Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs

Love, The Art of Apology, and The Grace of Acceptance.

Steve and I have been married for quite a while.....and as most who have married, you know there are times that can be tough, loud, angry or trying.

A friend posted on a thread of mine that "You and your husband are truly an inspiration of what marriage should be." I thought that was one of the nicest compliments anyone could ever get.....and am honored to have received such a nicety.

I thought about it and wondered what we do, that helps us get through the roughest times.....sure we love each other and have a mutual respect....but as everyone else, we have our times. We do argue.

We always say "I love you." no matter what... We don't withhold that love from each other. Love is not a convenience or a weapon...to be used on one another like a sharp edged knife. When things get to that point, it's time to think....Will this bring a positive response? Is this a valuable statement? Will it help us resolve the issue?

So we do our best not to offend and use words that are just plain foolish and unproductive.....but like most people you say things you really don't mean, and we know, that when heated, words can be volleyed back and forth, that really have no real meaning other than frustration. At which point we both tend to walk away and think before we speak.....

But on the rare occasion, that a word or frustration gets past......The one thing I have learned and the most important thing I have learned.....Is the art of the apology.

Most people, simply say "I'm Sorry." But truly, that is a state of being. You know...."I know you're sorry, now apologize." And to make matters worse....add the excuse to the mix.

I'm sorry but I was angry and I just couldn't help it......hmmmmm. Really? I'm 47, I can help it. I am responsible for my own actions....I have no strings attached to me, nor do I have someone feeding me lines to say......so I can't give that excuse.

And I certainly will not give a backhanded apology either. You know the kind." I'm sorry your feelings got hurt." Not that they are sorry for hurting your feelings, but that they got hurt...not that they said hurtful things but, well you get the picture. Placing it all on the person that was hurt.

Steve and I talked about this, many years back, and whenever we needed to say "sorry" we actually sit down and look at one another, directly, and talk with respect....even for something as little as me being a grouch in the morning.....which Steve can be assured, that is the way I wake most mornings...I will apologize.

I simply look him in the eyes and say Steve, "I want to apologize for being so grouchy towards you this morning, I was wrong. And you didn't deserve it." and he accepts graciously, without beating me up with words of condemnation....... and vice versa.....he gives me the same sincere, respectful apologies.....On occasion he has said, "I know you're tired"...to which I respond..."No excuse for the behavior." An excuse, more often than not, can nullify the apology. So I do my best not to make excuses.

(Sometimes I will throw in, "but really you do deserve it." , usually with a giant Cheshire cat grin, an equally giant hug and I love you. Which makes him smile....)

A person can say "I love you." all day, everyday....but without the balance of apologizing properly and with sincerity, all the I love yous in the world can't make a relationship work. The action of admitting where we went wrong....always helps. It's okay to be wrong. It doesn't make or break you. But it can destroy a relationship, if you can't or won't own up to it.

Every story has a beginning, middle and an ending.....so should every disagreement. It's just understanding, that once the apology is made and accepted....it's over.

We've always move forward with an affectionate touch, hug or kiss, and that lets us know that all is well.......we are not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination.....but, we do have a great respect for each other.

Even in the most difficult of times.

God Bless, J.

Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all

Previous article

Gonzo Report: Three nights of Mission Bayfest bring bliss

“This is a top-notch production.”

Steve and I have been married for quite a while.....and as most who have married, you know there are times that can be tough, loud, angry or trying.

A friend posted on a thread of mine that "You and your husband are truly an inspiration of what marriage should be." I thought that was one of the nicest compliments anyone could ever get.....and am honored to have received such a nicety.

I thought about it and wondered what we do, that helps us get through the roughest times.....sure we love each other and have a mutual respect....but as everyone else, we have our times. We do argue.

We always say "I love you." no matter what... We don't withhold that love from each other. Love is not a convenience or a weapon...to be used on one another like a sharp edged knife. When things get to that point, it's time to think....Will this bring a positive response? Is this a valuable statement? Will it help us resolve the issue?

So we do our best not to offend and use words that are just plain foolish and unproductive.....but like most people you say things you really don't mean, and we know, that when heated, words can be volleyed back and forth, that really have no real meaning other than frustration. At which point we both tend to walk away and think before we speak.....

But on the rare occasion, that a word or frustration gets past......The one thing I have learned and the most important thing I have learned.....Is the art of the apology.

Most people, simply say "I'm Sorry." But truly, that is a state of being. You know...."I know you're sorry, now apologize." And to make matters worse....add the excuse to the mix.

I'm sorry but I was angry and I just couldn't help it......hmmmmm. Really? I'm 47, I can help it. I am responsible for my own actions....I have no strings attached to me, nor do I have someone feeding me lines to say......so I can't give that excuse.

And I certainly will not give a backhanded apology either. You know the kind." I'm sorry your feelings got hurt." Not that they are sorry for hurting your feelings, but that they got hurt...not that they said hurtful things but, well you get the picture. Placing it all on the person that was hurt.

Steve and I talked about this, many years back, and whenever we needed to say "sorry" we actually sit down and look at one another, directly, and talk with respect....even for something as little as me being a grouch in the morning.....which Steve can be assured, that is the way I wake most mornings...I will apologize.

I simply look him in the eyes and say Steve, "I want to apologize for being so grouchy towards you this morning, I was wrong. And you didn't deserve it." and he accepts graciously, without beating me up with words of condemnation....... and vice versa.....he gives me the same sincere, respectful apologies.....On occasion he has said, "I know you're tired"...to which I respond..."No excuse for the behavior." An excuse, more often than not, can nullify the apology. So I do my best not to make excuses.

(Sometimes I will throw in, "but really you do deserve it." , usually with a giant Cheshire cat grin, an equally giant hug and I love you. Which makes him smile....)

A person can say "I love you." all day, everyday....but without the balance of apologizing properly and with sincerity, all the I love yous in the world can't make a relationship work. The action of admitting where we went wrong....always helps. It's okay to be wrong. It doesn't make or break you. But it can destroy a relationship, if you can't or won't own up to it.

Every story has a beginning, middle and an ending.....so should every disagreement. It's just understanding, that once the apology is made and accepted....it's over.

We've always move forward with an affectionate touch, hug or kiss, and that lets us know that all is well.......we are not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination.....but, we do have a great respect for each other.

Even in the most difficult of times.

God Bless, J.

Sponsored
Here's something you might be interested in.
Submit a free classified
or view all
Previous article

I'm So Glaad

Next Article

Ladies and Gentleman...the President of the United States of America. Or a Prankster

Ask a Hipster — Advice you didn't know you needed Big Screen — Movie commentary Blurt — Music's inside track Booze News — San Diego spirits Classical Music — Immortal beauty Classifieds — Free and easy Cover Stories — Front-page features Drinks All Around — Bartenders' drink recipes Excerpts — Literary and spiritual excerpts Feast! — Food & drink reviews Feature Stories — Local news & stories Fishing Report — What’s getting hooked from ship and shore From the Archives — Spotlight on the past Golden Dreams — Talk of the town The Gonzo Report — Making the musical scene, or at least reporting from it Letters — Our inbox Movies@Home — Local movie buffs share favorites Movie Reviews — Our critics' picks and pans Musician Interviews — Up close with local artists Neighborhood News from Stringers — Hyperlocal news News Ticker — News & politics Obermeyer — San Diego politics illustrated Outdoors — Weekly changes in flora and fauna Overheard in San Diego — Eavesdropping illustrated Poetry — The old and the new Reader Travel — Travel section built by travelers Reading — The hunt for intellectuals Roam-O-Rama — SoCal's best hiking/biking trails San Diego Beer — Inside San Diego suds SD on the QT — Almost factual news Sheep and Goats — Places of worship Special Issues — The best of Street Style — San Diego streets have style Surf Diego — Real stories from those braving the waves Theater — On stage in San Diego this week Tin Fork — Silver spoon alternative Under the Radar — Matt Potter's undercover work Unforgettable — Long-ago San Diego Unreal Estate — San Diego's priciest pads Your Week — Daily event picks
4S Ranch Allied Gardens Alpine Baja Balboa Park Bankers Hill Barrio Logan Bay Ho Bay Park Black Mountain Ranch Blossom Valley Bonita Bonsall Borrego Springs Boulevard Campo Cardiff-by-the-Sea Carlsbad Carmel Mountain Carmel Valley Chollas View Chula Vista City College City Heights Clairemont College Area Coronado CSU San Marcos Cuyamaca College Del Cerro Del Mar Descanso Downtown San Diego Eastlake East Village El Cajon Emerald Hills Encanto Encinitas Escondido Fallbrook Fletcher Hills Golden Hill Grant Hill Grantville Grossmont College Guatay Harbor Island Hillcrest Imperial Beach Imperial Valley Jacumba Jamacha-Lomita Jamul Julian Kearny Mesa Kensington La Jolla Lakeside La Mesa Lemon Grove Leucadia Liberty Station Lincoln Acres Lincoln Park Linda Vista Little Italy Logan Heights Mesa College Midway District MiraCosta College Miramar Miramar College Mira Mesa Mission Beach Mission Hills Mission Valley Mountain View Mount Hope Mount Laguna National City Nestor Normal Heights North Park Oak Park Ocean Beach Oceanside Old Town Otay Mesa Pacific Beach Pala Palomar College Palomar Mountain Paradise Hills Pauma Valley Pine Valley Point Loma Point Loma Nazarene Potrero Poway Rainbow Ramona Rancho Bernardo Rancho Penasquitos Rancho San Diego Rancho Santa Fe Rolando San Carlos San Marcos San Onofre Santa Ysabel Santee San Ysidro Scripps Ranch SDSU Serra Mesa Shelltown Shelter Island Sherman Heights Skyline Solana Beach Sorrento Valley Southcrest South Park Southwestern College Spring Valley Stockton Talmadge Temecula Tierrasanta Tijuana UCSD University City University Heights USD Valencia Park Valley Center Vista Warner Springs
Close

Anchor ads are not supported on this page.

This Week’s Reader This Week’s Reader