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Ask a Therapist: When relaxing is a genuinely guilty pleasure
Also: a new father wonders if he made the right call
It's hard to relax when you're not relaxed about relaxing.
Note: the content provided here is not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Content is presented in summary form, is general in nature, and is provided for educational and informational purposes only. Do not delay in seeking the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any concerns you may have regarding a medical, psychiatric, or psychological condition." On to the questions!
Hi Sam. Why do I feel guilty when I try to relax?
C.R., Alpine
Hi C., and thanks for your question! Without knowing anything about your background or the context of the question, it’s impossible for me to be certain, but I’ll provide you with some possible answers that hopefully you find helpful.
What you’re describing can be a sign that you have a sense of self-worth based on productivity. This is sometimes called “earned worth”. A person in this position feels she needs to strive to prove her value or her necessity to another person. She fears that if she is not indispensable to another person, she can then be rejected or abandoned — a core human fear. A person who tends to be codependent — that is, relying excessively on another for a sense of safety and security — may find herself here.
On the other hand, if a person has a strong sense of his inherent worth, in other words a sense that he is valuable even before or without doing anything useful or productive, he may find himself better able to take care of himself, to relax without feeling he has to pay for it somehow. This kind of worth, the inherent kind, is what I think most people see in babies and beloved pets: their existence is clearly good and valuable in itself. They are lovable and loved for existing.
Here are some other thoughts that could be relevant.
Even if you live alone, you can have this problem of feeling guilty and uncomfortable when you relax. Maybe you were conditioned by an environment that was based on approval. Maybe you had a parent who modeled incessant busy restlessness as a way of life.
For some individuals, needing rest or relaxation feels like a sign of weakness or a failure, and there is a constant feeling of not having done enough to earn a break.
Work is, of couse, a necessary part of life. But staying busy can be a way of avoiding intimacy — with yourself or with another. When you stop being busy, you may become aware of uncomfortable feelings. When you are depressed or anxious and you stop distracting yourself, you may find yourself face to face with unwanted emotions.
So far I’ve been focussing on untrue, unhelpful reasons that you might feel guilty when you relax or slow down. But it is worth mentioning that there could also be something else going on that’s not based on false, unhelpful self-perception.
Maybe you really are not sufficiently productive in your life, and down-time feels bad because you have an excess of it. Maybe you’re not coping well with life and you feel guilty when you relax because you have a hard time activating yourself and taking care of business — something that can provide a sense of agency, power, and achievement.
Maybe you have something that is gnawing at your conscience, and you stay busy to avoid reckoning with it. If this is the case, then your guilty feeling can serve as an invitation to look at why you have that feeling, and if there is anything that needs to be done to address it.
Those are some thoughts. Hope they’re helpful!
Does humanity really need to endure as a species?
Dear Sam,
My wife and I just had our first child, and I feel surprised at how hard it has been. I expected to feel excited and happy, so I’m ashamed to admit that most of the time, I feel exhausted and irritable. I even find myself wondering if it was the right decision to have a child. Is this normal?
D.F., Bay Park
Sorry to hear about your difficulties with early fatherhood, D.F. Is it normal? If by "normal" you mean "common," then absolutely yes. But if you mean "normal" as in “the way it is supposed to be," then no. This is not the way you have to feel as a new dad, and I encourage you to get the support that you need.
Postpartum mood issues in men often present as anger, withdrawing from relationships, irritability, low motivation, working a lot more (or a lot less), an increase in substance use, and poor concentration. At its worst — and far less commonly — mood issues can lead to suicidality or violent behavior. Recent research has shown that 1 out of 10 fathers struggle with postpartum depression and anxiety, so yes, paternal post-partum depression is a real phenomenon. In 2020 the American Academy of Pediatrics suggested pediatricians assess the mental health of both parents of young children, regardless of the parent’s sex.
In the past, the world of mental health has understandably focused more on mothers’ well-being and on their hormones. I say "understandably" because they are the main character in the gestation and birth of a new life, and their bodies undergo a lot of change, hormonally and otherwise. Men do go through some hormonal changes too, and while hormones aren’t solely responsible for the mood changes we see in men, we do know that during and after a woman’s pregnancy, fathers tend to have a decline in both testosterone and estradiol. However, the story doesn’t end here.
Risk factors for a man's mood problems include sleep deprivation, a lack of attention from his wife (the person many husbands tend to describe as their best friend). Dates, sex, and quality time together are all likely to decrease significantly.
Becoming a parent also requires the development of significant distress tolerance and coping skills; a person coming into this experience with a smaller window of tolerance for distress can find parenting excruciatingly demanding. This is especially the case for people with executive functioning challenges (ADHD), trauma, or anxiety. All of these make coping with life more challenging, especially when that life starts to center around a completely helpless being who frequently cries, interrupts schedules, brings a lot of gear and potential mess into the house, increases financial demands, and likely allows for less leisure and recreation.
The life of parenting certainly has its shadow side, but I want to assure you that with the right support and practice, you can make it through all of the demands and challenges and find, as most parents do, the rewards and joy of family life that make it deeply fulfilling.
Here's something you might be interested in.
Ask a Therapist: When relaxing is a genuinely guilty pleasure
Also: a new father wonders if he made the right call
Ask a Therapist: When relaxing is a genuinely guilty pleasure
Also: a new father wonders if he made the right call
It's hard to relax when you're not relaxed about relaxing.
Note: the content provided here is not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Content is presented in summary form, is general in nature, and is provided for educational and informational purposes only. Do not delay in seeking the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any concerns you may have regarding a medical, psychiatric, or psychological condition." On to the questions!
Hi Sam. Why do I feel guilty when I try to relax?
C.R., Alpine
Hi C., and thanks for your question! Without knowing anything about your background or the context of the question, it’s impossible for me to be certain, but I’ll provide you with some possible answers that hopefully you find helpful.
What you’re describing can be a sign that you have a sense of self-worth based on productivity. This is sometimes called “earned worth”. A person in this position feels she needs to strive to prove her value or her necessity to another person. She fears that if she is not indispensable to another person, she can then be rejected or abandoned — a core human fear. A person who tends to be codependent — that is, relying excessively on another for a sense of safety and security — may find herself here.
On the other hand, if a person has a strong sense of his inherent worth, in other words a sense that he is valuable even before or without doing anything useful or productive, he may find himself better able to take care of himself, to relax without feeling he has to pay for it somehow. This kind of worth, the inherent kind, is what I think most people see in babies and beloved pets: their existence is clearly good and valuable in itself. They are lovable and loved for existing.
Here are some other thoughts that could be relevant.
Even if you live alone, you can have this problem of feeling guilty and uncomfortable when you relax. Maybe you were conditioned by an environment that was based on approval. Maybe you had a parent who modeled incessant busy restlessness as a way of life.
For some individuals, needing rest or relaxation feels like a sign of weakness or a failure, and there is a constant feeling of not having done enough to earn a break.
Work is, of couse, a necessary part of life. But staying busy can be a way of avoiding intimacy — with yourself or with another. When you stop being busy, you may become aware of uncomfortable feelings. When you are depressed or anxious and you stop distracting yourself, you may find yourself face to face with unwanted emotions.
So far I’ve been focussing on untrue, unhelpful reasons that you might feel guilty when you relax or slow down. But it is worth mentioning that there could also be something else going on that’s not based on false, unhelpful self-perception.
Maybe you really are not sufficiently productive in your life, and down-time feels bad because you have an excess of it. Maybe you’re not coping well with life and you feel guilty when you relax because you have a hard time activating yourself and taking care of business — something that can provide a sense of agency, power, and achievement.
Maybe you have something that is gnawing at your conscience, and you stay busy to avoid reckoning with it. If this is the case, then your guilty feeling can serve as an invitation to look at why you have that feeling, and if there is anything that needs to be done to address it.
Those are some thoughts. Hope they’re helpful!
Does humanity really need to endure as a species?
Dear Sam,
My wife and I just had our first child, and I feel surprised at how hard it has been. I expected to feel excited and happy, so I’m ashamed to admit that most of the time, I feel exhausted and irritable. I even find myself wondering if it was the right decision to have a child. Is this normal?
D.F., Bay Park
Sorry to hear about your difficulties with early fatherhood, D.F. Is it normal? If by "normal" you mean "common," then absolutely yes. But if you mean "normal" as in “the way it is supposed to be," then no. This is not the way you have to feel as a new dad, and I encourage you to get the support that you need.
Postpartum mood issues in men often present as anger, withdrawing from relationships, irritability, low motivation, working a lot more (or a lot less), an increase in substance use, and poor concentration. At its worst — and far less commonly — mood issues can lead to suicidality or violent behavior. Recent research has shown that 1 out of 10 fathers struggle with postpartum depression and anxiety, so yes, paternal post-partum depression is a real phenomenon. In 2020 the American Academy of Pediatrics suggested pediatricians assess the mental health of both parents of young children, regardless of the parent’s sex.
In the past, the world of mental health has understandably focused more on mothers’ well-being and on their hormones. I say "understandably" because they are the main character in the gestation and birth of a new life, and their bodies undergo a lot of change, hormonally and otherwise. Men do go through some hormonal changes too, and while hormones aren’t solely responsible for the mood changes we see in men, we do know that during and after a woman’s pregnancy, fathers tend to have a decline in both testosterone and estradiol. However, the story doesn’t end here.
Risk factors for a man's mood problems include sleep deprivation, a lack of attention from his wife (the person many husbands tend to describe as their best friend). Dates, sex, and quality time together are all likely to decrease significantly.
Becoming a parent also requires the development of significant distress tolerance and coping skills; a person coming into this experience with a smaller window of tolerance for distress can find parenting excruciatingly demanding. This is especially the case for people with executive functioning challenges (ADHD), trauma, or anxiety. All of these make coping with life more challenging, especially when that life starts to center around a completely helpless being who frequently cries, interrupts schedules, brings a lot of gear and potential mess into the house, increases financial demands, and likely allows for less leisure and recreation.
The life of parenting certainly has its shadow side, but I want to assure you that with the right support and practice, you can make it through all of the demands and challenges and find, as most parents do, the rewards and joy of family life that make it deeply fulfilling.
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