“We are glorious accidents of an unpredictable process with no drive to complexity.” — Stephen Jay Gould (paleontologist) I told myself I was being magnanimous when I invited my sister and her two sons to …

Craic (crack) — a term for fun, entertainment, and enjoyable conversation, particularly prominent in Ireland. After suggesting we all meet at around 8 or 8:30 for breakfast, Dad confirmed the rendezvous for 8:15. His decision …

How about “Pig Supreme?” asked one of the lambs. “No good,” said Charlotte. “It sounds like a rich dessert.” — E. B. White When my friend Sara announced the impending arrival of her new pet …

I’m anal retentive. I’m a workaholic. I have insomnia. And I’m a control freak. That’s why I’m not married. Who could stand me? — Madonna Few things get past me at parties. I am a …

Oh, the summer night/ Has a smile of light/ And she sits on a sapphire throne. — Barry Cornwall It had been a lackluster evening. Our waiter was unnaturally perky. The bare-wood acoustics made for …

We learn geology the morning after the earthquake. — Ralph Waldo Emerson I felt the tremor in my feet before I heard the familiar groan in the walls — my home bracing itself for a …

I grew up in a religion that loved everything I would be taught to disdain in graduate school: America, authority, marriage, motherhood, and divine revelation. My father was a history-reading intellectual who treated me like …

Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilty and I’ll show you a man. — Erica Jong The phone rang. I grabbed the receiver, glanced across the counter at David, and said, “Two guesses.” “Don’t …

Towered cities please us then,/ And the busy hum of men. — John Milton The flags marked the transition from one kingdom to the next. I knew the meaning of all the colors and symbols …

Driving a brand-new car feels like driving around in an open billfold with the dollars flapping by your ears as they fly out the window. — Grey Livingston I led the uniformed man around the …

On this shrunken globe, men can no longer live as strangers. — Adlai E. Stevenson People think time is fixed, an immutable truth like the laws of mass and energy. They’re wrong. Seven days of …

Why don’t you slip out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini? — Robert Benchley "M and H. This must be it,” I said, stopping before an unlit gray door on which the …

The essence of pleasure is spontaneity. — Germaine Greer Normally, it would kill me to desecrate a beautiful filet mignon by shredding it with plastic cutlery on a paper plate. But extraordinary circumstances demand extraordinary …

I think that there is nothing, not even crime, more opposed to poetry, to philosophy, ay, to life itself than this incessant business. — Henry David Thoreau ‘Imagine if you made a hundred thousand dollars …

No great artist ever sees things as they really are. If he did, he would cease to be an artist. — Oscar Wilde ‘See how calm that water looks? That’s because it’s a long exposure. …

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. — Albert Camus I stole a glance at the elderly couple seated to my left and wondered what they were in for. Dementia? …

My boyfriend asked me why women think firemen are sexy, so I explained the pole theory: Men love women who slide down poles, and women love men who slide down poles. Subject dropped. — Terri …

Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings. — Evan Esar The sky was clear and the air was an agreeable 68 degrees — ideal conditions for visiting the zoo. When I …

Equipped with his five senses, man explores the universe around him and calls the adventure Science. — Edwin Powell Hubble I picked up a chunk of “astronaut ice cream” with my fingers and popped it …

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. — Mark Twain I positioned the necklace on the table — novelty beads flaunting the number “40” with a glittery …

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. — Dorothy Parker ‘Huh. I never thought about it like that.” The others paused in a conversation they were having about cocktails and …

The world does not always understand that those within a subculture are merely people, and that when people are targeted for being different, humanity suffers a loss of itself. — Gothic Volunteer Alliance In nightclubs …

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are. — Chauncey Mitchell Depew With each glass of wine, Jen sunk a little deeper into …

Beer and rugby are more or less synonymous. — Chris Laidlaw I like to think of myself as pretty hip. It’s not as if I’m walking around with an iPad or anything, but when it …

Politeness is the art of choosing among one’s real thoughts. — Abel Stevens “How can we invite her and not invite him?” I asked David. “You can’t,” David answered. “You need to decide how important …

It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are. — Roy Disney A tight shot on George Clooney’s face opened and drew back, across the bare hotel room in which he …

There is an Irish way of paying compliments as though they were irresistible truths which makes what would otherwise be an impertinence delightful. — Katherine Tynan Hinkson "‘Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,' as Father Neil would …

At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer. — Marshall Lumsden "Dododummyshutup,” said my friend Joe the sommelier. His cheeks reddened, corroborating the statement …

I think in terms of the day’s resolutions, not the year’s. — Henry Moore January is my least favorite month. February is cozy with groundhogs and hearts, March is revelry with Mardi Gras and St. …

There’s a bit of magic in everything, and some loss to even things out. — Lou Reed Heading north on the 163, I yawned and blinked my eyes. It was nice to have the road …

There are always germs, and you’re never going to get rid of all of them. — Cheryl Mendelson I scrutinized the underside of David’s shoe as it dangled in the air. The sole and its …

If you wish to converse with me, define your terms. — Voltaire "We could have watched a movie in the time it’s taken you to pick one,” I said, failing in my attempt to make …

The measure of a man’s real character is what he would do if he knew he never would be found out. — Thomas Babington Macaulay We suspected something was up. “We” being Corinne and the …

The kids chased each other around the coffee table in the living room while I helped carry food from the kitchen to the dining room. This is how it’s supposed to be, I thought. Sure, …

To Be Thankful Requires Humility — John Brizzolara This Year, We’re Staying Local — Pamela Hunt-Cloyd Eat What the Politicians Feed You — Don Bauder This Is How It’s Supposed to Be — Barbarella Thanksgiving: …

Architecture is a social act and the material theater of human activity. — Spiro Kostof If you told me five months ago that one day in the near future I’d be standing before 500 people …

The truth brings with it a great measure of absolution, always. — R.D. Laing After I broke the news to my mother that David and I would be traveling to the East Coast to celebrate …

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent. — Eleanor Roosevelt David swirled the wine in his oversized glass and brought it to his nose. After an exaggerated sniff, he said, “I’m getting a …

I have never smuggled anything in my life. Why, then, do I feel an uneasy sense of guilt on approaching a customs barrier? — John Steinbeck It was 10:30 p.m. on Friday night, and the …

Never be the first to arrive at a party or the last to go home, and never, ever be both. — David Brown I led David through a labyrinth of suspended fabric and into an …

[Halloween is] overrun by grown-ups who claimed it as a holy rite in the church of perpetual adolescence. — Lawrence Downes "I want to go to the party, but I don’t want to have to …

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. — Unknown "Are you sure you don’t mind if I eat in front of you?” I asked, as I moved …

That which seems the height of absurdity in one generation often becomes the height of wisdom in another. — Adlai Stevenson I sidled up to David and waited for him to finish explaining his artistic …

Men do not quit playing because they grow old; they grow old because they quit playing. — Oliver Wendell Holmes ‘Here I was, sitting outside in the car, trying to not be obnoxiously early, and …

Housework, if it is done right, can kill you. — John Skow David emitted a little grunt each time he advanced, making it only a few inches at a time as he faced the wall …

In the nineteenth century, men lost their fear of God and acquired a fear of microbes. — Author Unknown Swine flu is tearing my family apart. Okay, maybe not the flu itself so much as …

The tendency to whining and complaining may be taken as the surest sign of little souls and inferior intellects. — Lord Jeffrey I struggled to maintain a deadpan expression, using what was left of my …

Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway. — Author Unknown "Two cups of coffee and I’m still groggy.” I brought my fingers to my forehead and kneaded the area around my brows, as much to relieve …

Language...has created the word “loneliness” to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word “solitude” to express the glory of being alone. — Paul Johannes Tillich As I stood to one …

When something itches, my dear sir, the natural tendency is to scratch. — Dr. Brubaker in The Seven Year Itch Are you getting itchy?” I asked. “Why, are you?” David countered. “Hey, that’s not an …