About the same time I was studying to take the SATs, my mother was renewing her sense of purpose with the lost art of sewing clothes for her family. I was sitting on my bed …

"What the hell is going on?" I yell into the phone. "I've turned into a Possumizon!" "No you haven't," my girlfriend rolls with it. She's heard this sort of thing 14 times a day since …

San Diego Public Access Channel presents: Sex Education as Taught by Your Bashful Nephew Hi, I'm Ollie, your bashful nephew. They told me to give this sex education class on the TV because I screwed …

Foxy has mad gameness. "Gameness" is a word my friends and I picked up from a book, A Fighter's Heart , by Sam Sheridan. It means a willingness to fight even if a dog is …

"Would you get off the phone?" my dad yelled. "I'm setting my watch. Give me a minute." "It's close enough." "No it isn't." I wanted to synch my Batman watch with the infallible voice of …

This film is wholly implausible. In this first scene, the starlet's noisy neighbors disrupt her homework time by banging their headboard against the shared wall. Yet, in the next scene, she's walking downstairs and through …

Soughington Armes looms dark and heavy on a discreet block in South Park. The Ashfield family, from Soughington, England, built the estate more than a century ago. Rumors around the area speak of dark and …

Diary of a Television-Infected Existence 5:22 a.m. Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are doing it. I know it. That old, chapped man's hand is down that other old, chapped man's pants. They lean in. …

Miss Muffett traded her tuffet, many years ago, for the comfort of Italian leather. But it isn't her own seat Muffett is interested in at this moment. It is the seat of her stewardess. Muffett …

Chasing blond flakes around a glass table with my last dollar bill in my nose wasn't "rock bottom." When a car backed over me, I was shirtless and running through an alley. That wasn't the …

If there is an opposite of "hip," I am the embodiment of it. All people have an amount of hipness in them, even if it's the tiniest drop. A staid soccer mom may enjoy the …

"Get your hands off of me, vile woman!" I scream. "Turn me loose, Martha Stewart!" Martha Stewart's hands have the strength of a steroidal orangutan. It's all that scissor work. And the tying of stiff …

Friday night I put on a Mexican wrestling mask and went bowling. I'm not making that up. It's a huge bowling alley, over 20 lanes, so the two dozen of us in masks made up …

My hometown, Sonora, had a big shakeup this week. Traffic on Mono Way came to a standstill several times. Ranchers on their way to Jim's Feed and Tack store, construction workers driving to their job …

Olivieri Manor is the new name of my apartment. It was formerly known as the Embassy of Cool, but I was watching a Batman cartoon on TV last weekend and it struck me: Bruce Wayne …

Hey, man, could you stop doing that? Could you stop marching American kids to their deaths in a crappy desert country so we can lay claim to their oil? Also, could you guys over there …

An Interview with the Easter Bunny Ollie: Thanks for sitting with me. Easter Bunny: Well, sure. It's my week off. I'm not doing anything until next Monday. O: What's next Monday? EB: That's when I …

What I Will and Won't Watch This Week Why are they called permanents? I know that sounds like the setup to a joke that isn't funny, but I've read about the "permanent-wave hair treatment" online, …

Yes, sir, the mind is an amazing thing. The other day I was walking, enjoying the warm sun, and counting bits of litter, listening to cars, birds, and people on my street. As I got …

The cooking-segment host for that l.a. News station was a kid-toucher. They ever tell you that? No. Because Hollywood is depraved. Right now, there are slaves tied up and swinging from the ceilings of TV …

What I am not is a loud ass in the morning. I am a morning person. When most people are slapping their alarm clocks and begging God to let them sleep, I'm cartwheeling to the …

At some point, we're going to have to dig up Mister Rogers's body. I know it's not a pretty business, but there it is: little kids are turning up at the morgue in Latrobe, Pennsylvania. …

As a child, I traveled with my family along the dreary road from Budapest to Bucharest. We were the animal caretakers in the "Csodálatos Cirkusz" -- the "Wonderful Circus." I was born into it, wagon …

Brandon Vera stands facing David Loiseau in the center of an Olympic-sized boxing ring. David is turned to the side, holding a blue pad, six inches thick, against his torso. Brandon deals David several swift …

On the black uniform of Polish police officers is a patch with a gold embroidered scorpion. There's a saying in Polish: "Don't get stung," or "Don't get stung by a scorpion." I only know how …

My new best friend, a sock puppet, wrote this week's installment of "Remote Control King." I made the sock puppet's eyes with dried jalapeños from a discarded pizza, and his mouth was created by painting …

A stupid Matt Damon movie is on. Any movie will do. I turn the TV up loud, louder than my neighbors will like, but I don't care. I have to get her voice out of …

I wasn't always in trouble or on drugs when I was in the Navy. But I did report to the boat with two black eyes, a busted lip, and mangled nose. My new chief took …

The Five Stages of Grief as They Pertain to Spilling Beer On My Cable Box and Only Receiving the Asian Channel Denial This should clear right up. I'll try flipping channels. Using the "up" and …

For some reason I wanted an old fashioned, hang-up paper calendar. I'd never had one before. I always relied on people telling me if the date was closer to Martin Luther King's birthday or Hanukah. …

Aer Lingus was my new favorite airline. Mostly because its name sounded like a romantic euphemism for something dirty. But, also because my flight from Dublin, Ireland, to Edinburgh, Scotland, cost me only 30 pounds …

"We need to talk. Come into my office, please," I say, and I switch off my Bluetooth earpiece. "Of course, Anthony. It is a lovely office." "Don't blow smoke up my underpants," I say. Rounding …

Night blankets me as I patrol the neighborhoods of North Park. No, it isn't "stalking," as the police have alleged. It happens that my ex-girlfriend's house is in a hot spot of criminal activity to …

"Oh, for the love-a...," my dad yells at the TV. It's his favorite thing, heckling people who will never hear him. In the past year before his retirement, he's slipped from "disagreeable middle age" to …

"Fine! Do whatever you want! I'm sick of it!" She's screaming, sitting at my counter, and touching her temples. I reach for the bottle of bourbon on top of the refrigerator, unscrew the cap, and …

My dad still calls a refrigerator an "icebox." He got it from his dad, who got it from his dad. You see , Great Granddad Olivieri delivered ice in a horse and buggy through the …

Oh, Britney. If you weren't such a skank you might have a chance with me now that you're single. But, you are. A stupid skank, I mean. I've seen you on TV. Your hair looks …

It's Halloween night, and I live in a residential area. I'm sitting here in the dark. I can hear the little bastards outside, clamoring for candy. I've got a party to attend, and while I …

One time, some friends and I detonated a Volkswagen. It was a field car. When it started having problems, my friend Danny's dad would fix it a little bit, but it was getting worse, and …

"It has to be fresh, you know," the receptionist tells me over the phone. "You can drop it off anytime after 1 o'clock." At 12:59 I'm standing at the counter. Let's get this over with. …

"What do you want to be?" A classroom full of scruffy, grubby, teenaged boys and primped, upright girls. I'm drawing Transformers and comic-book characters on my desk. Optimus Prime and Wolverine. "If you don't know …

Blackout. Then I'm awake. Blackout. Aware. I'm fading in and out, piecing together a weekend gone without me. My girlfriend screaming at me and shoving me. We were in San Diego then. Peanuts and Beer, …

There are these milk crates I have. I found 'em in an alley and when I spotted 'em I slammed on my brakes and rushed from my truck to nab 'em before anyone else could. …

There were those days. When I was young and there was violence in my blood. There were those nights. Pulling a friend from the double yellow line of a busy road while he screamed, "NO! …

Have you ever made an ass of yourself? I mean, somewhere public, involving a loud hissy. Ever done anything like that? I did. I was in a coffee shop in Little Italy last week, getting …

"You're going to feel a pinch and some pressure," is how a doctor says, "You're going to feel me jab a needle into your goolies." After a quick wince and bite on the lip, I …

I don't know why I associated a crashing sound with my truck. Maybe it's the way my brain orders things according to luck. A basket full of chocolates, drugs, money, and strippers' phone numbers flies …

There's almost no risk being a low-level drug dealer as I was. Nobody even notices if you have a monthly rotation where you pick up a few extra pills or a couple hundred bucks. The …

Me: Why are you watching the Teen Choice Awards? You're 27. Her: I just want to see Nick Lachey win an award for his new song. Because, to hell with Jessica. Me: You're a good …

Every year I got a different shaped cake for my birthday. One year it was Bugs Bunny. The pan gave it away. I saw my mother bring it in with the groceries and stash it …