Excerpt from Dr. Della Torrid’s remarks following the ritual: “I’m sure many of you gathered here today have read about the recent FBI Operation entitled Varsity Blues, which exposed the rank and venal corruption of …

By the end of April, giant pandas Bai Yun and Xiao Liwu will have left their longtime home at the San Diego Zoo and traveled back to their native China, a move that is seen …

Noted South Park cultural commentator Jessie Smoot was never that excited about his neighborhood serving as the fictional setting for a “mainstream broadcast television sitcom, even if it did boast an executive producer credit from …

When word broke that the FBI had exposed a massive college-applications bribery operation being run out of Newport Beach, observers were quick to note a surprising presence amongst the prestigious universities into which parents had …

In 2017, the state Attorney General’s office issued a report which stated that SDSU lecturer Oscar Monge used the term “white” whenever “he wishe[d] to explain someone who has done something wrong, or bad. Indeed, …

Motivational speaker Matt Foley is 35 years old and thrice-divorced. And for the past few years, he has been living in a van down by the San Diego River. “I’ve been motivating myself to be …

“Forget it, Mo, it’s Chinatown.” In a climactic scene, a drunken and distraught Maureen Stapleton confronts her superior, Water Authority Board Member Tom Kennedy, and accuses him of sleeping with Metropolitan Water District staffer Meena …

Camp Pendleton spokesmarine Buzz Spinner: “Like all Americans, we’re very glad to learn that the authorities were able to uncover and apprehend alleged domestic terrorist and US Coast Guard Lieutenant Christopher Paul Hasson before he …

“Baseball is America’s pastime,” said President Donald Trump during an exclusive interview with SD on the QT on his flight home from North Korea last week. “But when I say ‘America,’ I don’t mean ‘Central …

No houses face onto the roadway, which bisects a block. That’s an alley, right?

Last year, local tech giant Qualcomm survived a hostile takeover bid from Broadcom technologies — a company which, perhaps tellingly, had only one M in its name. Part of their strategy involved a pledge to …

“The suffering has to end,” says local homosexual Augustus Cheek of Hillcrest’s enduring homelessness crisis. “You have people sleeping in doorways, on sidewalks, in the parts of Balboa Park that used to be reserved for …

The 2006 La Mesa sword murder of Scott Martinez was colder than the cold steel of a murderous sword, despite the blood possibly belonging to the killer found on the scene. Cold, that is, until …

“It’s true that Greystar’s proposed project is 50 feet taller than anything else along the edge of the Park,” said St. Paul’s Dean, the Most Extremely Very Reverend and Remunerated Cash Munny, “and that its …

Twist-happy movie director M. Night Shyamalan is riding high these days after his 2016 horror hit Split allowed him to revisit the superhero universe he created with 2000s Unbreakable and so create this year’s successful …

“It seemed like the right thing to do,” said Mayor Faulconer about the decision to give his annual State of the City address from within the sinkhole, which opened last week on the 805’s Kearny …

“To be alive is to suffer,” says Jeff Benum, Chief Anesthetizing Officer for NarcoCorp, makers of Actiq, one of the fentanyl brands that has come under fire following a year that saw a 155% increase …

On December 29, a roughly six-month old baby giraffe named Kumi was discovered on the grounds of the San Diego Zoo Safari Park with a gore wound to his stomach. When the wound proved inoperable, …

“In 2011, there were 86.5. murders per 100,000 people in Honduras, making it one of the deadliest cities in the world,” says Mexican migrant Rafael Torres. “So naturally, when I heard that Hondurans were headed …

“We’ve learned our lesson, yes we have,” says San Onofre Nuclear Powderkeg spokesman Ray D’Ashun. “It’s true that we probably shouldn’t have bought those crummy steam generators from Mitsubishi, the ones whose failure resulted in …

‘The Baby Trump balloon was already in San Diego, thanks to the whole migrant mess,” explains Holiday Bowl Parade designer Bill Blowhard. “So we thought we might as well make use of it in the …

Some three-fourths of Americans are lonely, according to a new study released by UCSD and published in International Psychogeriatrics. That’s up from the high of 57 percent found in previous studies, the most recent of …

According to California AB 2989, which goes into effect on January 1 of 2019, “Bicycle helmets are no longer required for riders of motorized scooters who are age 18 or older.” In a possibly related …

“I could not care less about immigration,” says Xeno Pyle, a conceptual artist working out of his mother’s garage in North Park, “though I suppose some people could look at my installation ‘That’s No Lady’ …

“Has America ever seen Casablanca?” asks local film lover Roberto Azul. “Here you have a movie that is generally regarded as the second-greatest film of all time — right after Citizen Kane, which is, coincidentally, …

THE BORDER — “Well, we did it,” said Caminar Por La Cura migrant caravan organizer Susan K. Roamin. “We walked all the way from Honduras to the border between Mexico and the United States, and …

“When the Spanish came to the Americas,” says UCSD’s Dean of Re-education Manuela Gonzalez, “they were not content to bring a nightmare of slaughter, disease, pillage, and exploitation. They went further, imposing upon the people …

“San Diego VA division chief Dr. Samuel Ho crossed a line,” says whistleblower Maria Chin. “Running catheters through the necks of numerous alcoholics with deeply compromised health in order to take liver biopsies? There’s a …

E. coli looks up from the plates of a Rancho Santa Fe family gathered together to feast during the a record year for foodborne illness and realizes it has a lot to be thankful for.

Earlier this month, the San Diego Zoo’s siamang gibbon Eloise gave birth to her seventh child, despite the fact that she had been receiving chemical contraceptives for years. Even though gibbons are an endangered species, …

You guys couldn’t have waited until 2020?

In 2015, a pilot in a private plane used a GPS path-tracking device to draw a 12.4 mile penis (1) over the sky in Florida. (Length does not include testicles.) At the time, people dismissed …

Beacon or distraction? “The fundraising campaign at welcomethestranger.us claims that the monument will serve ‘as a beacon of welcome,’” says Border Patrol Investigator Travis Wahl. “But after consulting with several art critics, we’ve determined that …

Coronado fans of Tom Cruise and ‘80s blockbusters got a big thrill last week as Tom was spotted cruising around town on a motorcycle while filming scenes for Top Gun: Maverick, a sequel to the …

Last week, the family of Chargers linebacking legend Junior Seau reached a confidential settlement with the National Football League over their wrongful death lawsuit that claimed Seau’s 2012 suicide was the result of chronic traumatic …

Following revelations that he sat on a letter that testified to ex-Cardinal McCarrick’s sexual misbehavior instead of passing it along to the man whose job he hoped to one day take (Cardinal Wuerl of Washington …

“This was always the goal,” says Ofo spokes-man Sherman Fixie. “Charging people to ride our bright yellow bikes was a way to cover the cost of administration, production, and distribution. But we never planned to …

City councilman Chris Cate has proposed new regulations for the city’s massage parlors, regulations that will, in his words “provide the San Diego Police Department and City Attorney’s office with the tools needed to effectively …

SDSU SNAFU

Everything’s Under Contr-oops!

Wal-Mart Labs to open in San Diego

Bishop Bob’s Backyard Bonfire

The Art of the Steal

NO, NOT REALLY - Last January, the Hoff finally made the HoF: ace Padres reliever Trevor Hoffman, whose 601 saves are second only to Mariano Rivera, appeared on 79.9 percent of the ballots cast by …

San Diego State University President Randy Rush today addressed the ongoing controversy surrounding the former mascot for the school’s athletic competitions. While the great marority of students, faculty, and alumnae favored maintaining a human Azetc …

NO, NOT REALLY - From the judges’ comments: “San Diego is not a city known for grand idiomatic gestures, so it was a welcome surprise to see it stage an actual garbage fire in a …

NO, NOT REALLY — “Well, now we know why someone placed a fake mermaid on the rocks off Sunset Cliffs,” says San Diego Fish & Game’s head of code enforcement Howard Phillips. “She proved to …

JUST ADORABLE, REALLY — Above, Coast Guard agents in San Diego proudly display palettes of cocaine seized from a boat in international waters off the Central American coast last week. In a related image, right, …

NO, NOT REALLY — “Thanks to PornHub.com, 12-year-old kids already know about fisting, felching, scat play, trannys, grannys, Georgy Porgy Orgies, and all the rest of it,” laments concerned mother Chastity Rose (above right) as …