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What we need is a musical cold war

Trade guns for violins and let the battle be joined

Get down! It's Berlioz's Requiem.
Get down! It's Berlioz's Requiem.
Video:

La Cabalgata de las Valkirias - Gustavo Dudamel

What if, instead of a military industrial complex, we had an arts industrial complex?

What if we had about a dozen for-profit, hard-core, unethical, manipulative corporations that ran music programs? I mean the dirty, money-hungry, grasping, infinite-growth type corporations.

Think about it — a battery of soulless lobbyists badgering congress to increase music funding contracts so that their corporate overlords can ram music down our throats. The media could start fear mongering us with the threat of illegal — so sorry — undocumented musical immigrants playing concerts in underground venues.

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These corporations could game the system. The piano is out of tune? Get rid of it and bill the government for a new one. Your violin broke a string? Throw it away and order a new one. You don't need a new music hall? Whatever, we're building one anyway.

If we switch the opportunity from military to music then corporate pirates would take it and run. We need a musical cold war. We need a musical space race where the best minds on the planet are engaged in making the greatest music possible.

Who could be competed against, though? We don’t have a musical bad guy to focus on.

Oh yes, we do. Venezuela is the evil empire of classical music. Not really, but our media could quite easily make that case and then drive us bonkers with why we’re losing to Venezuela.

CNN/MSNBC/Fox News studio: Today Caracas has sent a clear message of aggression by opening a concert hall in Tijuana. Not since the Cuban Missile Crisis has the country been this on edge. The facility will train musicians which will invade our borders and undermine the music unions. These scab musicians have the tools to destroy the very fabric of our way of life. What’s the response? We look to Washington.

Washington Correspondent: Here in Washington, congressional leaders have been in secret meetings overnight determining the most effective course of action. National composers are being scrambled and operation Ring Around the Ring Cycle has been implemented. Using the leitmotifs from Wagner’s Der Ring der Nibelungen, composers of the United States are creating a sonic wall of such elaborate complexity that no non-U.S musician will have the skill or determination to perform it.

Studio: My God. It’s happening.

Washington: Yes. The mood here is somber. Our thoughts and prayers go out to all those brave souls currently in practice rooms preparing for the concerts of their life.

Studio: Goodnight and God bless us all.

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Big swordfish, big marlin, and big money

Trout opener at Santee Lakes
Get down! It's Berlioz's Requiem.
Get down! It's Berlioz's Requiem.
Video:

La Cabalgata de las Valkirias - Gustavo Dudamel

What if, instead of a military industrial complex, we had an arts industrial complex?

What if we had about a dozen for-profit, hard-core, unethical, manipulative corporations that ran music programs? I mean the dirty, money-hungry, grasping, infinite-growth type corporations.

Think about it — a battery of soulless lobbyists badgering congress to increase music funding contracts so that their corporate overlords can ram music down our throats. The media could start fear mongering us with the threat of illegal — so sorry — undocumented musical immigrants playing concerts in underground venues.

Sponsored
Sponsored

These corporations could game the system. The piano is out of tune? Get rid of it and bill the government for a new one. Your violin broke a string? Throw it away and order a new one. You don't need a new music hall? Whatever, we're building one anyway.

If we switch the opportunity from military to music then corporate pirates would take it and run. We need a musical cold war. We need a musical space race where the best minds on the planet are engaged in making the greatest music possible.

Who could be competed against, though? We don’t have a musical bad guy to focus on.

Oh yes, we do. Venezuela is the evil empire of classical music. Not really, but our media could quite easily make that case and then drive us bonkers with why we’re losing to Venezuela.

CNN/MSNBC/Fox News studio: Today Caracas has sent a clear message of aggression by opening a concert hall in Tijuana. Not since the Cuban Missile Crisis has the country been this on edge. The facility will train musicians which will invade our borders and undermine the music unions. These scab musicians have the tools to destroy the very fabric of our way of life. What’s the response? We look to Washington.

Washington Correspondent: Here in Washington, congressional leaders have been in secret meetings overnight determining the most effective course of action. National composers are being scrambled and operation Ring Around the Ring Cycle has been implemented. Using the leitmotifs from Wagner’s Der Ring der Nibelungen, composers of the United States are creating a sonic wall of such elaborate complexity that no non-U.S musician will have the skill or determination to perform it.

Studio: My God. It’s happening.

Washington: Yes. The mood here is somber. Our thoughts and prayers go out to all those brave souls currently in practice rooms preparing for the concerts of their life.

Studio: Goodnight and God bless us all.

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