After seven years in a coma, a bullet-riddled detective rises from the dead, looking a lot like Jesus Christ but thinking only of bloody vengeance. Steven Seagal handles a gun quite nicely, and his technique in hand-to-hand combat is fast and exciting. But his aura of coolness is about the silliest thing since Billy Jack. Imagine this man (as we must) squatting down in front of a toilet and block-printing on the underside of the lid, just on the chance that one of his victims will need to take a pee, the message: "Anticipation of death is worse than death itself." And what did he use for a writing implement? A Chap Stick? Roll-on deodorant? Metallic eye shadow? With Kelly LeBrock; directed by Bruce Malmuth. (1990) — Duncan Shepherd
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