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Stories by Walter Mencken

Old Joe and the Border Boys

Press release from Progressive Pictures: “Old Joe and the Border Boys tells the thrilling story of 19,000 kids living in Central America who hear President Biden announce that he’s going to stop deportations for the …

Tatis Jr. suffers “Jacob’s joint” injury as punishment for his anointing as Padres’ savior

Yesterday, God Almighty called a press conference to announce that he was responsible for the shoulder injury suffered by Padres superstar Fernando Tatis, Jr., who tore his labrum at the end of a mighty swing …

City officials beg courts to declare Measure C passed so that Convention Center can expand services to migrant minors.

San Diego’s Measure C, which would have raised the city’s hotel tax in an effort to secure funds for a Convention Center expansion, came tantalizingly close to obtaining the two-thirds majority required for passage. But …

Councilman LaCava calls for redesign

“The current seal of the City of San Diego erases the history of the Indigenous People who occupied this land long before us, and glorifies the people who stole it,” says newly elected councilman Joe …

Homeless residents of Convention Center moved out in favor of Unaccompanied Minor Migrants

“Everybody knows that homelessness is the single greatest humanitarian crisis facing the city of San Diego,” says Mayor Todd Gloria. “But some crises are bigger than just one city. Some crises are national in scope. …

Biden Administration begins Operation Staycation in effort to convince would-be migrants to remain in-country.

“The President of the United States believes that families are the bedrock of a healthy society,” says Sam Turnback, head of the Biden Administration’s Operation Staycation. “That may seem obvious, but when you hear that …

UCSD torches library and its contents in atonement for years spent honoring hateful author

Once, Sylvia Burner was head librarian at UCSD’s Geisel Library — the campus’s signature building, named for La Jolla’s most famous citizen, beloved children’s author Ted Geisel, aka Dr. Seuss. Once, she paused every morning …

San Diego renamed after Mayor in wake of Junipero Serra High renaming

“I believe the children are the future,” says onetime San Diego Mayor Todd Gloria. “They can carry us to a brighter tomorrow, if only we have the courage to let them. So when the students …

Gavin Newsom: A Governer we can all get behind... and push out of office

[Paid political advertisement] Today, Former San Diego Mayor and would-be replacement governor Kevin Faulconer unveiled his first campaign poster, an attack ad on beleaguered governor Gavin Newsom that doesn’t even mention Faulconer’s name. “I have …

Fernando Tatis, Jr. puts aside “childish things” like World Series rings, signs lucrative 14-year contract with Padres

Recently, Padres superstar Fernando Tatis, Jr. signed a 14-year, $340 million contract with the San Diego Padres. It was the longest contract ever signed, as well as the third-richest, and the most certain to keep …

Mayor Gloria opens vacant schools to local homeless community

“It’s no secret that San Diego is facing a serious financial shortfall,” says San Diego Mayor Todd Gloria. “With tourism reduced to almost nothing thanks to covid, we’re just not getting the tax revenue we …

Hillcrest vandalism being investigated as rare gay-on-black hate crime

On January 25, worshippers at the University Christian Church in Hillcrest discovered that the night previous, someone had spattered paint on the Black Lives Matter sign adorning their building, as well as two of the …

God declares Himself unimpressed with Chula Vista Church’s role in Supreme Court decision to re-open churches for indoor worship.

Two weeks ago, the Supreme Court ruled that California could no longer ban indoor worship service, thanks in no small part to the lawsuit filed against the state by Chula Vista’s South Bay United Pentecostal …

Biden’s Border Backtrack

Already under fire for his failure alleviate a situation in which, as White House press secretary Jen Psaki told reporters last week, “the vast majority” of individuals seeking to enter the United States from Mexico …

First batch of female Marine recruits arrive at Camp Pendleton for training

Just kidding. These are actually all trans women, eager to take advantage of President Biden’s reversal of Trump’s transgender ban for the military. Just kidding. These are all cis het drag queens, eager to take …

City Health Department addresses vaccine hesitancy among black community with cool representative superhero

Recent surveys have indicated that while roughly 20% of the White, Hispanic, and Asian communities would not take the covid-19 vaccine even if it were available to them, nearly 40% of the Black community would …

Governor replaces Stay-at-Home order with Stay-in-Office order

Last Monday, California Governor Gavin Newsom surprised many by lifting the stay-at-home order that had shuttered many restaurants and restricted other business and activity throughout much of the state. “Yessir, it’s Newsom’s new deal,” said …

After covid-19 is detected among residents of San Diego Safari Park, prudent primates practice positive peer pressure

Safari Park gorillas keep their distance from Maga, the only member of the troop who refuses to wear a mask.

Fletcher’s Founding Framework

In a brave, bold move that will no doubt serve as inspiration to many of his fellow whites, Nathan Fletcher today announced his intention to relinquish his position as a newly elected county supervisor to …

Slain Capitol protestor honored by community for championing counterculture

“Ocean Beach has a long, proud history of political protest, peaceful and otherwise,” says Fred Hippy, publisher of the OB Fishwrap. “We threw rocks at cops during the Easter and Labor Day riots of 1968. …

2020 in hindsight

Disclaimer: None of this ever really happened.But then, La Mesa did burn on national television…O’Brien: Ah, Mr. Mencken. San Diego Reader, SD on the QT: Almost Factual News, isn’t it? Come in, sit down.Walter Mencken: …

CDC pleads with San Diegans not to take advantage of incredible deals on covid-19 vaccine - with no waiting!

“Look, everybody knows that Big Pharma is a scam,” says Ronald Pillpopper, an Imperial Beach resident who has traveled to Tijuana to get his coronavirus vaccine “without having to go through all the hassle and …

BSA retires top badge just in time to welcome first non-boy recipients

Nineteen-year-old Andru Gynous of BSA Troop 1435 out of Poway’s Oddfellows Hall is having a special 2020: they have achieved the double honor of being among the first Scouts not identifying as male to receive …

Newly confirmed Catholic Supreme Court Justice authors opinion affirming right of San Diego strip clubs to remain open despite pandemic

There will be no midnight Masses this Christmas Eve in California, thanks to the curfew imposed by the governor’s stay-at-home order, imposed in an effort to stop the rapid proliferation of covid-19. And there will …

USS Bonhomme Richard to be repurposed as dive-in museum of recent Naval history

“People love visiting the Midway Museum, and why not?” asks Navy spokeswab James Portside. “It rightly celebrates our Navy’s great achievements. But as the recent burning of the Bonhomme Richard makes clear, our recent past …

Confirmed report of Mayor Faulconer eating solitary Thanksgiving meal propels him to front-runner status for California governor

“Honestly, it started as a joke,” says Mayor Faulconer of his solitary, microwaved repast on Thanksgiving day. “After Governor Newsom went to that big party at the French Laundry, then fudged about it being an …

Bishop McElroy stresses need for cooperation with Catholic president-elect, despite differences

The Catholic Church teaches that abortion is “gravely contrary to the moral law,” that formal cooperation in an abortion results in excommunication, and that “the law must provide appropriate penal sanctions for every deliberate violation …

San Diego deemed perfect setting for season two of Disney+ quasi-hit

Last week, the California Film Commission announced that Disney+’s The Right Stuff, an adaptation of the Tom Wolfe novel about the American space program, would be filming its second season in San Diego, thus allowing …

Mayor Faulconer cancels Thanksgiving holiday for San Diego

“I don’t see why anybody should complain,” said Mayor Faulconer at yesterday’s press conference in which he declared Thanksgiving officially canceled for the city of San Diego. “You’re not allowed to gather, anyway. If you …

Amazon’s Bezos gives Institute $30 million to find “cure” for ailing climate

Last week, Amazon overlord Jeff Bezos announced the first winners in his $10 billion climate change giveaway; among them was La Jolla’s own Salk Institute, the recipient of $30 million in recognition of its potential …

Shuttered Universal Studios Theme Park partners with Sea World for exciting new live show

“Naturally, we were saddened when we had to report an 80-percent drop in attendance over our third quarter and a $370 million decline in revenue,” says Sea World Director of Attractions Gary Gore. I never …

Legoland prepares new exhibit for eventual re-opening

“Some people say that Lego should stay away from such difficult subjects as mostly peaceful protests and their effect on the great American cities represented in miniature at Legoland California,” says park spokesman Chaz Chop. …

California brings in Barney the Dinosaur to “ease people’s fears about purple tiers”

The news that San Diego County had reported enough new cases of covid-19 to be relegated from the red “substantial” tier to the purple “widespread” tier was welcomed by all right-thinking San Diegans, eager to …

Following outcry, Horton Plaza’s statue of Mayor/Governor/Senator Pete Wilson joins Portland’s Lincoln and NYC’s Teddy Roosevelt in storage.

Following outcry, Horton Plaza’s statue of Mayor/Governor/Senator Pete Wilson joins Portland’s Lincoln and NYC’s Teddy Roosevelt in storage.

Strippers Stripped of Right to Strip

“Do you read Medscape?” asks Lacey Garter, a stripper who normally works weekday lunches at Cheetah’s Gentleman’s Club, but who is today standing outside in the brisk October air, completely naked except for her cowboy …

San Diego Unified announces plan to judge winners of athletic contests based on “mastery” instead of scores

On February 28, the San Ysidro boys basketball team defeated Coronado 71-59 to win the Division III CIF Championship. For San Ysidro, it was an occasion to celebrate. For Rachel Justice, San Diego Unified School …

Navy issues redesign for Seal Team 7 patch following yet another incident

Seal Team Seven member Special Warfare Operator First Class Adel Enayat has been charged with sexual assault in San Diego following an alcohol-related incident at a 2019 Fourth of July party in Iraq with a …

Padres vs Il Padre

Following the Padres heartbreaking loss to the Dodgers, the team’s Swinging Friar fell to his knees, lifted his eyes to the heavens, and cried in a loud voice, “Eloi, eloi, lama sabachthani? My God, my …

La Mesa proposes alternate location for homeless after hotel conversion proposal fizzles

On September 22, the County withdrew its proposal to convert a shuttered La Mesa Holiday Inn into housing for the homeless. John White, who serves as Director of Pleasantness for the East County enclave, had …

Mayor Faulconer defends placing giant bulls-eye on building in flight path.

Yesterday, Mayor Faulconer spoke at the unveiling of a huge Target logo on the facade of Toxic Tower, aka 101 Ash Street. “Unfortunately,” he said, “the City of San Diego can’t use the inside what …

Black Lives Matter proposes City designate 101 Ash Street a White Supremacist monument

Statement from San Diego’s chapter of Black Lives Matter concerning 101 Ash Street: “White people are forever arguing that we should leave Confederate statues and other racist monuments in place so that we can remember …

Who stole your iPod, FM94's Mike Esparza, Hell's Angels, our Russian yacht, Seaworld sharks, why they leave San Diego

Roman Abramovich Yacht on San Diego’s Embarcadero Two helicopter pads, pool, spa, hot tub... It was borrowed by Madonna back in 2010 (according to Luxist.com), when she was filming her movie about the Duke of …

September 19, 2020
Nature joins antifa, burns large swaths of California in protest

Nature: “I mean, from my perspective, no particular individual lives of any kind really matter. But life itself? That matters. And the planet is growing increasingly uninhabitable for, you know, living things. It’s time for …

Padres continue defiance of baseball’s unwritten rules, sparking concerns among MLB brass

BREAKING: SD on the QT has spoken with a senior Major League Baseball official regarding the “profound unease” that the Padres have created. Said the official, “Look, baseball is essentially dull in comparison to other …

Playboy.com rates SDSU worst party school in the nation after it narcs on Sturgis

Playboy magazine may be history, but its website is still active, and last week, the brand used its longstanding reputation as the nation’s official arbiter of party hardiness to issue a simply epic beatdown on …

Protestors accuse Trump Boat Parade of trading in racist stereotypes

“Nearly 70% of Black children cannot swim,” says Sharon Bleat, head of San Diego’s Grievance Brigade. “And they drown at a rate three times higher than that of white children. So when a bunch of …

Denny’s adds new Slam to breakfast menu in honor of Padres historic performance

Denny’s Chief Breakfast Officer Roger Bacon: “Congratulations to the San Diego Padres for becoming the first team in baseball history to hit five grand slams in six games. We only wish there were some fans …

Berto Blockers

“The recent death of Dolores Robledo, who founded San Diego’s legendary Roberto’s Taco Shop chain with her husband Roberto in the ‘60s, was a somber moment for San Diego’s Mexican food community, and for the …

City’s Cancel Culture Committee uncertain how to proceed in case of Jungle Fever plant store

“This is a tough one,” says Natasha Trigger-Warning, chairperson of San Diego’s newly formed Cancel Culture Committee. “Obviously, the term ‘Jungle Fever’ has racist overtones, since it refers to a white person’s erotic desire for …

Lawless, dirty hippies break laws, leave trash at drum circle gathering

Last Tuesday, San Diego city councilperson Jennifer Campbell said that “we have to get tough” on participants in a weekly Wednesday night drum at Veteran’s Park in Ocean Beach. “They have to stop it. They’ve …

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