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New column: Ask a Therapist
Kicking things off with narcissism and boundaries
Echo and Narcissus by John William Waterhouse
Hello, and welcome to Dear Sam, the Reader's new monthly therapy column. Well, its new column by a therapist. Sam notes that "the content provided here is not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Content is presented in summary form, is general in nature, and is provided for educational and informational purposes only. Do not delay in seeking the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any concerns you may have regarding a medical, psychiatric, or psychological condition." On to the questions!
Dear Sam,
The word "narcissist" gets thrown around a lot these days, especially after breakups. I’ve heard that we all have a little narcissist in us. If that’s true, then how much is ok and when do I know that it’s not healthy for me to be in a relationship with someone because of their narcissistic problems? Are there red flags that I can be aware of? Thanks!
F.L., San Diego
Dear F.L.,
You’re certainly right that the word is used more commonly today than it used to be. It’s used more flexibly too; often, it's treated as synonymous with "self-centered," "proud," or "insensitive." But while those qualities can definitely belong to the properly narcissistic personality, narcissism means more than that.
A diagnosable narcissistic personality disorder is, according to the most recent edition of the DSM— the diagnostic manual used by mental health professionals— “a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy." Even more specifically, these qualities will show up in at least 5 out of the following 9 ways:
• A grandiose sense of self-importance
• A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
• A need for excessive admiration
• A sense of entitlement
• Interpersonally exploitive behavior
• A lack of empathy
• Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her
• A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes
As for the post break-up habit of diagnosing that you mention, it’s worth noting that there are ways your ex might be a jerk that are not diagnosably marked by these qualities, but it’s tricky, because a lot of jerkhood may be narcissistic.
Do we all have a little narcissism lurking under the surface? Probably — and in a couple different senses. First, a person may display one or two of the above traits without offering the whole package. Further, the degree to which the trait is present matters, too. Narcissism happens on a spectrum.
More technically, one influential school of psychological thought points to a developmental stage that all people pass through, which it calls “primary narcissism” — a time in our early life when we are the center of the world, and don’t see others as distinct from ourselves. A narcissistic personality who, for whatever reason, gets stuck in that stage will continue to see others (though not necessarily consciously) as extensions of himself. They exist to give him what he wants, and risk becoming objects of scorn if they fail in that.
In its most severe form, a narcissistic personality can see another person only as a source of feeling good about himself. While she may not always be conscious of it or able to admit it, a true narcissist uses people.
Other potential relationship problems abound. A narcissist may act in ways that are stingy. He may be dishonest. He may be unable to see relationships as mutually enriching instead of competitive. In a fight, he may be more interested in how he is perceived rather than how the other person actually feels. He may have difficulty receiving criticism or admitting fault. He may project his own negative qualities onto you. How deep the red of these flags might be for you depends on you.
Before ending, I think it’s crucially important to note that people are bigger than their diagnoses, and that no diagnosis in itself should be a sign that someone is a poor candidate to be in a relationship. How much insight a person has, how much sincere willingness to change, how much ability to apologize earnestly, how much accountability they can demonstrate over their behavior, and how much work they're willing to put in to change — I think all these matter more than even the most challenging aspects of the individual psyche.
At the same time, I want to underscore the challenge of treating a person with NPD with the resources we have so far. The truth is it’s nearly impossible to treat someone who doesn’t think they have a problem — and this posture is the hallmark of narcissism. NPD is often more of a problem for the people around them than for the narcissist personally. And self-justifying behavior and the accompanying lack of remorse can put people — especially highly sensitive people who have a hard time valuing themselves — at risk of exploitation.
Dear Sam,
I hear a lot about “boundaries” from therapists and people on social media. I want to implement them in my life but I don’t know where to start, and I worry that I’ll be shutting people out of my life.
D.F.
Hi D.F.,
When someone worries about boundaries, I like to encourage them to think of boundaries like road signs. Without stop signs, yellow and white lines on the road, and traffic lights, interactions among vehicles would be chaotic and unmanageable. Boundaries that we set in our own lives — be they physical, verbal, or even internal — can provide order and peace.
Yes, you may end up shutting people out of your life. But not everyone we care about necessarily belongs in our lives. Love doesn't always attach to healthy objects. People we love can also hit us, steal from us, or demean us. Boundaries allow you to love from a distance while keeping yourself safe, and they might help the person on the other side of your boundary to grow. Closeness in a relationship should be determined by how much respect and care we receive. It’s unwise to make ourselves endlessly available to people who mistreat us.
Change can absolutely feel awkward and hard at first, and if you tend to be overly gentle or passive, even appropriate levels of assertiveness can feel like you’re punching someone in the face. There can also be difficulty if someone pushes against the boundary you try to set, or gets upset about it. It's important to evaluate the rightness or wrongness of a boundary not by how upset it makes someone, but by how much you are acting in alignment with your highest values, and how much you’re contributing to becoming the person you actually want to be.
That said, you don't want boundaries to become walls — forces of isolation that keep you from encountering valuable perspectives. You'll still want to hear from people you know to be supportive who can also be honest and direct with you.
Got a question for Sam? Leave it in the comments, or email [email protected].
Here's something you might be interested in.
New column: Ask a Therapist
Kicking things off with narcissism and boundaries
New column: Ask a Therapist
Kicking things off with narcissism and boundaries
Echo and Narcissus by John William Waterhouse
Hello, and welcome to Dear Sam, the Reader's new monthly therapy column. Well, its new column by a therapist. Sam notes that "the content provided here is not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Content is presented in summary form, is general in nature, and is provided for educational and informational purposes only. Do not delay in seeking the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any concerns you may have regarding a medical, psychiatric, or psychological condition." On to the questions!
Dear Sam,
The word "narcissist" gets thrown around a lot these days, especially after breakups. I’ve heard that we all have a little narcissist in us. If that’s true, then how much is ok and when do I know that it’s not healthy for me to be in a relationship with someone because of their narcissistic problems? Are there red flags that I can be aware of? Thanks!
F.L., San Diego
Dear F.L.,
You’re certainly right that the word is used more commonly today than it used to be. It’s used more flexibly too; often, it's treated as synonymous with "self-centered," "proud," or "insensitive." But while those qualities can definitely belong to the properly narcissistic personality, narcissism means more than that.
A diagnosable narcissistic personality disorder is, according to the most recent edition of the DSM— the diagnostic manual used by mental health professionals— “a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy." Even more specifically, these qualities will show up in at least 5 out of the following 9 ways:
• A grandiose sense of self-importance
• A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
• A need for excessive admiration
• A sense of entitlement
• Interpersonally exploitive behavior
• A lack of empathy
• Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her
• A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes
As for the post break-up habit of diagnosing that you mention, it’s worth noting that there are ways your ex might be a jerk that are not diagnosably marked by these qualities, but it’s tricky, because a lot of jerkhood may be narcissistic.
Do we all have a little narcissism lurking under the surface? Probably — and in a couple different senses. First, a person may display one or two of the above traits without offering the whole package. Further, the degree to which the trait is present matters, too. Narcissism happens on a spectrum.
More technically, one influential school of psychological thought points to a developmental stage that all people pass through, which it calls “primary narcissism” — a time in our early life when we are the center of the world, and don’t see others as distinct from ourselves. A narcissistic personality who, for whatever reason, gets stuck in that stage will continue to see others (though not necessarily consciously) as extensions of himself. They exist to give him what he wants, and risk becoming objects of scorn if they fail in that.
In its most severe form, a narcissistic personality can see another person only as a source of feeling good about himself. While she may not always be conscious of it or able to admit it, a true narcissist uses people.
Other potential relationship problems abound. A narcissist may act in ways that are stingy. He may be dishonest. He may be unable to see relationships as mutually enriching instead of competitive. In a fight, he may be more interested in how he is perceived rather than how the other person actually feels. He may have difficulty receiving criticism or admitting fault. He may project his own negative qualities onto you. How deep the red of these flags might be for you depends on you.
Before ending, I think it’s crucially important to note that people are bigger than their diagnoses, and that no diagnosis in itself should be a sign that someone is a poor candidate to be in a relationship. How much insight a person has, how much sincere willingness to change, how much ability to apologize earnestly, how much accountability they can demonstrate over their behavior, and how much work they're willing to put in to change — I think all these matter more than even the most challenging aspects of the individual psyche.
At the same time, I want to underscore the challenge of treating a person with NPD with the resources we have so far. The truth is it’s nearly impossible to treat someone who doesn’t think they have a problem — and this posture is the hallmark of narcissism. NPD is often more of a problem for the people around them than for the narcissist personally. And self-justifying behavior and the accompanying lack of remorse can put people — especially highly sensitive people who have a hard time valuing themselves — at risk of exploitation.
Dear Sam,
I hear a lot about “boundaries” from therapists and people on social media. I want to implement them in my life but I don’t know where to start, and I worry that I’ll be shutting people out of my life.
D.F.
Hi D.F.,
When someone worries about boundaries, I like to encourage them to think of boundaries like road signs. Without stop signs, yellow and white lines on the road, and traffic lights, interactions among vehicles would be chaotic and unmanageable. Boundaries that we set in our own lives — be they physical, verbal, or even internal — can provide order and peace.
Yes, you may end up shutting people out of your life. But not everyone we care about necessarily belongs in our lives. Love doesn't always attach to healthy objects. People we love can also hit us, steal from us, or demean us. Boundaries allow you to love from a distance while keeping yourself safe, and they might help the person on the other side of your boundary to grow. Closeness in a relationship should be determined by how much respect and care we receive. It’s unwise to make ourselves endlessly available to people who mistreat us.
Change can absolutely feel awkward and hard at first, and if you tend to be overly gentle or passive, even appropriate levels of assertiveness can feel like you’re punching someone in the face. There can also be difficulty if someone pushes against the boundary you try to set, or gets upset about it. It's important to evaluate the rightness or wrongness of a boundary not by how upset it makes someone, but by how much you are acting in alignment with your highest values, and how much you’re contributing to becoming the person you actually want to be.
That said, you don't want boundaries to become walls — forces of isolation that keep you from encountering valuable perspectives. You'll still want to hear from people you know to be supportive who can also be honest and direct with you.
Got a question for Sam? Leave it in the comments, or email [email protected].
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