"I've heard you're God," the reporter said. The old man whom the reporter was talking to continued to chomp on his chocolate chip chocolate muffin. When the hoary fellow finished he croaked out, "Who told …

My phone rang. "Hi, this is Josh from Girls Gone Wild , and I've got..." "Girls Gone Wild?" I asked. "Yes, sir," his crackly, immature voice croaked over my receiver. "Josh, is it?" "Yes, sir. …

You can't outrun evolution. You can throw a blazer over a half-tucked button-up, slip a sterling money clip into your back pocket, open the door, and ease your Dolce & Gabbana sandals over the pedals …

A burst of screaming kids blew out of the door , down the steps, and across the rocky front yard. "Happy Birthday, Donovan!" I yelled to one of the grubby little monsters as he shot …

My first day in school was really my second day — Jangchup Phelygal The Radiators That Ticked Heat into the Room — Laura Rhoton McNeal Rear Rank Rudy — Jim Morris Forget-me-nots — Rosa Colwin …

Jess's Ford roaring up my driveway woke me up. I looked at the clock, 7:15. I was supposed to be awake at 7:00. I was in the shower when I heard Jess yell from my …

"Coffee, please," I say and hold back on snapping my fingers and yelling, "Quick! Quick! Move! Move!" She understands the unspoken commands and slides a clear, textured glass of ice water in front of me. …

"At Shady Acres we're committed to respect," the announcer says. Across the TV screen, a golf cart eases down a concrete path between two manicured lawns. I look over at my dad. "Don't even think …

"I can't believe you guys brought a TV and VCR," I announced to the group of blue overalls sitting in the torpedo room. "You know what I brought? I brought some books and CDs. I …

"Ugh," I say and roll my eyes. "Change it." "What are you talking about?" Joe, my cousin asks, incredulous. "That's Metallica." "I know it's Metallica. They suck. Change it." "Metallica rocks," he says and throws …

"So, what do you think?" That's my dad's standard phrase. The phrase he speaks when he doesn't have anything else to say. When silence pulls the room into its vacuum, "So, what do you think?" …

"Dancing in September" wept from the doorway of a music shop. I pulled my scarf and jacket collar open, exposing my neck and ear. I stayed on that street for the day. I wanted to …

Being hung over is a special treat. Last night I felt like I was made of golden light, all smiles and surrounded by fluffy pillows. This morning the harsh crash of trash cans in the …

In an effort to get the key to the Subway across the street, Kip, my roommate, has come up with a clever plan. Since I'm super-famous, we figure it's only a matter of time before …

Scrawled in my notebook during Comic-Con Wednesday July 13, 2005 1:21 p.m. Eating lunch downtown with Kip and Renee before walking to the convention center. On the street outside the restaurant are two men waiting …

If this was on television, the scene would show me sitting across from a girl. When she talks you can see her mouth move, but only hear The Dukes of Hazzard theme playing from the …

Teeth grind when you're addicted. Every second of the day. While you sleep. While you shower. You never eat when you're addicted. If you did eat, your teeth and dry mouth would grind everything into …

Sweat cracked across my forehead, pooled in my eyes, and stung my cracked lips. The skin peeking from beneath my collar turned from irritated to burned. When my hands touched the granite, I smelled charred …

Mary had a little lamb. Mary's ovine pet propelled her, not just to stardom, but to galactic fame. It was the TV show featuring Mary and her adolescent sheep where her acclaim started. It was …

On TV, people's faces look dramatic in the rain. In real life, the rain doesn't impart that magic quality of passion. The air between cars is painted with a gray, oily brush. The black dots …

People don't talk in real life the way they do on TV. In real life nobody makes a statement then waits for the other person to speak. Nobody answers a question directly. People don't listen …

I kick my feet up on my coffee table. My reclined position affords me an unusual view. On the expanse of white ceiling the contrast of a small black dot catches my eye. The dot …

A tattoo addiction has left 20 percent of my body covered with subcutaneous ink. Depictions of water, cherry blossoms, a green demon, and an octopus cascade down my arms. I am eternally wearing long "sleeves." …

What about Betsy? "I said, your love!" the flat-screen TV speakers blare into the semi-neutral, designer-coordinated bedroom. Betsy whirls around in a gossamer nightgown, singing the chorus, "Your love keeps liftin' me," and she falls …

I was in terrible shape. My spirit was crushed. Not the soul. I don't believe in souls, but the spirit is hard to ignore. For 45 minutes in the morning I had to commute to …

"Oh, shoot!" Mrs. Juhl said. "I forgot the TV and VCR in the teachers' lounge. Tony, since you're in the back near the door and drawing on your desk instead of reviewing the chapter, why …

Hooters girls danced in circles beneath flickering TV screens. Their dance was a sexually charged Hokey Pokey for guys who were celebrating a birthday. "You put your name tag in! You put your name tag …

"Trigg, how's it going?" I asked. Trigg was the kind of guy who would tell people how he was doing instead of going through the "Fine, how about you?" process. "Well, first of all, my …

Journal Entry, April 17, 2005: I guess the story could start anytime. It could start when I lost my job. It could start the night before I lost my job when I bought the bottle …

"Woof!" My dad uses the same word to describe women he finds both ugly and attractive -- only the inflection in his voice changes. For attractive women he rocks back in his recliner and clutches …

THE ICE OF THE DANUBE RIVER HAD THAWED A LITTLE and flat chunks flowed along the bank. I walked from the Chain Bridge into the Pest half of Budapest, shielding my face against biting wind. …

I KNOCKED ON THE DOOR. There were people inside, but nobody got up to answer. I checked my notebook: 52 Romford Road, London, England. I was on the right street at the right house, but …

i REPRODUCE BY EXPELLING A CLOUD OF SPORES. Through the millions of years of evolution the lizard cortex of my brain recognizes patterns that indicate a situation of possible reproduction. Whenever colors and shapes align …

"TODAY IS GOING TO BE A NICE ONE: SUNNY IN THE MORNING to mid-afternoon with partly cloudy skies this evening, but only a slight chance of rain," the blond weatherman in the tailored, navy blue …

THE #13 STREET STOCK CAR rounded the corner and violently smashed sideways into the wall, and the crowd let out a cheer. The ensuing spinout and flip-over left the car a smoking, flaming tin can, …

WE WERE ALREADY DRUNK AS HELL. We'd been at a birthday party in an apartment near the airport drinking beer and vodka for hours. The cocaine kept us operating at a normal frequency despite the …

I WAS ALWAYS CHASING CIGARETTES AROUND and grabbing them by the butt. The ashtray before me heaped with gray dust and leafy tubes of cotton. The barbecued tobacco stained my fingers and turned them into …

"I WANT TO GO ON OPRAH AND HAVE HER ANNOUNCE ME AS 'The Man Who Made Wearing Skirts Okay,'" David gushed. The others at the party hardly noticed the frilly petticoat purposefully pouring from his …

"I GOTTA GO SEE ANGIE TODAY," Isaac said. "For what?" "Because, she's gonna give me something." "What?" "What do you think?" "Oh. Well, we better get this truck back together. Hand me the half-inch socket." …

"Well, you're right on time," I said to the back of a hooded red rainjacket. "Oh, my God," the coat squealed, then spun around. "I thought I'd lost you," Cassandra shouted into my shoulder as …

I couldn't sit there for half an hour watching my garments whirl in circles. So I bought some spare time with a handful of quarters, walked out of the "Launder-O-Mat" into the drizzling rain, and …

The counselor at my first drunk-driving school said the word "sometimes" with a space between the two words: "some...times." His shaved pate showed the marks of a raucous youth. The length of his salt-and-pepper beard …

Isaac Leedom pissed on my VCR. Isaac wasn't technically my friend, he was my brother's, so I hold no responsibility for the incident. My dad contends to this day he's never had a VCR that …

My first script "Hello, a lot of folks with diabetes are having a tough time eating right. Well, now there's -- goddamnit!" Wilford Brimley is interrupted by a series of loud bangs. "It's bad enough …

"What is this?" I asked through a silver microphone bolted into the glass. "That's a check. The jail takes the cash in your pocket and issues you a check," a voice, oddly disembodied and electronic, …

(Santa arrives. Santa and I greet.) Ollie: So, Santa, you don't mind if I ask you a question to verify you are the real Santa, do you? Santa: No, Anthony, not at all. O: Where's …

"You know, I had my doubts that this sign would be assembled, given the short deadline, but I think the team can pull together and make it happen," I say to the cameras. "We had …

“Hey, I’m going to come get you. You can help me move our new TV,” my cousin Joe informed me over a crackling cell phone connection. “What?” I asked through static, “What kind of TV …