend's DUI checkpoints on Ingraham and Grand yielded 51 arrests - well above …
EXCLUSIVE: God Preparing to Destroy San Diego Because of Locally Based Effort to Outlaw Male Circumcision
Almighty, Ever-Living God Enraged At Humanity's Effort to Criminalize the Outward Sign of Membership in the Chosen People, Plans Massive Earthquake as Reminder of His Supremacy "I mean, I know the Old Covenant has passed away, but still... You smell …
The Zahau Suicide Ruling: A Dangerous Precedent?
In Bizarre Legal Reversal, Vista Man Who Doused Ex-Wife with Gasoline and Attempted to Set Her on Fire Is Released "Actually, it was an attempted suicide." BY THE PUMPS AT A VISTA CHEVRON - Locals are still reeling over the …