I didn’t recognize the number with the San Francisco area code, but when I read the text I picked up my phone and dialed it. Once Eddie grabbed the line, I said, “Does this answer …

"I need to give your Tupperware back," Terri said. "I forgot you even had it, no biggie," I said. It took me a second to remember why she'd have our Tupperware. That's right, the leftover …

I just got home (my current home) from signing a lease for what will be my new home. David and I are excited to have this decided and done, and now we're busy with preparations …

Dear People Who Hover Outside of Grocery Stores With Clipboards, I hate you. I hate that you pester me with your bid to save medical marijuana, or your campaign to “change city hall.” No, I …

Apparently, one of the other mothers at "drop off" -- where Jane drops her daughter Bella off at school -- was shocked by my sister's two-toned hair. As Jane relays it, her friend said something …

David gets a kick out of drawing similarities between me and my sister Jane. We both do the "happy dance" when we receive tasty food, we're both exceptionally neurotic, and we both make a game …

I didn't mind the long line to the checkout counter at Fry's Electronics, not this time. Because this time, there was a puppy in the shopping cart in front of me. "Do you mind?" I …

Though I joked that I was tweeting from Heaven this morning because "God has a thing for chicks in glasses," the truth is, I missed the rapture boat yesterday, as did all of us sinners. …

This morning, I interviewed one of our city's firefighters. I have a lot of respect for firefighters -- a number of my high school friends joined the local ranks (at least four I can think …

David and I are on our way out in a few minutes to check out the place we're thinking about moving into. It's contemporary, modern, suits our taste, but we need to stand inside and …

According to all the billboards around San Diego, the rapture is coming, and it'll be here this Saturday. Obviously, there is much preparation to be done. On the actual day of judgment, I'll be attending …

When my friend Kerry finally decided to move down to San Diego from Santa Barbara, I thought we'd have nothing but time together. She and Mia were among the lucky few to keep up a …

When people ask me when it was that David and I got married, the only way I can remember the exact date of that Wednesday we eloped is by thinking of my father's birthday, which …

I try to visit my family in segments — a sister here, a parent there, I break them down into manageable numbers. On rare occasions, such as birthdays and holidays, I must see them all …

It is possible to be lovingly offensive. The people on all of those intervention shows know what I'm talking about -- whether it's hoarding or alcoholism that's ruining your life, only those who really truly …

I finally understand why some people feel the need to make up a story to explain an obvious injury. A cast on your leg, a scar across your arm... a chipped tooth. I'm no stranger …

Multitasking arises out of distraction itself. — Marilyn vos Savant I tried my best to tune her out, though I knew my efforts were futile — my sister’s voice screeches skyward every time she’s on …

Harmony seldom makes a headline. — Silas Bent I hadn’t set out to torture the mayor of Coronado, but things rarely turn out the way I expect. I didn’t even know Coronado had a mayor, …

Design is not just what it looks like and feels like. Design is how it works. — Steve Jobs Just as the modern woman doesn’t go on a first date without a new dress and …

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four. — Mark Twain I rolled over, reached my arm out from beneath the …

No animal ever invented anything so bad as drunkenness — or so good as drink. — Lord Chesterton I pilfered a Diet Dr. Pepper from my friend’s fridge. A couple of people were drinking red …

You can never go home again, but the truth is you can never leave home, so it’s all right. — Maya Angelou Forget marriage — my commitment with my man was consummated the day we …

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not. — Dr. Seuss My jaw hung down in disbelief. New images of the cataclysm were pouring in faster …

Condiments are like old friends — highly thought of, but often taken for granted. — Marilyn Kaytor I waited until the bartender was distracted and then went to work as quickly as possible. “Whoa, there …

Society can exist only on the basis that there is some amount of polished lying and that no one says exactly what he thinks. — Lin Yutang I stood beside David in the atrium on …

I’ve noticed if you’re a pug owner, you’re pug crazy. — Crystal Key ‘Is that a pig or a pug?” asked the little girl. “It’s a pug in a pig costume,” I said. “If you …

Ah, good taste, what a dreadful thing! Taste is the enemy of creativeness. — Pablo Picasso I mustered the energy to lift my head from the spot on the wall that had been holding it …

Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live. — Mark Twain My first reaction upon seeing the girl and her bicycle on the hood of my car was shock. I stared forward …

I don’t know what it is, but it’s weird and pissed off. — from the movie The Thing (Kevin’s favorite quotation, according to his Facebook page) One of my Facebook friends has logged off. For …

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books — how not to eat what you’ve just learned how to cook. — Andy Rooney I delight in playing hostess to out-of-towners. I use …

Most of us can read the writing on the wall; we just assume it’s addressed to someone else. — Ivern Ball I told myself not to freak out as I peered at the paper that …

It was 8:20 p.m. on a Wednesday in mid-October. Over 100 San Diegans were wedged into the Whistle Stop bar in South Park, listening to marketing guru David Lecours, the emcee for San Diego’s ninth …

Running is the greatest metaphor for life, because you get out of it what you put into it. — Oprah Winfrey I stood at my window, phone against my ear, and looked down at the …

I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won’t let himself get snotty about it. — Raymond Chandler Click Here for a full Gallery of …

I must decline your invitation owing to a subsequent engagement. — Oscar Wilde I kept my eyes on the road while David called out numbers. “We’re looking for 976, so it’s probably going to be …

What is a home without children? Quiet. — Henny Youngman I didn’t even have a chance to finish saying “Yo” before Jane cut me off — “Help,” she said. I could tell by the panic …

Great food is like great sex. The more you have, the more you want. — Gael Greene A toast was made to friendship; glasses full of sparkling gold clinked, and our smiles reflected the warmth …

When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day. — Marty Bucella My laptop sat atop the piano, two windows open: one displayed sheet music for an advanced, chord-heavy version of …

Madness is rare in individuals — but in groups, political parties, nations, and eras it’s the rule. — Friedrich Nietzsche By 9:30 a.m., we’d been standing on the grass at the National Mall in Washington, …

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. — Mark Twain "Jane’s waiting for me downstairs. I’ll see you in a few hours,” I said, kissing David on each cheek. …

I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him. — Abraham Lincoln Dad apologized …

Politeness is the art of choosing among one’s real thoughts. — Abel Stevens I zoomed in on a glittery globe that contained translucent swirls of pink, purple, and green. The sky was a clear, rich …

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. — Winston Churchill Bella held a mini carrot over the pygmy pig’s head, but as the animal’s …

To speak and to speak well are two things. A fool may talk, but a wise man speaks. — Ben Jonson "I think we should hit Whole Foods first, then Fry’s, and then Iowa Meat …

Culture is roughly anything we do and the monkeys don’t. — Lord Raglan It was warm and sunny the Friday before Labor Day — a perfect day to go to the zoo, or at least …

The acquisition of the knowledge of navigation has a strange effect on the minds of men. — Jack London Lou and I waited on the dock for the others to catch up — they were …

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. — Ralph Waldo Emerson An electronic melody toodled in the other room. Like a mob of meerkats, …

Camping: nature’s way of promoting the motel industry. — Dave Barry "Are you a Burner?” asked the guy sitting across from me. I couldn’t remember his name, only that he was a college student by …

Too many have dispensed with generosity in order to practice charity. — Albert Camus My landline was blowing up. Three calls in ten minutes, all from charity organizations. I glared at the receiver. This was …

Truth is such a rare thing, it is delightful to tell it. — Emily Dickinson David arrived home, set his keys on the counter, and retrieved a bottle of green tea from the refrigerator. As …