Vice Presidential hopeful Vance, seen here peering through the glass door to see if anybody has heard him knocking. “I do wish he hadn’t placed his palm on the glass like that,” remarked Mrs. Goldwell-Cashgrab after the event. “It left the most awful smudges. But then, I suppose he never had anyone to teach him these things. The poor dear.”

Yesterday, Republican Vice Presidential candidate JD Vance spoke at a $50,000-a-plate fundraiser luncheon in Rancho Santa Fe, hosted by Mr. and Mrs. Randall Goldwell-Cashgrab at their 40,000-square-foot villa. But while many in the ultra-wealthy community were happy to open their wallets, they were apparently less happy to open their homes. SD on the QT has learned that Vance was not permitted to enter through the house’s 20-foot front doors, but was instead obliged to approach from the servant’s driveway that winds up from the back of the estate. When Mrs. Goldwell-Cashgrab was questioned about the decision, she replied without hesitation, “Mr. Vance may one day be the second most powerful public servant in the land, but a public servant is still a servant. And there’s just something unpleasant about a childhood spent in Midwestern poverty that you can never quite wash off, you know? We’re happy to meet with him, and even to give him financial assistance. But we wouldn’t want anyone getting the wrong idea. As it is, it reminds me of the charming stories my grandmother used to tell me about feeding hobos who came begging at her back door during the Depression. We do our part.”