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Stories by Walter Mencken

Pink God and Gay Jesus come to the defense of local pastor

Progressive Christian pastor Caleb J. Lines, Senior Minister at University Christian Church in San Diego, gained national attention recently for his proclamation that “Drag is holy” on social media. Some conservative Christians objected to the …

La Mesa settles lawsuit with protestor partially blinded by bean bag

On May 30 of 2020, La Mesa police detective Eric Knudson fired a bean bag round at Leslie Furcron as she took part in a protest outside the La Mesa Police Department. Protestors were throwing …

Springsteen adds San Diego tour date in response to homeless crisis

“Ordinarily, I wouldn’t bother bringing a tour to a pleasant paradise sort of place like San Diego,” said Bruce Springsteen at a press conference announcing the surprise addition of a Pechanga Arena concert during his …

Red Hot Ma-Ma!

Last week, 34-year-old award-winning Lincoln Acres Elementary School teacher Jacqueline Ma was arrested on six felony counts of sexual misconduct with a child under the age of 14, including three counts of oral copulation. And …

In-Gloria-s Basterds

“It’s hard being homeless,” said homeless person and Tent City mayor Will Balton, speaking at a recent city council special session on homelessness in San Diego. “You’ve got the cold and the cops to deal …

San Diego prelate directs diocese to file for moral bankruptcy

Recently, the Catholic Diocese of San Diego announced that it was considering entering financial bankruptcy in light of additional lawsuits brought against it by victims of sexual abuse. (The diocese already paid $198 million to …

Padres GM dismisses criticism of star after he announces plan to opt out of contract

In 2019, Manny Machado signed a 10-year, $300 million contract with the San Diego Padres; at the time, it was the largest free agent contract in American sports history. But that was then. In the …

Scientists urge beachfront property owners: “Donate to science! Or at least scientists!”

“Look, it just makes sense,” said National Ocean Level Academy President Reginald Smart in his address to the California Coastal Commission on Monday. “Scripps Institute of Oceanography is where? On the ocean. Because that’s where …

Dr. Seuss publisher and estate announce plan to produce sequel to beloved book

Last week, Random House Children’s Books announced its plan to release a new Grinch story later this year. Titled How the Grinch Lost Christmas!, it tells the touching story of a desperate industry’s attempt to …

THE CURRENT CINEMA

(All captions taken from local headlines/subheads.)

Biden Administration unveils new slogan to celebrate reopening of border gate: “You’ll be fine, just stay in line!”

San Ysidro’s PedWest border crossing is reopening this week after more than two years of closure in the wake of covid-19, and to celebrate, President Biden outlined a plan by which 30,000 people per month …

Buttigieg visits site of Great Southwest SNAFU, offers deepest condolences

Southwest Airlines left over a million passengers stranded over the Christmas holiday, thanks to a combination of terrible weather, even more terrible management and systems updates, and a government so hands off it might as …

Pair of male gorillas set up safe space at San Diego Safari Park

“We see this all the time in the wild,” says San Diego Zoo gorilla therapist Elaine Silverback. “Monroe and Frank had been living in a troop led by 50-year-old Winston, but when they reached sexual …

God and the San Diego Padres

[Disclaimer: None of this really happened. Well, some of it did.] My forebear H.L. was no great fan of religion. He famously said that “faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the …

Touched by an Angel

Yesterday, God Almighty called a press conference to announce that he was responsible for the shoulder injury suffered by Padres superstar Fernando Tatis, Jr., who tore his labrum at the end of a mighty swing …

Un-Kemped

“For a long time,” says Padres executionary chairman Rod Fouler, “the word around Major League Baseball was that the San Diego Padres couldn’t pay to get someone to take Matt Kemp off their hands. Giant …

Padres vs. Il Padre

Following the Padres’ heartbreaking playoff loss to the Dodgers, the team’s Swinging Friar fell to his knees, lifted his eyes to the heavens, and cried in a loud voice, “Eloi, eloi, lama sabachthani? My God, …

Diver$ity & Inclu$ion at UCSD

In a TikTok video that recently went viral after being featured on the LibsOfTikTok social media channel, former UCSD instructor Dr. Chandler Purrity, announced that, in an effort to “decolonize” her classroom, she gave automatic …

Resonance Consultancy ranking for San Diego leaves out key demographic

Earlier this month, Resonance Consultancy released its highly regarded list of the 100 World’s Best Cities in which to live. It’s no surprise that San Diego made the list, but it was a surprise to …

Stats confirm wisdom of Xander Bogaerts acquisition

“Yeah, we’ve already got Ha-Seong Kim at short,” acknowledges Padres game-analysis guru Sam Statz when asked about the Padres’ offseason spending spree. “And yeah, when [Fernando] Tatis gets back from suspension, we’ll have two shortstops. …

Heroic fictional soccer coach bumps up against real-world football villainy

A few years ago, Jason Sudeikis scored a surprise hit for Apple TV with his show Ted Lasso, the story of an American football coach possessed of a relentlessly cheerful disposition and an abiding sense …

Santee politician Randy Voepel protests against media’s attempts to link him to his grandchild’s alleged crimes

“When I saw the news, my first thought was for the victims,” says Assemblyman Randy Voepel (R-Santee) of the Club Q shooting in Colorado Springs. “My second thought was for my poor grandson, who may …

Phanksy Punks Padres

Shortly before the Padres’ ill-fated National League Championship Series against the Philadelphia Phillies, the artists behind Ground Floor murals felt inspired to create a work showing the San Diego Chicken standing over the Phillie Phanatic …

SDGE rebrands, hikes rates in anticipation of new regulations

Statement from company spokesman Max Power: “Look, California is going to ban the sale of gas-powered heaters by 2030. And the city is going to phase out funning gas lines to new construction over the …

Transportation Secretary Buttigieg visits San Diego amid rail closure crisis

As both companies and commuters struggle to deal with the closure of rail service between Los Angeles and San Diego due to unstable bluff conditions beneath the coast-hugging tracks, the Biden Administration has sent Transportation …

Art for blink-182’s long-awaited comeback album pays tribute to 1999 breakthrough

“2022 was a huge year for the band,” says Travis Barker, longtime drummer for San Diego pop-punk giants blink-182. “First, [bassist and founding member Mark] Hoppus got cancer — which, thankfully, was diagnosed and successfully …

Disney Disses Drag Divas

Last week, concerned parents gathered in Encinitas to protest a flier that had been posted on the school district’s information hub Peachjar, advertising an October 29 Boo Bash in Hillcrest — “The Queerest Free Halloween …

Local cannabis activist praises new city policy

Last week, San Diego formally instituted its cannabis equity program, aimed at aiding people of color with previous drug convictions to enter the legal cannabis industry. The program will facilitate loans, help provide startup funding, …

DA ruled mentally competent prosecute Larry Millete

Last week, San Diego Superior Court Judge Cindy Davis found Larry Millete mentally competent to stand trial for the murder of his wife Maya Millete, who disappeared in January of 2021. This was despite a …

Mean Clean Streets

"Gavin Newsom taught us a valuable lesson when he implemented the CARE Act allowing for enforced treatment and housing of homeless people suffering from mental illness,” said San Diego Mayor Todd Gloria during the press …

El Cajon mayor sends homeless to set up camp in County Supervisor Fletcher’s front yard

Last week, California Attorney General Rob Bonta sent a letter to El Cajon Mayor Bill Wells warning him that he was violating state and federal housing laws when he threatened to fine them for participating …

Fat Fast Leonard

Len on the Lam: last known photo of the man known as Fat Leonard, here seen sprinting through the streets of Tijuana.

Navy reinstates Catholic worship at base chapel after unspeakable incident

Statement from Father Gerald Riptide, Navy Chaplain for San Diego, regarding the military branch’s announced and then retracted decision to cancel Catholic Masses at North Island Chapel: “As Christians, we believe that our prayers are …

A Home for the Homeless

On September 14, California Governor Gavin Newsom signed the Community Assistance, Recovery and Empowerment (CARE) act into law. The law will allow courts to order treatment plans for mentally ill homeless individuals for up to …

SDSU to reassess new emphasis on traditional Aztec symbolism in wake of recent gang-rape charges

“Look, nobody’s suggesting that our team uniforms and school mascot actually led anybody to commit a gang rape,” says SDSU Football Brand Manager Sarah Booster. “But the descriptions that are coming out about the alleged …

Navy SEAL candidates following example of America’s first Super Soldier

“It’s sad, but not surprising,” said SEALs Director of Cleanup Ray Warcost of frequent performance-enhancing drug use on the part of Navy SEAL candidates, discovered in the wake of successful candidate Kyle Mullen’s death just …

Local activist group calls billboards along Martin Luther King, Jr. Freeway “economic racism.”

“Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr. was an American Hero who championed the rights of the oppressed, one who is rightly honored with the naming of a Freeway passing through a traditionally POC part of America’s …

American expats in Mexico reconsider their decision in light of country’s low cost of dying

Two weekends ago, the Jalisco drug cartel shut down the city of Tijuana in retaliation for the capture of a high-ranking cartel member. They blocked roads by setting fire to vehicles, and posted warnings for …

Border bust leads to exposure of botched battle in the War on Drugs

A recent seizure of 238 pounds of fentanyl-laced drugs at the San Ysidro border checkpoint produced an unexpected bit of paperwork: documents suggesting that the epidemic, which claims more and more lives every month in …

King Coal pays visit to San Diego City Council to celebrate plan to eliminate natural gas

Excerpt from address of Old King Coal to San Diego City Council, August 19, 2022: “Right now, California gets fully 37% of its electricity from natural gas, compared to just 34% from renewables and a …

Average rent in San Diego: $2916

“Home away from house”

County Super-supervisor Fletcher says vaccines are not enough: “We must fight the real enemy.”

Last week, as case numbers in San Diego County continued to rise, San Diego public health officials declared a public health emergency in response to the recent monkeypox outbreak. In a speech praising the move, …

San Diego schools enlist Paula the Penis as part of gender-identity instruction

Last week, conservative social activist Christopher Rufo — who attracted national attention with his crusade against Critical Race Theory in public school curricula before pivoting to what he terms “radical gender theory” — published a …

Biden’s Tall Wall Tale

“People have to understand,” a frustrated President Biden said to a frustrated public during a recent address, “many of the problems we’re facing today are inherited from the previous administration. Putin’s invasion of Ukraine, record …

Gavin Newsom on New Unis: Noisome

Last week, the San Diego Padres joined with several other Major League Baseball organizations by unveiling their City Connect uniforms, which were designed to capture the city’s character in new and exciting ways. The team’s …

San Diego Zoo appeals to out-of-state visitors looking to relax and get unpregnant

“Ever since the Supreme Court overturned Roe vs. Wade and handed the issue of reproductive rights over to the states, we’ve seen a huge uptick in people interested in traveling to California in order to …

UCSD cuts Seuss loose

“Many prestigious universities are experiencing a moment of reckoning in this moment,” says Wanda Buttert, Chief Officer of Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, and Purging at UCSD. “Yale, for instance, is wrestling with the fact that its …

A moment of reckoning at San Diego’s Diversionary Theatre

San Diego’s Diversionary Theatre is famously “the third oldest LGBTQ+ theatre in the United States, providing quality live theatre that aims to amplify the diverse voices of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender communities while …

Happy Trumpsgiving

Happy Trumpsgiving Hunter P. Thompson: "Sure, everybody here agrees that Trump is a fascist hatemonger with no sense of respect or decency. That just means he’s just like the rest of us. Those protesters who …

April 30, 2022
Biden Administration reiterates Remain in Mexico policy to border-hopping Mexican sewage

Last week, San Diego’s Department of Environmental Health and Quality once again closed the Imperial Beach shoreline due to sewage-contaminated runoff from the Tijuana River, prompting federal immigration officials to make the following statement: “While …

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