Photo by Craig Carlson

Richard Jordan's obituary. “I stole Dean Martin from Roger this year. Dean partied more than anybody — the guy is 75,76 years old now."

“Had Pat Nixon, God rest her soul, died six months earlier, I would have lost $50,” says Joe “Shmoe,” an alias he insisted upon so as not to jeopardize his livelihood as an accountant at a local hospital. “It was common knowledge that Pat Nixon was in failing health. She died this year at the age of 81; but she became ineligible — the age limit rule came into effect. That rule states that you cannot pick a player 80 years of age or older. You won’t see George Burns or Ronald Reagan on the list.”

A shrieking 737 shatters the June-become-August evening. Glasses clink, O.B.-tians chatter, on the outside deck of the Sunshine Company, Shmoe’s home away from home. Shmoe loves O.B., having moved there from the Detroit area seven years ago.

“My friend Roger and I have been buddies since first grade, went through Catholic school together, got high together, got in trouble with the cops together. We grew up in an environment where gambling on anything was the norm. We’d bet on the outcome of political races, which elevator would show up first, what color car would be the first to turn the corner. It was a way to pass the time in suburbia.

“I first started gambling when I was nine — gin rummy, roulette, craps. Back in those days, it was just candy money, baseball card money — no one got hurt, no one had to steal.” Shmoe takes a pull on his Karl Strauss Lager, lights another Camel.

“Here’s how ‘Celebrity Deaths’ works,” he says. “Every year Roger and I get together — usually over the phone, sometimes in person. The guy who won the most money the year before gets to go first — that’s been proven, in the past, to be advantageous. You take turns picking 25 players who are worth 50 bucks apiece, then you pick five bonus players worth a hundred bucks apiece. You can pick anyone. You can steal picks from the other guy.

“Now keep in mind, there are certain categories of death which pay double: murders, suicides, drug overdoses all pay double. Needless to say, it’s good strategy to pick players who may be prone to such early, unnatural demises. For instance, rock stars: Keith Richards has been a player for years.” Shmoe lights another cigarette. “The last few weeks of December, that’s crunch time, when you’re trying to gather your facts, when you do your research and make your picks.

“When ‘Celebrity Deaths’ started, you could pick anyone: friends, relatives, there was no age limit; they could be on their deathbeds. While some friends felt it an honor to be on the list, others became offended that you would bet money on them to die. So we outlawed betting on friends. We also outlawed betting on relatives, because we felt insider information was unfairly advantageous. When I was working as an orderly at a Michigan hospital, I picked the parish priest. He went in for a craniotomy, and Roger — in his drunken imagination — worried that I would actually go in and disconnect tubes and increase IV flow rate and stuff. Which led to a rule that states that you cannot aid or abet in the death of one of your picks. I suppose you could psychologically try to terrorize somebody into dying — like sending ‘get well’ cards to people who weren’t sick. To my knowledge, no one has ever done that.

“This year, for the first time, we outlawed picking the president of the United States. We felt it was un-American to profiteer from the death of the commander-in-chief. So, Clinton you won’t see on the list, whereas in the past. Bush and Reagan always were players. Also, in order to be picked as a player you cannot be defined as ‘terminally ill.’ Case in point, last year, the death of Bert Parks. I read that Bert had died of cancer — that raised my eyebrows and I immediately said that he’s ineligible, he had cancer. But, according to Rule 15C, it is up to the objecting party to prove that the illness was public knowledge. So here I am going into the downtown San Diego public library asking for all the dirt on Bert Parks. I pored over everything about Bert Parks. But no information whatsoever. I could not prove Bert had cancer. I lost $50.

“‘Celebrity Deaths’ is not a big money game. No one has ever made more than a hundred bucks — the money is not important. Look, I can spend 50 bucks in a bar, I can lose 150 bucks in a card game; neither one would give me the thrill of picking up the paper in the morning and finding out that Abe Vigoda had suffered a heart attack and died last night. That would give me boasting rights. I can pick up my phone and tell Roger that Abe Vigoda is dead. He knows what it means: he sends the check; I win. That is special. If you had 50 people die in a year, it’d be nothing. It happens once, maybe twice, a year — it’s exciting as hell.

“I always carry a copy of the list. If you’re working and listening to the radio and they tell you someone died, you don’t want to wait until you get home to find out whether you’re going to collect. You need to know right away.” He removes a 3x5 card from his wallet, studies it.

“This year,” says Shmoe, “Roger picked Andre the Giant — a brilliant pick. Andre was seven-foot-something and died on the way home from his father’s funeral. You don’t see many old people who are seven and a half feet tall — they’re good picks. Maybe that’s why basketball players die young — something we’re looking into.

“Yasser Arafat: third-round choice on Roger’s list, this year and last, a very interesting story. A player, more than anyone, who’s given us his share of excitement. Last year, Yasser Arafat went down in a plane crash. There were like five people on the plane, two or three died. Yasser got up, dusted off his shorts, walked away from the plane, next day he’s in a hotel in Syria somewhere. As if a plane crash wasn’t enough to rattle me, he had brain surgery last year.

“When Yasser’s plane went down, it was all over the news — I’m horrified. I’m thinking the whole time, ‘Christ! The Israelis shot this plane down — Yasser’s been murdered — double payoff. I’m gonna pay a hundred bucks because the Israelis finally got to off Yasser.’ I wake up the next day, I look at the paper, ‘Yasser Arafat Found Alive in the Desert.’ It was one of the most glorious headlines I ever read in my life.

“There’s some people like Sadaam; he’s been a player year after year. You would be amazed at how many of your taxpayers’ dollars have gone to try and make Roger win 50 bucks.

“Johnny Cash is always on the list: surgery, heart troubles, hard drinker, country person. Country people will die.

“Here’s Roger’s bonus picks: Kurt Vonnegut — always a player, mostly because he’s a writer, he smokes two packs of cigarettes a day. Writers die. Allen Funt — the biggest scare of the year. Allen Funt suffered a stroke in April. This was on the news and in the papers. Roger thought he had won. He even called me up, told me to get the check ready, you know, the pre-death bad-mouthing. As soon as you hear about it, you get on the phone and start talking about it. Thank God, he recovered.

“This year Roger got first pick and he took George Wallace. Why? Think about it, George Wallace has been in a wheelchair since ’72. Last year he was hospitalized for a blood condition, and I had him on my list. Here I am reading about, ‘It’s touch and go,’ and ‘He might not make it,’ and surely enough, he recovers...and makes it on the top of the other guy’s list this year. That’s what hits you in the gut with Celebrity Deaths — losing picks.

“I stole Dean Martin from Roger this year. Dean partied more than anybody — the guy is 75,76 years old now. He has absolutely, positively disappeared from the spotlight — you look for people like that.

That’s why you see Flip Wilson on the list. I think the last time Flip Wilson was in front of a camera, [he] was doing a commercial for Crest toothpaste.

“My second pick is Salman Rushdie — they doubled the bounty on him and he still ain’t dead. Fidel Castro is next. Castro’s gonna go by natural causes, but you never know. I ask you, is there a crazy Cuban out there that’s going to win me a hundred bucks? Richard Nixon is my next pick. A lot of times you’ll find spouses will go together. But Dick’s not the kind of guy who would die just because his wife died — auto workers do that kind of thing. Muhammad Ali’s next on the list. He’s got hit up the head way too many times. Oral Roberts — shit, he wants to die, just so long as he goes to heaven. Ann Landers? I just picked her ’cause I don’t like her. You always pick someone you don’t like; that way, if they die, you’re happy, not only ’cause you won money, but also because somebody you don’t like is dead.

“Some people will be offended by the fact that you play Celebrity Deaths. They’ll think you’re sick, they’ll think it’s morbid — they’ll be appalled. But, one minute they’ll say, ‘That’s disgusting.’ The next minute they’ll say, ‘Did you pick Lucille Ball?’

“You know, I’m not like a morbid guy. I don’t spend a lot of time worrying about this. It’s not like this is some obsession. All I do is read the paper — which I would do anyways. I keep a keen eye open for people I think are going to die.”