Here we are again, kiddies. You’ve screwed away another 12 months making lists of things that never got done, watching twisted talk shows, and reading “Straight from the Hip” hoping Rikki Lake and I can improve your sorry life. Well, next to Rikki’s guests, I suppose, anybody’s life looks good. And I do try to invigorate our community’s collective cerebrum. So here’s a little quiz on the topics we covered in ’94. See how much smarter you are now than you were in ’93?
(a) Beavis and Butt-head (c) Matlock: The Lost Episodes
(b) Regis and Kathi Lee (d) Masterpiece Theater
A. Pancho Villa’s head was stolen from his grave in 1926. According to popular rumors, it is now: in a jar of formaldehyde in France, in a fraternity house at Yale, or...
(a) for sale in a smart boutique in the Zona Rio.
(b) reattached to the body of Newt Gingrich.
(c) in a small crystal box in Michael Jackson’s bathroom.
B. What part of Al Capone’s anatomy is incorrecdy believed to be on display in the Smithsonian?
(a) His penis
(b) His trigger finger .
(c) A large mole in the shape of Elliot Ness’s cat
(a) Extremely nervous.
(b) Unusually limber. ;
(c) Currently employed by Michael Huffington, going door-to-door in California asking people if they voted illegally and what they think this world is coming to when $29 million isn’t enough to buy a U.S. Senate seat.
(a) A two-week supply of turnips
(b) A Thighmaster
(c) Richard Simmons
A. Based on M.A.’s research, you would be breaking no existing laws if you sold balloons full of marijuana smoke. Therefore, you should:
(a) probably ignore all legal advice from Matthew Alice.
(b) definitely ignore all legal advice from Matthew Alice.
B. Most San Diego judges never use their gavels like judges on TV. Instead, they use them:
(a) to impress their friends.
(b) to bean unruly defendants.
(c) to make minor structural repairs to the county courthouse.
(a) The producer
(b) The network
(c) The Society for the Advancement of Irritating, Smug Fatheads
(a) the house gecko, a small green lizard that hides under your refrigerator and lives on bugs.
(b) Black Flag Rat and Roach Killer, with improved, fast-acting plutonium.
(a) M.A. is a very busy professional who deals fairly with all correspondents but has simply not had time to get to my fascinating inquiry, though I know it will be attended to at M.A.’s earliest convenience.
(b) M.A. makes up all those questions, just as I’ve always suspected.
(c) I’m an idiot; my question was the office joke for weeks.
(d) I forgot to include a $50 bill.
(e) M.A. is an irritating, smug fathead.
Okay, gang, get out those #2 Ticonderogas and go to work. Of course, you’ll stop halfway through to turn on Oprah and never actually finish it, but that’s all right. There’s always ’95. Plenty of time to make those major personal improvements.
Got a question you need answered? Get it straight from the hip. Write to Matthew Alice,
c/n thp Kpatlpr. P n Rf»v Scmni^m rA QT 1 ntan
Here we are again, kiddies. You’ve screwed away another 12 months making lists of things that never got done, watching twisted talk shows, and reading “Straight from the Hip” hoping Rikki Lake and I can improve your sorry life. Well, next to Rikki’s guests, I suppose, anybody’s life looks good. And I do try to invigorate our community’s collective cerebrum. So here’s a little quiz on the topics we covered in ’94. See how much smarter you are now than you were in ’93?
(a) Beavis and Butt-head (c) Matlock: The Lost Episodes
(b) Regis and Kathi Lee (d) Masterpiece Theater
A. Pancho Villa’s head was stolen from his grave in 1926. According to popular rumors, it is now: in a jar of formaldehyde in France, in a fraternity house at Yale, or...
(a) for sale in a smart boutique in the Zona Rio.
(b) reattached to the body of Newt Gingrich.
(c) in a small crystal box in Michael Jackson’s bathroom.
B. What part of Al Capone’s anatomy is incorrecdy believed to be on display in the Smithsonian?
(a) His penis
(b) His trigger finger .
(c) A large mole in the shape of Elliot Ness’s cat
(a) Extremely nervous.
(b) Unusually limber. ;
(c) Currently employed by Michael Huffington, going door-to-door in California asking people if they voted illegally and what they think this world is coming to when $29 million isn’t enough to buy a U.S. Senate seat.
(a) A two-week supply of turnips
(b) A Thighmaster
(c) Richard Simmons
A. Based on M.A.’s research, you would be breaking no existing laws if you sold balloons full of marijuana smoke. Therefore, you should:
(a) probably ignore all legal advice from Matthew Alice.
(b) definitely ignore all legal advice from Matthew Alice.
B. Most San Diego judges never use their gavels like judges on TV. Instead, they use them:
(a) to impress their friends.
(b) to bean unruly defendants.
(c) to make minor structural repairs to the county courthouse.
(a) The producer
(b) The network
(c) The Society for the Advancement of Irritating, Smug Fatheads
(a) the house gecko, a small green lizard that hides under your refrigerator and lives on bugs.
(b) Black Flag Rat and Roach Killer, with improved, fast-acting plutonium.
(a) M.A. is a very busy professional who deals fairly with all correspondents but has simply not had time to get to my fascinating inquiry, though I know it will be attended to at M.A.’s earliest convenience.
(b) M.A. makes up all those questions, just as I’ve always suspected.
(c) I’m an idiot; my question was the office joke for weeks.
(d) I forgot to include a $50 bill.
(e) M.A. is an irritating, smug fathead.
Okay, gang, get out those #2 Ticonderogas and go to work. Of course, you’ll stop halfway through to turn on Oprah and never actually finish it, but that’s all right. There’s always ’95. Plenty of time to make those major personal improvements.
Got a question you need answered? Get it straight from the hip. Write to Matthew Alice,
c/n thp Kpatlpr. P n Rf»v Scmni^m rA QT 1 ntan
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