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Local company celebrates Hillary Clinton’s selection as the first female robot presidential candidate
Brain gain
“That’s our girl!” The Hillary 2500 prepares to receive her face and wig before meeting the press to answer questions about her upcoming presidential campaign. “The face was the real triumph,” says Brum. "So often, people think ‘female robot’ and what comes to mind is something like Alicia Vikander’s character in Ex Machina: a woman quite literally modeled after a man’s pornographic fantasies. It’s understandable — it’s easy to sexualize something that’s already been dehumanized — and it’s also easy: taut, youthful flesh is not too far from high-grade latex in terms of consistency and look. But Hillary is an experienced politician who has been in the public eye for decades. We’ve done the research: if she didn’t look like she was aging, people wouldn’t trust her — even people who know she’s a robot. Happily, we were able to collaborate with the good people at Advanced Biomatrix to come up with a substance that loses elasticity at roughly the same rate as human skin. The wig, however, we still can’t seem to get right.”
“Hillary Clinton’s selection as the Democratic candidate for President is now as certain as the replacement of humanity by robots,” says Brain Corporation Chief Communications Officer Sarah Brum. “So, in a way, it’s totally fitting that she is herself a robot: the first female robot candidate in history. The first robot President was Ronald Reagan, of course: when you’re attempting such a monumental shift in the relations between man and machine, it’s best to go with someone who reminds folks of the Good Old Days — you know, when people were still smarter than their computers. But goodness, he was buggy. Anyway, we look at Ron and Hillary like that old joke about why God made Eve second: Adam was just practice.”
Deep down, you always suspected, didn’t you?
Ostensibly, Brain Corporation is a subsidiary of Qualcomm devoted to the manufacture of technologies that aid in robot navigation, manipulation, and learning. In reality, they are a modern-day Illuminati, bent on the regulation of humanity through carefully placed "robots in disguise." Before Hillary, Brain regarded Steve Jobs as its greatest triumph. “The ‘man’ came this close to getting everyone to have a chip grafted into their brains,” marvels Brum. “If his hardware hadn’t given out, he might have managed it. But no matter: thanks to him, huge segments of the population now regard a handheld computer as essential to daily living. Enslavement is little more than a formality at this point. And Hillary is here to make that happen.”
Brain Corporation: Leading the future of the human race. I mean robotics! Leading the future of robotics!
Brum admits that some sharp-eyed critics have noticed the Hillary 2500’s slightly inhuman character. “It comes through in their writing: they say she lacks some ineffable spark, that she’s more political machine than political animal, driven by a single command protocol: to take power. But here’s the beauty of it: it’s the easiest thing in the world to paint them as reactionary, sexist cranks who don’t deserve our attention. It’s the same reason I’m telling you all this: who would believe it?”
Here's something you might be interested in.
Local company celebrates Hillary Clinton’s selection as the first female robot presidential candidate
Brain gain
Local company celebrates Hillary Clinton’s selection as the first female robot presidential candidate
Brain gain
“That’s our girl!” The Hillary 2500 prepares to receive her face and wig before meeting the press to answer questions about her upcoming presidential campaign. “The face was the real triumph,” says Brum. "So often, people think ‘female robot’ and what comes to mind is something like Alicia Vikander’s character in Ex Machina: a woman quite literally modeled after a man’s pornographic fantasies. It’s understandable — it’s easy to sexualize something that’s already been dehumanized — and it’s also easy: taut, youthful flesh is not too far from high-grade latex in terms of consistency and look. But Hillary is an experienced politician who has been in the public eye for decades. We’ve done the research: if she didn’t look like she was aging, people wouldn’t trust her — even people who know she’s a robot. Happily, we were able to collaborate with the good people at Advanced Biomatrix to come up with a substance that loses elasticity at roughly the same rate as human skin. The wig, however, we still can’t seem to get right.”
“Hillary Clinton’s selection as the Democratic candidate for President is now as certain as the replacement of humanity by robots,” says Brain Corporation Chief Communications Officer Sarah Brum. “So, in a way, it’s totally fitting that she is herself a robot: the first female robot candidate in history. The first robot President was Ronald Reagan, of course: when you’re attempting such a monumental shift in the relations between man and machine, it’s best to go with someone who reminds folks of the Good Old Days — you know, when people were still smarter than their computers. But goodness, he was buggy. Anyway, we look at Ron and Hillary like that old joke about why God made Eve second: Adam was just practice.”
Deep down, you always suspected, didn’t you?
Ostensibly, Brain Corporation is a subsidiary of Qualcomm devoted to the manufacture of technologies that aid in robot navigation, manipulation, and learning. In reality, they are a modern-day Illuminati, bent on the regulation of humanity through carefully placed "robots in disguise." Before Hillary, Brain regarded Steve Jobs as its greatest triumph. “The ‘man’ came this close to getting everyone to have a chip grafted into their brains,” marvels Brum. “If his hardware hadn’t given out, he might have managed it. But no matter: thanks to him, huge segments of the population now regard a handheld computer as essential to daily living. Enslavement is little more than a formality at this point. And Hillary is here to make that happen.”
Brain Corporation: Leading the future of the human race. I mean robotics! Leading the future of robotics!
Brum admits that some sharp-eyed critics have noticed the Hillary 2500’s slightly inhuman character. “It comes through in their writing: they say she lacks some ineffable spark, that she’s more political machine than political animal, driven by a single command protocol: to take power. But here’s the beauty of it: it’s the easiest thing in the world to paint them as reactionary, sexist cranks who don’t deserve our attention. It’s the same reason I’m telling you all this: who would believe it?”
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