NO, NOT REALLY: Your daughter, shielding her face from a peeping drone (shadow in upper left corner). “Soon, this sort of thing will be a thing of the past,” says Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao. “The …

NO, NOT REALLY — Interim DA Summer Stephan: “People should rise through their chain from deputy public defender to becoming a trusted team leader and making reforms that way, rather than really what is the …

NO, NOT REALLY: What’s in a name? “Some people are calling it an act of vandalism that dishonors the memory of a champion,” says Padres General Manager B.J. Stellar. “But it’s important not to get …

NO, NOT REALLY — The Salk Institute for Biological Studies in La Jolla confirmed what everybody already knows today when it revealed that boys are genetically superior to girls. “And not just genetically,” says gene …

NO, NOT REALLY — Last February , the City of San Diego bought a defunct downtown indoor skydiving facility for $7 million. Critics were quick to criticize the move, saying that the building was totally …

NO, NOT REALLY — Hi, everybody! My name is Homer Simpson, and I’m a nuclear safety inspector at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant in [REDACTED]. Don’t let the fact that I have yellow skin and …

NO, NOT REALLY — “Remember the fuss over the decision to change ‘Christmas on the Prado’ to ‘December Nights’?” asks Sandra Heathen-Druid. “All those people upset about taking Christ out of Christmas. But from the …

NO, NOT REALLY — Kevin Whine, the new host of 97.3’s “Mo-Sho” morning show, just wanted to make a good impression upon his arrival from San Francisco. “The City had just come out with this …

NO, NOT REALLY — On March 25, President Trump tweeted that “work will start immediately” on the Great Border Wall. Few people believed him, but fewer still could have predicted that later that same day, …

[Walter Mencken stands at a podium in the basement conference room of Cheetahs Gentlemen’s Club in Kearny Mesa and addresses his audience, a group of men reclining at table.] Good evening, gentlemen! Well, men, anyway. …

Alternative Facts [The scene: the basement of Our Lady of Sorrows church, Mission Valley. A circle of chairs. A despondent array of suffering souls.] Walter Mencken: Hello, everybody. Please sit down. Welcome to Walter Mencken’s …

SCENE: The Mencken dining room, Thanksgiving. In attendance are host Walter Mencken, English novelist Evelyn Waugh, writer and critic H.L. Mencken, Pogo Possum, Roman emperor Claudius, writer and humorist James Thurber, writer and agitator Hunter …

Former Convadium Curator Wanker: “The loss to Miami featured four interceptions, including a pick-six with the score tied and a minute to play. Small wonder that McCoy, an artist and coach clearly in the throes …

Shortly before Election Day, the bulletin at Immaculate Conception Catholic Church in Old Town featured a flyer that warned, “It is a mortal sin to vote Democrat,” and that souls that died in the state …

Wanker: “In a word, heartbreaking. McCoy has at long last ventured into the realm of self-portraiture here, but it’s hardly an occasion for celebration. This is the work of a man who feels he’s coming …

According to the above flyer issued by the Chula Vista Police Department, “San Diego County’s top crimes are vehicle theft and vehicle burglary.” In Samantha Wilson’s estimation, that means “it’s safe to say that there’s …

“We got the idea from our good friends in the pornography business, actually,” says Prop 64 organizer Billy Bongwater. “Remember when all those porn sites blocked access to California IP addresses in order to raise …

“When I first heard the news about a truck dropping into Chicano Park,” says Mayor Faulconer, "I naturally assumed it was just another campaign maneuver from the Trump camp. But when I learned that the …

"The decision to endorse Hillary Clinton for President of the United States was not an easy one,” says Juarez Cartel head Vincente Carillo Fuentes. "Donald Trump has historically been friendly to those who share his …

"When I was President at POM Wonderful,” says newly installed Stone Brewing CEO Dominic Engels, “we got in trouble for claiming that POM Wonderful could help you cheat death by preventing heart disease and prostate …

Hey ladies, if you’ve been paying attention, you know that nothing’s been scarier this year than the San Diego Chargers (except maybe Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, and there’s just no way to make them …

Mira Mesa entrepreneur April Dwyer was famously a contestant on the 2004 season of The Apprentice, the reality show hosted by current Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. She made it through four episodes before getting …

Somewhere in the afterlife, former local businessman George Pernicano is twirling his famous mustache and chuckling. And while the 25-foot bronze angel that now sits atop his former restaurant in Hillcrest suggests heaven, both his …

“From the first game, I had a bad feeling about this season,” recalls Local computer whiz/DJ D. Spare, creator of the Sad Charger emoji. “When Keenan Allen went down, I knew it was a sign …

PRESS CONFERENCE OUTSIDE DEEZ NUTS NATURAL SNACK EMPORIUM, EAST VILLAGE — Just days after coming out in support of Measure C, the upcoming ballot initiative that would authorize the use of public funds — in …

Charger trainer Dr. Isaac Moreau has been a busy man this season — busier than he’d like to be. Game after game has produced injury after injury, some of them season-ending. But he’s not just …

Wanker: "The original Guernica, by the Spanish artist Pablo Picasso, is generally regarded as one of the great human outcries against the horrors of war. Created in response to the bombing of a Basque country …

For several seasons now, the San Diego art world has held its breath in anticipation, waiting to see how Chargers coach Mike McCoy would seek to differentiate his approach from the performance art antics of …

Last Tuesday, the San Diego Zoo announced that it had made the difficult decision to euthanize Ranchipur, a 50-year-old male Asian elephant who was suffering from multiple ailments associated with old age. The news was …

"Man, Achilles heels really seem to be our Achilles heel this season,” lamented Chargers coach Mike McCoy after losing his second player of the season, running back Brandon Oliver, to an injured Achilles tendon last …

Trophy Wife, one of the entrants expected to make a strong showing at this year’s Del Mar races, has been forced to withdraw from competition following a season-ending — and possibly worse — injury to …

Citing the city’s “temperate climate, numerous underpasses, beautiful public parks, and historically generous populace,” Hobo Magazine has awarded San Diego its annual “golden shopping cart,” ranking it the number-one city in the country in which …

Rantin’ Ron says, “Time is running out! We’ve already sold such popular models as Craig Kimbrel, Andrew Cashner, Melvin Upton, and Fernando Rodney, not to mention that clunker Matt Kemp! But there are still deals …

Baseball experts were not surprised when the San Diego Padres traded Matt Kemp to the Atlanta Braves: the Braves desperately needed power, and the Padres desperately needed to escape Kemp’s enormous contract and hire some …

Acquired from the Atlanta Braves in exchange for Matt Kemp, third baseman Hector Olivera is finishing up an 82-game suspension following his arrest for assaulting a woman and leaving visible bruises on her body. It’s …

“For a long time,” says Padres executionary chairman Rod Fouler, “the word around Major League Baseball was that the San Diego Padres couldn’t pay to get someone to take Matt Kemp off their hands. Giant …

Most San Diegans know about the All Lives Matter moment before July’s Major League Baseball All-Star Game at Petco Park. Remigio Pereira, a member of the Canadian Tenors, took the opportunity to alter the lyrics …

Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump was in town — well, Rancho Santa Fe — for a fundraiser on July 12, which happened to be the same day that the San Diego Police Department released Anthony …

Recently, KPBS.org ran a story documenting the complaints of investors in a never-built Baja resort that bore the Trump name and seal of approval. Besides being bitter over the way the deal went south, these …

“I guess it’s true what they say,” lamented frustrated political neophyte Donald Trump as he waited for his Uber to pick him up from The Bridges’ main clubhouse. “Being rich doesn’t necessarily make you smart …

Hillcrest Business Association Bill Nickels likes to think he is a friendly, tolerant individual. But he’s also a businessman, and as such, his tolerance has its limits. “People like me — normal, decent, hardworking Americans …

On the popular Netflix women-in-prison drama Orange is the New Black, Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” Warren is a troubled inmate who requires occasional visits to the psych ward. But in San Diego, she is the new …

Poor Monty Montezuma. For almost 30 years, the fearsome Aztec warrior and San Diego State University mascot has had to do battle not just against opposing teams, but against a steady stream of criticism regarding …

“First it was the sharp rocks along the side of the road on Imperial Avenue,” said Homeless Lives Matter spokesman Ron Vagabond from his two-person tent on Petco Park’s rolling green lawn prior to Major …

For decades, Jerry Lewis’s massively misconceived Holocaust drama, The Day the Clown Cried, has remained inaccessible to both the curious and the critical, a morbid mystery wrapped in an existential enigma: What were they thinking? …

In mid-June, the Marine Corps revealed to the public that a previously undetected broken pipeline within Camp Pendleton had dumped more than 870,000 gallons of sewage onto the base grounds over the course of three …

Members of the victorious 2016 Cavaliers basketball team do their best to ignore the gnawing emptiness tearing at their souls as they arrive in Cleveland following a thrilling seven-game NBA Finals against the Golden State …

On June 19, the Global Network of Rainbow Catholics posted an online petition at change.org to express “sorrow and solidarity with the LGBTQI community in the United States” following the horrific shooting by Muslim Omar …