One night, when I lived in Clairemont, horror came in through the front door. I was cooking chicken in the tiny old oven in the dilapidated kitchen of my ancient apartment. While cooking, I divided …

An Open Letter to Mel Gibson Mel, You've had a little trouble this past weekend. It's all right, Mel. We all slip on occasion. I have a proposal for you, Mel. I read about your …

July 20, 1969, is the date that the moon landing was faked. It says so, here in black ink on the yellowing label that's peeling back from the metal canister on my desk. You see, …

When I was in high school, a woman walked into a local courthouse and shot a man in the back of the head. That's when I learned that everything in the news is reported in …

A woman bustles a child through a shopping mall as if he were one of the paper sacks she'd filled and purchased at a designer boutique. It seems harmless enough. You wouldn't expect something bad …

I had never been so disappointed as the day a troupe of Harlem Globetrotters came to town. On TV they were the finest club of ballplayers anyone had ever seen. Steven Brown and I had …

Adult society, at every level, is depraved. Walk up to any jerk on the street and ask to go through the pictures on his cell phone. He sure as hell won't let you. He's got …

Hi, kids! I'm Jose El Burro. Welcome to My Neighborhood. Let's take a look around. Here we are at 36th Street and University. Look at that pink building over there with the stars painted on …

When I was eight, I ripped the skin off my right arm. I had been riding bikes with Timmy Sanguinetti at the churchyard. It was a day of us tear-assing all over. We had seen …

Maybe you have a philosophy. Maybe it has to do with Santa Claus clapping his hands and pop! out comes everything. Out comes the Milky Way and our solar system and down here, on our …

Social pressure is about the worst kick to the ghoulies that a man in his prime can take. Rowland McCowan would tell you that himself if he were still around. You can be charging ahead …

Corrugated tin sheets, rusted, dripped with paint, nipped into irregular rectangles, and fastened to each other in an unintentionally beautiful patchwork, stand as the long wall of a house. The residence across the alley from …

When I was a little kid I underwent surgery to remove my tonsils. This is back in the early '80s. Tonsillectomies were common. Now, I think surgery is a last resort. I imagine the "last …

One time I got a haircut in a Polish train station. I wouldn't recommend it. The woman who gave me the cut must have been an amateur ornithologist because she fashioned the side of my …

When you wake up in the morning, the alarm is worse than a nightmare. The sound of it sends waves of nausea through your body. That's how it works, on the principle that you're sickened …

Having bronchitis afforded me a rare view of the bleak daytime-television channelscape I don't normally enjoy. For a week the coughing banged me up and rattled me awake before regular programming had begun. First thing …

Last Thursday I gave a little cough and rubbed my chest. I'd felt dizzy since I'd woken up and I said, "Man, I think I'm getting a little cold." Ron said, "Oh, no. This is …

There's a nickel-and-dime titty club on 36th and University called the Minx. I live down the street from it. Whenever I have a friend over, he always remarks, "Some night we're going in there," with …

This one time I took a pant-load of acid in a bar. Things started out slow; from the corner of my eye I caught a swirling pattern of white lights. Soon things progressed to a …

Paper tapestries printed with the oily ink and complicated characters of Japanese calligraphy flutter in a soft breeze. A warm wind crosses the sushi restaurant and delivers to me the subtle scent of ginger, tuna, …

Even though I've moved to the big city, I can't forget the wheat farm where I was raised. The color of San Diego stands in contrast to my small home. Here are the aqua tones …

Attention from a pretty girl is all any of us wants -- men, that is. There are volumes of slick magazines devoted to a monthly review of "What he really wants," when it's just that …

Drawn across the top of my Soundgarden CD case are parallel lines of dusty, crushed-rock powder. I suck at one with a straw and rub my nose because of the raw scratching and chemical burn. …

Our last night in Phnom Penh, Cambodia, we sat in the yellow light of a Khmer restaurant and sloshed beer across the table and ate frogs. The frogs came out skewered through and giving off …

The Friday-afternoon flight from San Diego to Vegas is called "the Stripper Flight." High-priced kewpie dolls with basketballs forced under their too-tight tank tops wing from their beach condos to Sin City and then return …

If you buy two seats on a bus through Cambodia, one to keep your bag and knees on, the other for your butt, you might as well slap every other person on that bus right …

"Dice are out!" the stickman hollers. "Same lucky shooter, number's eight, point eight, hard or easy." "Two bucks on hard eight," a black transvestite yells and tosses down two blue chips. She makes eye contact …

"Where the hell were you last night?" Mel's accusatory tone cracks across the space between our cell phones. "You were supposed to watch Project Runway with me." "Mel, now listen, this is important stuff," I …

At night the door on my neighbor's apartment clacked open and shut. All night, the spring-loaded screen swung open -- reeeeeek -- and slammed back shut -- clack ! Marco, the landlord who spoke some …

"I've heard you can Effect the outcome of sporting events." "You've been misinformed," the man says. "I don't effect the outcome of sporting events any more than you do, or anyone for that matter." His …

"We are the oldest whitest people on the planet, aren't we?" Ron asks. I agree and nod. "We're like the last holdouts in a zombie movie. Outside that door is a civilization we don't recognize. …

My wireless Internet connection fades out and goes black. Plodding into the next room, I duck my head under the bed and push my ass high in the air, and I root around for the …

Two Policia scratch the black leather soles of their boots against the grit of the sidewalk as they turn their backs to me. The Spanish in their mouths is the deliberate cadence of morning, and …

She sits like a stack of deli meats, all mounded up and sliding off of herself. Purple straps and black straps from tank tops and bras try to restrain her soft bubbles of flesh. Engorged …

"All right, everyone quiet down. Let's pick a movie. How do I do that?" "You have to go to the On Demand screen, then..." "Where the hell is that?" "It's back two things. You have …

My boots clomp against the concrete of the garage, and a gravelly paste falls from the arches to mingle with the oil patch in the center of the floor. I light a cigarette, blow the …

Rowdy honky-tonk stomps into the room from a monolith speaker in the corner. Piano keys jangle. Drum skins are slapped broad with flat sticks. Disconcerting. The whole damn atmosphere is intentionally disconcerting."Do you remember Molly …

"14 Miles," the angular numbers and white diode letters flash from a matte black, artificial panel, and a synthesized beep beep sounds. The beeps escape the atmosphere of the room and leave behind the whirring …

A VD clinic is like if you could take a standard elevator and stretch it in every direction. Chemical lemons accost the sinuses; every surface has been wiped down with a disinfecting alcohol solution. Light …

Of all the songs in the entire world that one can rattle out of an electric speaker, someone chose this. From the earliest recorded sound on wax cones of misguided notes upon spinning, leaden, glass …

"Fourth down and one. Chargers need to convert here to put themselves in field goal range." Sparkling graphics prance across the screen with stats on how many points the San Diego kickers scored this year …

"Do you ever watch Arrested Development?" John asks. "No," I answer. This is where most conversations with me go. When the "How have you been doing?" greetings are over and we've stared at our mimosa …

'Let's call Mel. Let's see if she'll come down," people said. "I don't want to wake her up," they said. "It's awfully early. And, Sunday. She probably wants to sleep in, but it'd be cool …

"It's a polar bear," a statuesque woman on the little black screen breathes huskily while posing for the camera. "Wait," I blurt. The DVD is paused. "The plane supposedly crashed in the tropics. Why the …

Alicia Champion collapsed onstage at the San Diego Indie Music Fest Saturday night, November 5. The audience fell silent as security and staff rushed to her aid. One staffer said Alicia "hasn't eaten well or …

"Guinness, please," I mumble to the woman behind the bar while I shuffle a handful of bills around. I start to feel human again with the first few sips. An Olympic-caliber hangover sat in my …

By Sunday morning I had been up for 24 hours. The attempt to sleep would prove to be futile. Instead of trying to fight the sun with clamped eyelids and pillows piled over my head, …

Things to do before I turn 30: live on both coasts; fall in love; backpack around Europe; ride my bike the 50 miles from Rosarito to Ensenada; write a hit TV series, cast Phoebe Cates, …

“We usually have a gong here. We can kick them off stage whenever we want with that.”

It's the compulsion, the need that keeps you awake until dawn. The drugs are secondary. That hole has to be filled. Somehow you were given that hole. During your childhood. The intricate latticework of behavioral …