“Those who look like the artists they are portraying will probably go far,” says producer Randy Wood. “A Michael Jackson impersonator — with all the dancers and everything — went to Mexico last year and …

The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces. — Maureen Murphy "Okay, here’s the deal,” I said, as Amy set her purse …

One way to prevent conversation from being boring is to say the wrong thing. — Frank Sheed ‘How do you say, ‘Your mother is a toad’?” I said, lifting my pen in expectation. “I don’t …

“One electric motorcycle, called the ‘Killacycle,’ goes from zero to sixty in one second,” says Paul Thomas, organizer of the Kick Gas Festival, an electric-car-racing and eco-fair event being held at the Barona Drag Strip …

Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful. — William Morris David was both appreciative and apprehensive when I offered to help him. He desired …

“Squash is associated with Ivy League schools and expensive athletic clubs,” says Renato Paiva, executive director of Surf City Squash. “But that image is changing. Right now there are 55 colleges in the country [with …

An easygoing husband is the one indispensable comfort of life. — Marie Louise De La Ramee ‘You know what sounds really good right now?” David looked up from the magazine in his hands. “Frozen ravioli …

“You should keep it to no more than six kinds of wine at a party,” says Christopher Silva, president and CEO of St. Francis Winery and Vineyards of Sonoma. “You don’t want your guests to …

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. — Rita Rudner When Rosa asked me what my plans were for the rest of the day, I shifted uncomfortably in …

If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere. — Frank A. Clark The only burp so far on our maiden voyage to Montreal had been the poutine. As a …

“Anybody who is first learning how to ride should get a longboard,” says skateboarder Brad Harvey. “It’s definitely more stable, like a longer snowboard or surfboard would be. Bicyclists think we’re nuts when they realize …

“One of the most important predators in the kelp forest is the California sheephead, a fish that changes sex during its lifetime,” says marine ecologist Edward Parnell. All California sheephead begin life as females and …

If it’s true that men are such beasts, this must account for the fact that most women are animal lovers. — Doris Day According to a recent article in the Boston Globe, over 80 percent …

Video games are bad for you? That’s what they said about rock and roll. — Shigeru Miyamoto Heather was right when she said an explanation wouldn’t do it justice, that if I were to fully …

“I’m not sure if Animal House is as cult-y as Harold and Maude — it might be a little bit more mainstream,” says Lauren Turner, marketing and communications coordinator for the Museum of Photographic Arts. …

Yoga is difficult for the one whose mind is not subdued. — Bhagavad Gita Despite all the dismissive things I’ve said about patchouli-wearing chakra tweakers, I still wanted to try yoga. Though my inherent impatience …

“American Tribal Style is an inclusive belly-dance form,” says dancer Sandi Kay. “The dancer in the lead position can cue the dancers on what move they’re going to do next, so every dance ends up …

I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts. -- Orson Welles I wondered whether or not it mattered that I'd missed the first few episodes and decided …

“A tiki party is different than a luau,” says Otto von Stroheim, publisher of Tiki News magazine. “Luaus have hula dancers and Hawaiian-style music and a roasted pig. At a tiki party there’s bongo music, …

What is bought is cheaper than a gift. — Portuguese proverb I had told Jen to be ready at 8:15 a.m. At 8 a.m. she was folding laundry in her garage and, from the look …

“Some people will flat out tell you, ‘I don’t want anything too hard,’” says Kathryn Smith. “With most people, you can just kind of tell what games they’d be good at. I had one crowd …

“In the past, if we had a French exhibition, we’d show French films,” says Golda Akhgarnia, public relations coordinator for the San Diego Museum of Art. “This year we’re celebrating a ‘summer of women’ theme …

All weddings, except those with shotguns in evidence, are wonderful. — Liz Smith The first one was periwinkle and the texture of living room drapes. The second was a shiny satin the shade of sea-foam …

“I grew up on a farm in Cole Camp, Missouri. I enjoyed watching amateur rodeos, but my family wasn’t a rodeo family,” says professional bull rider Matt Bohon. “I’d see bareback riding, bucking horses, calf …

When I free my body from its clothes, from all their buttons, belts, and laces, it seems to me that my soul takes a deeper, freer breath. — August Strindberg My arms were trapped above …

User, n. The word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.” — Dave Barry The initial symptoms of a massive failure, such as a heart attack or stroke — a sore arm, a bit of …

“Before brewers became cognizant of microbiology and sanitation, I imagine there were a lot more sour beers,” says Mitch Steele, head brewer for Stone Brewing Co. “It’s not only bacteria but wild yeast as well …

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one. — Bill Gates David’s brother Dana and I stood side by side, surveying the items arranged on his mother’s kitchen table. At one …

“For the full-moon paddle, sometimes there’s phosphorescence in the water,” says Julie Hocking, office manager of the education department for the San Diego Natural History Museum. “It’s like a neon green. When I paddle I …

“There are a couple of shoals in the bay — one at the south end of Shelter Island — that people run aground on,” says Jim Holmberg, U.S. Coast Guard Auxiliary Public Education Officer. A …

Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes. — Gloria Naylor Like a good amateur psychologist, when I encounter a hot mess of a woman I immediately look to her father. More often …

Brevity is the soul of lingerie. — Dorothy Parker Most of the “lingerie parties” I’ve attended have featured women arriving in their finest lace or leather thongs and teddies. But the invitation on my desk …

“Once I ran out of dry underwear I started hitchhiking, which is something you can do easily on a bike,” says author Jim Malusa. “A bike evokes a certain amount of sympathy. And everyone knows …

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese. — G.K. Chesterton It was not an invitation — it was a challenge. It didn’t say “Mac and Cheese Party,” it said, “Mac and …

“If your dog cannot be commanded with ‘come’ and ‘stay’ 100 percent of the time, you should probably not have your dog on a trail,” says Allen Riedel, author and hiking enthusiast. “Most places in …

“In the mid to late 1990s, we saw a lot of contamination — from places like the shipyards in particular — flowing freely off those sites, like Southwest Marine and NASSCO [National Steel and Shipyard …

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses. — Dorothy Parker When I was six years old I had an imaginary friend named Jesus. Like most children, I attributed nearly everything that happened or …

Tea to the English is really a picnic indoors. — Alice Walker Mom had been exercising her pinkie for three days. She told me the exhaustive sets of pinkie-extensions were in preparation for her first …

“Cottonwood Creek is the watershed in Encinitas that flows out into Moonlight Beach,” says Carris Rhodes, program assistant for the Cottonwood Creek Environmental Film Festival. “It used to be really smelly and dirty. Then [approximately …

A good writer is not, per se, a good book critic. No more so than a good drunk is automatically a good bartender. — Jim Bishop There are two kinds of women: those who don’t …

“On the banjo, as on a guitar, there are pieces of metal — on ours they’re made of nickel silver — called frets,” says Carolina Bridges, director of public relations for Deering banjos. “They have …

If sisters were free to express how they really feel, parents would hear this: “Give me all the attention and all the toys and send Rebecca to live with Grandma.” — Linda Sunshine David staggered …

“I believe that in the history of the Fallbrook Music Society you would find a group of people who moved here, who enjoyed music and arts, and thought, ‘Boy, it’s a pain to have to …

“In June 2000, the highly invasive Caulerpa taxifolia — the aggressive algae which has destroyed thousands of acres of the Mediterranean Sea — was discovered [in the Agua Hedionda Lagoon], most likely dumped into the …

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. — Woody Allen I led David to the nose of the ferry — it was a gusty day and the sea was choppy, so the ride …

Brunch is nothing more than breakfast with a markup. The mother in your life can get eggs and French toast any time she wants, so why not give her a fun new experience, one tailored …

Families with babies and families without babies are sorry for each other. — Ed Howe The gestation period had only been three months — from the date I conceived my little one to the moment …

“The word ‘zydeco’ comes from the Cajun-French song ‘Les haricots san pa sale,’” says Peter Oliver, musician and co-promoter of the Gator by the Bay Festival. “In French that means ‘the snap beans aren’t salty,’ …

“This neighborhood [Olivenhain] is what we call an ‘urban-wildland interface,’” says Nan Sterman, author of California Gardener’s Guide. “You have to be careful that what you do in your garden does not have a negative …

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons. — Alfred E. Neuman After searching every aisle, I found David squeezing avocados …